How do you stop associating value and self-worth to romantic validation from women?

LCBrianC · 2023-01-09T02:56:22+00:00

A couple thoughts:

How do you know no woman has ever found you attractive? I hope you're not basing that just on your experience with dating apps, people's expectations on there can be a bit skewered. I'm sure if dating apps were a thing back in my day I would have crashed and burned.
I understand it can be hard to stay optimistic or confident about an experience you haven't yet managed to obtain yet, but I would say the two keys are keeping your expectations realistic and manageable as well as trying to stay focused on what you can control, part of which is the present. None of us really know where we'll actually be in 5-10 years, but we have a much better idea of where we'll be this weekend. A lot of bad things are real possibilities for a lot of people, but their likelihood is another matter.
I think every human being is objectively worse in certain domains of their lives than other people's, but whether or not they interpret that as being "inferior" is a matter of cognitive patterns, so really, that's where you need to get control of being happy alone. I say this with a caveat: no one can be completely happy every single second of the day, regardless of whether or not they are alone, so please don't make that your expectation. The idea is just to get better at being happy being alone, little by little, and the (perhaps overly simplistic) solution to that is focusing on your strengths. So I would start there: what are your strengths? And when I say strengths, I don't mean "things you are vastly better at than 99% of the planet", but just things you are good at and/or find joy in.

Apprehensive-Log-684 · 2023-01-09T07:19:58+00:00

Understanding that the world is immensely complex and our personal lives are multi-dimensional can help out a lot here.

There are a few assumptions here that need to be reflected on. You had a set of experiences and drew conclusions from it. I would say most likely you received negative feedback in-person and online, set out researching why this is the case and drew the conclusion that it is unrealistic standards. This conclusion, along with life expectations that some milestones have to be achieved by a certain age has led to hopelessness and envy. I would recommend truly questioning this conclusion, because it is wrong. To confirm, you just need to list out men who aren't meeting those standards but are in good healthy relationships.

The only reasonably correct claim that I can make is that people's life experiences vary significantly (based on parent types, location, education, wealth, emotional health, temperament among others); people learn from these experiences to connect with others. Unless isolated, we meet new people throughout our life. You can confirm this by listing all the new individuals you met in the last 5 years. This means all you need is to have an attitude that allows good human-human connections to form -- good communication skills, respecting boundaries while communicating your own and having good mental health. Beyond this, it's just a question of patience.

To help with this, doing well, even okay in other dimensions of your life can help. However, seeing doing well as a means to an end of romance can lead to disappointment. Seeing it as a means to grow as a independent adult will lead to happiness. The other dimensions are not just money and working out. It's more nuanced than that --

It's about having a core social group -- family relationships (parents, siblings, grandparents primarily) and good friends if possible. A therapist can also be added to this to have someone to talk to.
A study program (based on your budget) or job that is good and meaningful. Meaningful feeling is important in the job and can take some time to get right.
At least one hobby that is healthy, relaxing, and fun to begin. More than anything you should like the activity by itself. You don't need to go to the gym or join martial arts if you don't like it. You can look for beginner adult classes or workshops in your city -- salsa, gardening, woodworking and I'm sure there would be a lot more depending on your budget. The idea is do a meaningful activity out in the real-world that helps with your mental health.

A core social group (that is healthy btw) can immensely help with the loneliness. Doing okay in jobs and hobbies will bring a strong sense of meaning to life regardless of romantic relationships.

WWhiMM · 2023-01-09T04:20:56+00:00

Most people couldn't be happy alone, but you could probably be happy without romance. Value and invest in those non-sexual non-romantic relationships you have, and build more where you can. Close friendships are great and they can be way more stable than romances.
Sex is fun and all, but the thing you hear most people go on about is the emotional intimacy they have with their partner. You don't actually need sex to feel close to someone.

Nightchanger · 2023-01-09T11:17:34+00:00

How's your social life in general?

BrianW1983 · 2023-01-09T05:40:06+00:00

Focus on what you're good at: everyone has a talent.

And get this book:

https://smile.amazon.com/Intimate-Connections-David-D-Burns/dp/0451148452/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1QNP3603SK4TB&keywords=dr.+david+burns+connections&qid=1673242846&sprefix=dr.+david+burns+connections%2Caps%2C82&sr=8-1

Difficult_Ferret2838 · 2023-01-11T07:44:47+00:00

It's hard man. We seem to be wired that way. In general I would say to focus on where you WANT your self worth to come from. Work? Other relationships? Hobbies? Charitable acts? IMO it's important to have a mix. Find your purpose and focus on it.

TheVillageSage · 2023-01-09T11:49:13+00:00

Have you checked to see if you might be codependent? Granted we can only get so much from a post, but I'm seeing hints of a form or two of neurodiversity, maybe like anxiety or OCD. Things like this are a nightmare to battle on your own, let alone adding dating and relationships into the mix.

It's really suggested for the most part to get your mental health in order before you start dating because you don't want to put pressure on others to care for those needs. They need to be willing, like how some guys don't mind my mental 'illness'. You want to have enough info to give a potential partner.

It's like "Hey, I've got some issues, but I wanted you to know that I actively see someone over it, take the appropriate meds, and work through it when I'm able." In your case, you're relying on others to tell you how worthy you are as if your assessment of yourself is not enough. Those are deep core wounds.

Those can be sourced out and addressed in therapy and it can get even easier if you need medication as well, like a form of sedative to calm the anxiety and ruminating. I have OCD, so I get that very well, and I'm very sorry you have to go through that. It's by far my most maddening symptom.

