The problem with expressing your emotion isnt the backlash, it's that no one cares

MayuriKurotsuchi2 · 2021-02-07T17:05:50+00:00

When ever I come to this group I am reminded that many of us are in the same boat but cannot see our similarities. It's a bitter sweet kind of feeling.

I have left comments about this exact issue but from my perspective growing up. I'm not a man but everything you said I relate to within my own culture. The roles in my community are reversed. The women are not allowed to show vulnerability(strong black woman trope) else we are attacked or misunderstood.

I remember my abusive mother raging about something(trauma makes it hard recount memories but I'll try my best) and when I broke down crying, she beat me with a broom stick and scolded me for having natural emotions. When I suffered depression I was mocked and told to "Go kill myself." by my mother's husband. When my therapist diagnosed me with depression and anxiety, a relative scoffed and said,

"You mean to tell me you let yourself be that weak that you let them(my abusive narcissist family) turn you crazy? You a black woman. You suppose to be strong." Many from my culture can relate to this blatant dismissal of our feelings and entitlement to our "strength" when it benefits others.

My husband who is white, often talked to me about how he's expected to be the emotional foundation for the whole family. How he, as stated above, has to have control and express his emotions within the comforts of others. When he and I first met he came into the relationship thinking I benefitted from the privilege's other women are thought to have(being free to express emotion, getting emotional and financial support, protection etc). He later realized I do not get any of those things. We had a lot more in common than we thought.

I'm not saying all of this to compare or compete but to shed some light on a different perspective.

I have male friends who have some RP ideology. When they list the problems they face as men, I realized that I have near identical experiences and that leaves me feeling weird. But also empathetic.

With that said, OP I believe you when you say most men do not get emotional support. I see it in my husband's family dynamic. He's expected to put up with everyone else's high maintenance emotional baggage. Meanwhile if he is to draw boundaries and require they be honored he's suddenly being problematic, scary, or what have you. I believe this happens because I personally know what that feel like. I live it everyday and I understand how frustrating it can be. The only safe place for both my husband and I are each other. Otherwise we go out into the world looking for emotional support we're just rewarded with half hearted attempts to treat us like human beings.

TurnPunchKick · 2021-02-07T14:57:06+00:00

You need to find a guy you trust and tell him exactly what you are about to do. You just go and vomit emotions on people. Lots of people aren't going to be ready for that.

Find someone you trust who will listen and talk to them.

sleepy_sunflower · 2021-02-07T15:19:39+00:00

I think you named a couple of really important things that expressing emotions can get you: support and care from the people who love you, and release, or the peace of mind that comes with no longer bottling things up. It can also bring you greater awareness/understanding of your emotions and where they are coming from, which is really important to becoming a healthier person with better patterns and relationships. I'm curious why you don't think these things are important enough - I'd ask what kinds of things do you WANT to get from it, if not emotional support and peace of mind?

I think the point of being able to express your emotions is that we are all human, we all experience intense and complicated emotions, and NOT expressing them can be really damaging to us and our relationships. When people bottle things up they often end up lashing out later, or driving themselves into deeper depressions, or feeling really disconnected from the people around them. None of those things are healthy! You say that if you're depressed, you have to be seen to have it under control--I think that mindset is related to why men are less likely to seek help and treatment for depression and have higher rates of suicide. Admitting that you don't feel in control allows you and the people who love you to realize that you need help.

You're right that as a society we need to do a better job of providing space for men to express their emotions without judgement -- men do often face pressure from people around them to remain in control and stoic, including other men and women. But I also know that there are so many people out there that want to support the men in their lives through their emotional shit.

Inareskai · 2021-02-07T16:49:29+00:00

I think there was a really big conversation about this sort of thing on r/MensLib recently, so you might find it helpful to go read through that and/or chat to people there.

Personally I consider releasing your emotions and getting support is a great thing to 'get out' of expressing your emotions. Certainly it's better than storing it inside or expressing it in ways that could harm yourself or others.

I do agree that generally society doesn't like 'out of control' emotions - for men and women. But I feel like there's likely a lot of nuance there that makes it more complicated. Again, I think Mens Lib might have some discussions that help there.

rainbowbarfff · 2021-02-08T01:01:30+00:00

I...wholeheartedly disagree. As a woman with a lot of male friends, I end up acting as the soundboard for a lot of men when they're going through emotional issues and I'm always very happy to do it. Releasing emotions is a part of dealing with internal issues. You can't bottle everything up inside and expect things to work out for you in the long term. It doesn't work that way.

Not everything in this life is transactional and it's a little concerning that you view having emotional support as something that requires benefit or gain from either you or the person who is there for you. There are few dynamics in life that require 0 judgement, benefit, or gain, and this is arguably the most important one.

As a whole, being thought of as less than or different due to expressing an emotional release by a group of friends or a significant other isn't necessarily an issue of whether or not these friends are male or female. It's a matter of whether or not you're dealing with emotionally mature people. The thing is that women tend to establish relationships based on emotional connection 1st, hobbies, and interests 2nd so we will have a better idea of who we can and cannot count on for these things whereas male friendships are based on activities and common interests 1st, so whether or not their friends are emotionally ready to handle emotions is largely based on whether or not this affects their ability to engage in activities with one another. (This is largely why emotional outbursts at work or sports teams aren't tolerated btw)

It is also a matter of whether or not your behavior is appropriate at the moment. Even though I consider myself a very emotionally mature and intelligent person, I have been thoroughly weirded out by someone who I met recently that suddenly starts to divulge a lot of extremely personal issues too soon. Or, conversely, I have dealt with an ex who accused me of judging him for revealing his issues with depression but his idea of being emotional included screaming in my face as he cried, foaming at the mouth in anger, and punching holes in the wall in my apartment. Yeah sorry, your depression cannot come at the cost of my physical safety.

