Where Do I Go From Here?

Comfortable_Intern57 · 2020-09-18T14:21:12+00:00

When you comes to dating the best thing to do is not have any expectations of finding a partner when you go out or do things. If you take up a hobby and meet up with a group for said hobby, do it for yourself instead of trying to do it to find someone. Finding a partner is not hunting, it's a fluid and natural thing

You can also try dating apps, just be aware that there seem to be more Narcissists and sociopaths there than average.

For red flags, look for the following:

Love Bombing (if they are showering you with attention and praise, wanting to move too fast sexually or moving in, etc, these are huge red flags and you should be suspicious)
They will test the waters by saying something mean or what seems like a backhanded compliment. You may be forgiving at first, but this shit gets worse, trust me.
They stop replying to your texts or phonecalls for many hours or even days.
They drive around playing very loud music or revving their car really loud. These people are attention seeking Narcissists.
They talk about things that they really want but don't have the money for. Whether they are a man or a woman, both genders do this. Don't purchase or offer to help pay for anything in the first year of a relationship (unless you are on a date and it's food or a movie or whatever). Like they take you to the mall and say, man I really want these shoes but I can't afford it. You look and the shoes are $200. Just don't do it!
They seem to be easily offended and will stonewall you over the stupidest things. (Refusing to text back for days before you said it did something they didn't like)
They don't have any respect for you or care about your feelings.
They don't really show any interest in your life and will seem to not be listening when you talk about your interests. For example I was dating a guy who was a photographer, he went on and on about his work but when I talked about my art, writing and even sent him photographs of wildlife that I took, he used that time to either lecture me on how I took the pictures or just totally zone out and ignored me when I talked about my other Interests.
This ties into the #8 but they don't ask you questions like, when is your birthday and will forget things you told them about yourself. This is because they don't care and are just using you for Narcissistic supply, money, a place to stay, etc.

There are many more red flags, but these are a few that come to mind.

As far as being more attractive, there's always exercise and working on your social skills. You can read about that online or find a counselor to help you in the dating world.

chofferblower · 2020-09-18T14:21:51+00:00

There are multiple place to start. The common denominator is « Socialise ». Non-romantically socialise. Be talkative, open-minded, try meeting different people, to get a feeling of they are, who you like and who you don’t. Don’t afraid of stereotyping, but be ready to update your stereotypes when they fail you, they always do.
I think the key here is to build your character, almost in a pen&paper RPG style. Think about what your ideal self would look like, and build up from here. Once you get a grip on who you like and who you don’t, you can include this information in building your character. There’s a balance you have to strike between being your « truest » self and catering to the people you want to get along with. Creativity goes a long way, subverting stereotypes can get you the best of both world. Practically, be interesting, read interesting books, watch interesting movies, play interesting games, understand them and be ready to use that in conversations. It’s a lifetime process, don’t press yourself. Keep yourself in good physical shape, no one is attracted to a walking corpse. Be particularly mindful of your nails, teeth, skin and grooming. The rest is bonus points and mostly irrelevant. Find clothes that fit you, not too large, not too sneaky, keeping your proportions right. Of course, adapt to your character. I love fashion. If that’s your jam, go for it.
Everywhere. Really, everywhere. The moreat ease you’ll be with people, the most opportunities you’ll get. The key is social intelligence. It’s difficult to describe rationally anyhow else than the ability to figure out the social environment. Some old school PUA material might provide some insights into the matter but ultimately, it’s a complex puzzle with a fair bit of dice rolling and the best tool you have is your gut feeling. Maintained eye contact is usually an unambiguously clear sign of interest for exemple, but it won’t prevent the occasional drama. It’s ultimately you and your risk management policy. Pragmatically, para-scholar and professional environment are a good place to start. Clubs, activist groups, post lectures debates, freshmen parties. All those give you social material to work with. Again, expect a bit of drama sometimes. But don’t underestimate benevolence. People very often show good will toward good willed people.
The same you display yourself when you’re not willing to engage with someone. Not sustaining sight, unwillingness to engage in indirect interaction like class debates or corridor pep-talk, irony and mockery (tho this one is not a clear give-away and can actually be the opposite but usually it is a red-flag), physical distancing beyond what COVID asks for, etc. Social intelligence, again. Gut feeling, empathy. Identify the feelings that are not yours and act accordingly.
By socialising and dating. PUA has it right, you need to practice trial and error style. Don’t take anything personally. You’re a work in progress.
The rainbow.
That you don’t need anyone to be whole. That all of this is a bonus, or an option between plenty. And that is true, it may just demand you some time to realise it. Dating isn’t an end game. Nothing is. Relationships are a process, bringing joy and pain like everything else. An SO is a partner, not a price. They want to live alongside you, to be part of your ride, and to have someone on theirs. That’s the most important takeaway. Pimp their ride, have an interesting/fulfilling one yourself. The meaning you give to this words is on yours to put.
By not intentionally hurting people and increasing your awareness of the hurtful things you unintentionally do. This one is simple. Do your best to not hurt people. This includes yourself, if you need to get out, get the fuck out. Listen to your feelings.
Learn to accept cookie-cutter advices. The best mindset is to not seek for answers. A wide majority of people in relationships didn’t ask anything. There are no definitive answers. There are insights, probabilities, gut feelings and snake oil. Harness the first threes, stay safe from the latter. This is the ultimate advice, rationally speaking.

Bjay_jw · 2020-09-18T14:51:06+00:00

where do i start when it comes to dating, what can i expect when it comes to dating, where can i meet new potiental partners?

First we have to acknowledge that ever is different. You are different. You have different needs, wants, hobbies, standards than the next person does. And that's okay.