If you can't afford therapy and need to do at-home treatment, then get started on journaling out all these insecurities, thoughts, fears, desires, etc. It can help 'empty' the mind a bit, but it also forces you to line up your thoughts so you can get them to be more understandable on paper.

You don't sound like you're ready to date, but with some hard work in the right direction, you can get there. Most worthy women nowadays are wanting someone who is mentally healthy anyways. You can be a hottie with a personality that's like moldy cheese and get babes, but will it be loving and fulfilling?

AntiVictimhood · 2023-01-09T17:05:11+00:00

How to stop associating worth with validation?

Get really good at something and do it consistently.

Building confidence and skill in one or several domains is a really bullet proof way to develop self worth. Be of use to others or have skills that you admire. What I did was looked to the people I admired, assessed the qualities they had that I looked up to. And over the last decade I've worked to build those traits in myself. I also have a number of skills that I can continue to work on that make me feel proud of myself and also allow me to lift up others which I feel is very valuable. My positive impact on myself and my community is undeniable and that is a huge source of worth. I don't need validation from men to confirm that I'm a good and lovable person.

Partake daily in a couple activities that make you feel good.

For me it is strength training, cooking healthy and delicious meals for myself, keeping my space clean, and reading daily. The fact that I have the discipline to do good things for myself and better my life in tangible and measurable ways makes it really easy to be indifferent to positive feedback from others. I can see the ways I'm doing well, so I don't rely on others to tell me.

Strengthen existing social networks.

TBH we all need validation from others and to know that we're a part of a tribe. As someone who likes to isolate and has a preference for solitude, this has been somewhat tough for me. But keeping contact with friends, or frequenting the same place often has allowed me to develop a solid network of people who I can have positive interactions with.

Frankly, sometimes dating/romantic failures are because you have an anti-social vibe and poor social skills. So to ensure that you're not failing at dating due to that, reach out to friends, strike up low-stakes conversations with people who are acquaintances. And try and fill up your social cup that way if you're not interested in trying to date.

Join a new sport/hobby/activity and frequent it regularly. That way you can connect with others and have social validation through a different avenue.

Pretty much the same benefits as above. I started doing yoga and pilates years ago at a small club. And going there often meant I saw the same people daily, and they all gave me praise and positive comments about my strength and progress. So that little boost was also welcomed and was a way to connect and increase my self worth.

Additionally, doing all of these things will increase your chances of meeting someone who you connect with.

AgeSenior2355 · 2023-02-05T20:25:30+00:00

Well, I feel ya man. I’m 40yo and I was engaged 10 years ago. Since then, I’ve been single and felt like you in many ways. Only difference is that I’ve got more experience, and had those 25 and under years without internet/social media being what it is today. I think that’s a major issue in this. Tbh I feel that 20years ago, people interacted more; well strangers interacted more. Now I’m seeing this horrible side effect of online shit, and dude, my heart goes out to you! The best advice I can give? Work hard to achieve what you want. You’d look at me at 25yo and think my life was soooo much better, and prob assume it’d be better in the future, but it sucks rn, because I focused on romance, love and having fun all the time. Now I’m 40, alone making shitty money. I’ve gotten close to a few women the past few years and I’m too fucked up to pursue them….that’s because tbh, I fuckin hate myself. You can’t have a real relationship if you hate yourself like I do. I suspect this may be part of your problem. If you have it set in your mind “ehh she doesnt want me” then you’ll be right. But then ya might try to switch that feeling into extreme confidence, or many guys become some version of cocky, but that doesn’t work either. Because either way, it’s born out of a lack of self esteem. Focus on yourself. Focus on your goals, whatever they may be…work, education, exercise is huge man, huge. Not only will it make you more appealing to women, but much more importantly, it’ll make you happier with yourself. You’ll have more energy etc. I’m no Dr but it helps your brain, releases stuff etc etc point being, it’s so fuckin important Heh, sorry, much of this is very personal to me, as I’m tryna figure this shit out too, and kinda forgot about your question Probably the biggest thing to help with this is- friends. You’re craving human connection, love really. Ive had varying life circumstances over the past 20yrs, so I can compare different periods of time. It’s quite clear that the level of human interaction I have is the biggest factor with this. Also, you mentioned getting matches on tinder and online dating. THIS is why I feel for younger people. 0 matches? Yeah, me too, along with many other guys, it is normal man, trust me. You’re emotionally aware, and in touch with feelings, and ya prob don’t give off that vibe that women are looking for on tinder etc. ugh, sorry I know I’m rambling, but argggh it’s really frustrating to me, tryna get the point across that I’m not just trying to make ya feel better or anything, but I mean every word I’m saying. I’d be willing to bet that there are women who have found you attractive. I don’t know what you look like, sure. Ofc there are men who almost no women would find attractive at FIRST! But, after being around them, talking etc I’m positive that there are women who have been attracted to you…but they’re probably shy, with lower self confidence too! All any of us can do, is the best with what we’ve been born with. Some of us simply aren’t naturally attractive….but literally anyone can hit the gym and have a good or great body…but again, everything else working out will give you is far more valuable. When you talk to women, don’t try to please them in every way; don’t agree with everything they say; be yourself, share your honest opinions and remember, you are a good guy; if you like her, she’s a good woman, and if the 2 of you don’t vibe like that? Ok, no problem! But whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to start to feel anger towards women, and get bitter, and become a stereotypical “incel”

Title	How do you stop associating value and self-worth to romantic validation from women?
Author	DetermineAssurance
Upvotes	8
Comments	17
Date	January 9, 2023 2:49 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1072hmr/how_do_you_stop_associating_value_and_selfworth/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/how-do-you-stop-associating-value-and-self-worth.1146414 https://theredarchive.com/post/1146414

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