Philipparty · 2021-02-07T17:34:20+00:00

In my experience, the biggest problem with rejectiong vulnerability is that you eventually reach empathy. Everyone should cry, because crying is extremely good for you mebtal health. Especially when it comes to prossessing traumatic or sad events.

The issue with never being vulnerable is that you lose the ability to cry even alone. Thats a major issue.

Another perk is that you can see who acctually cares for you, and people can see you actually care for them.

xvszero · 2021-02-07T19:27:23+00:00

It depends on who you express it to. I get a much better response than you do from the people around me. But I know it's not easy to build that, and honestly, a lot of it is luck too.

TheStarSwordsman14 · 2021-02-08T05:54:02+00:00

That is why you have to learn how to love yourself. Self soothing is huge.

cunningcaring · 2021-02-07T15:59:18+00:00

A hug is pretty good. What do you want?

DP8414 · 2021-02-07T18:47:44+00:00

To be honest, people on the receiving end of our emotions aren’t obligated to care. They are obligated not to judge us. There’s a difference between belittling a guy because he gets emotional at the movies vs. not going up to him and giving him a hug every time he is sad.

sajohnson · 2021-02-07T16:27:38+00:00

You “get” being a better person and more honest, positive relationships.

roughback · 2021-02-07T16:52:13+00:00

The world is cold, and everyone is out for themselves. There is no shame in going to therapy, and having a professional listen and help you sort your feelings.

MayuriKurotsuchi2 · 2021-02-07T21:37:22+00:00

Actually I agree with you.

Plot twist: I am female but I feel the same.

After a lonely childhood I was very depressed after finishing school.But I wanted to be nice to others because I got hurt.

But now at the end of my university time I came to realize: No one cares about my emotions besides of family and maybe 2 friends.

If people are being rude and pushy I can not complain or talk with them or cry.

Actually I seeked for help and most people didnt care and a woman who is around 40 years old and a friend of mine told me: she cried so many years and she gave me the live advice that no one cares.

Actually I dont want to talk about my emotions anymore neither because rly no one cares.

I dont even want to be nice anymore once a person became evil to me. I even think thats gender neutral that no one cares for emotions or problems.

I dont know whats wrong with all the snowflakes online being so woke and sensitive?

The world doesnt care.

SnooMachines7712 · 2021-02-08T03:03:52+00:00

Human apathy isn't gender specific.

Right now I'm on another thread trying to explain to people if someone in a psychiatric facility is abused or stalked, everybody else will chalk it up to "delusion"

Crime runs rampant, and there are babies born addicted to meth

Why?

Because a huge chunk of the population consists of totally selfish, apathetic pieces of crap.

Please don't blame that problem on being male, or female...people are just shit and all about themselves most of the time.

They are usually looking for a reason not to get involved with anyone else who may be inconvenient for them.

CreamCookies3 · 2021-02-08T08:59:10+00:00

They say "Familiarity breeds contempt" for a reason. A man is supposed to be the rock in a relationship. The woman is the sea. He is supposed to support the woman's irrational, chaotic nature, not the other way around. Men work with logic and rationality, women with emotion. Nothing brings your value lower than being a cry-baby. My advice is if you are at a difficult stage in your life right now go find a therapist or something like that to talk. There are many good online that do CBT, I can even suggest you one. Don't try to get everything off your chest with your woman. It kills the attraction and makes you look weak and out of control, making her insecure also.

hepazepie · 2021-02-07T14:58:13+00:00

Hey, can you tell me where you found stuff debunking male disposability? I am curious because i firmly believe that men are the useable material of human kind and womens life is more valued than even that of children

zero-fool · 2021-02-08T13:04:54+00:00

It’s worse than no one caring – people straight up hate it. They don’t want to deal with you feelings, especially if they are aggressive (don’t even mean anger either, sadness can be aggressive if it is present constantly & comes out in your behavior). People strongly prefer all people to be enjoyable to be around because they are selfish assholes. Women get more of a pass on being emotional because men kiss their asses in a vain attempt to mate with them & other women put up with it because it is a part of their social support system in the hopes she will reciprocate when you are upset.

It’s unethical but if two fraternal twins could be tracked & both developed extreme depression you can be SURE that their parents would be more likely to tell the male off for his feelings while supporting the female in theirs.

Jakesteroz · 2021-02-08T15:49:34+00:00

The biggest problem in a lot of our lives be it for men or women is our upbringing, childhood traumas and parents who neglected, gaslight, traumatize, make us codependent etc.

I'm 29 year old man and just started my journey on healing myself. I've been robbed from my identity and it truly hurts down to the core. Go check anything about addictions, traumas, cptsd, narcissistic parents, codependency etc.

https://youtu.be/l6K5s86xie4 for example.

Read the comments there too. My whole life was a lie.

Title	The problem with expressing your emotion isnt the backlash, it's that no one cares
Author	GarglinMay0
Upvotes	60
Comments	66
Date	February 7, 2021 2:27 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/lenfz9/the_problem_with_expressing_your_emotion_isnt_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/the-problem-with-expressing-your-emotion-isnt-the.1192661 https://theredarchive.com/post/1192661

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