Dating is pretty complicated actually. Theres no specific steps you can follow that guarantee you'll have a partner at the end of dating around. However, that is where knowing your interests and diving into your own hobbies and passions comes into play. If you're a dancer take some dancing classes or join a group. I'm sure they're are groups on Facebook for a lot of things you might me interested that may meet up in person sometimes. Join them. There you'll be in the presence of people who already have a similar intrest to you so you guys would have something to share and gain experience with one another.

how can i become more attractive?

Are we talking physically or just as a complete person? Some people like skinnier people, others are into more uscular people. Some people are into chubbier people and that's okay. Obviously you can work out to increase your muscle tone. Cardio to get skinnier, eat more to get chubbier.

Take care of your hygiene. I can NOT stress this enough. GROOM yourself. There is nothing hotter than a well groomed man/woman. If you are not into a partner that grooms, that's okay too. But please take care of your hygiene.

I'm a believer in dressing is one of the best ways to express yourself and clothes say a lot about you. Ex: if you wear scrubs your a doctor, suot in tie you can be a realtor or something. Similarly when youre not working. If you wear t shirts all the time with graphics and animr characters, you may get some people asking you about it. "oh that guy seems fun and intresting! what animes do you watch or something." There we go, a start to a conversation. Like wearing dress shirts and nice pants? Oh that guy dresses really nice. Another thing first impressions are important. If you dress clean, people will assume you are a clean person. And I also believe you attract what you are to certain degree. It is up to you however to decide what you will and will not allow in a relationship(your partner deciding that for herself too as a relationship is a two way street.)

how can i develop healthy relationships? What red flags should i look out for?

Well, what would/wouldn't you want in your relationship? I would say as a general rule. Someone that ignores BOUNDARIES. If they ignore clearly set boundaries even after communication with you, they don't respect you. If they insult or degrade, or hit you (man or woman) they don't respect you or you guys just shouldn't be together at that point if you result to verbal/physical/mental abuse instead of COMMUNICATION(it's everything).

Now we're over the basics. A relationship is a two way street. Let's say you are a cuddler and she/he isn't. You guys have to compromise! Don't just ignore her desire to not cuddle 24/7 and she can't just ignore your desire to cuddle 24/7. You guys have to communicate to find a middle ground. Maybe you don't cuddlr her because she worked today and now she's tired so she's going to bed. Maybe she decides to cuddle you a little more than she does because she didn't cuddle you at all yesterday. You have to find a middle ground.

Do things together! Secure the bond. You like hiking and she may not have gone hiking before? Take her hiking. You guys never went to the ball drop in new York? Go together. Experiences (new ones a little more) bring people closer together. That's with all types of relationships (friends, parents, cousins, siblings, you name it).

how can i practice the skills needed for dating.

This question is way too broad but I'll answer to the best of my ability. You (should) use the skills in every-day life. Maybe with your friends or your mom or your dad. You already have them in you. You maybe just don't know how to apply it to strangers. Just be yourself. Cheesy, yes, I know. But you can't trick someone into liking you (well you can but it wouldn't be a genuine relationship and you probably just cut it's life span). You will slip and your true self with start to show through and she/he might hate it and leave you. Harsh, but a reality.

Just be respectful, read the room, no, her telling you she was sexually assaulted and you telling her it was her fault for wearing leggings is not a good idea.

what mindset should i have when it comes to dating?

Be positive, be open. When you're dating around you are going to encounter a lot of people with different ideas, opinions, hobbies and passions than you. And that's okay. Not only are you dating them, they are dating you. They have as much of a responsibility to get to know you as you do them. Ask them questions, answer them. You hear something you don't like, listen and then respond not negatively. If they respond in a way that was disrespectful then good. Youve weeded someone out.

At the end of the night, if you like someone and want to get to know them more or pursue a relationship get their number, go out with them again. Goodluck.

unlivedbread · 2020-09-18T15:29:47+00:00

not on reddit, go out and live your life, do stuff where you'll meet new people, just don't date in the workplace
eat, sleep and lift. then diet down when you have enough muscle under all of the fat
see 1
girls who fall in love extremely fast, party girls (narcissists), in general the more experience you collect the more you'll be able to know what kind of girls to avoid without even needing to think about it
go and date
expect to go and meet some interesting people, I don't like to expect sex the first date, it always psychs me out to where I'm not trying to have fun I'm just trying to get laid
I'm here to have fun and meet new people, nothing else
by having a happy relationship with yourself

Inareskai · 2020-09-18T15:58:12+00:00

where do i start when it comes to dating?
Erm, wherever you'd like. Meet people, see if you mesh with them. Make more friends, go on dating apps if that's what you'd prefer (I wouldn't, but lots of people do).
how can i become more attractive?
You've never dated, how do you know you need to be 'more attractive'? Give things a go as you are, if you notice the same issues come up over and over again around something you can control - weight, social niceties etc - then look into improving those. If you're running into issues around things you cannot change - height, autism etc - then it's probably best to change your approach rather than yourself. Right now you haven't tried so don't know where you may need to improve or what approach you may need to alter. It's like trying to tweak a recipe before you've tried to cook the thing - you don't know yet what might need changing and what works best for you!
where can i meet new potential partners?
The best place is to meet them in communities you're already interested in, assuming you want a relationship. Places like Tinder etc are fine, but if you really want to meet people first before going into a relationship type thing with the, I recommend social groups around your hobbies. Online dating is fine too especially if you're honest about who you are etc, but chat to people for a bit before making any commitments.
what red flags should i look out for?
Honestly there are loads, but think about traits you don't like in people - if you see signs of those, that's probably a red flag for you. Similarly anyone who suggests how things 'should' be done - you 'should' pay for a date, you 'should' want sex etc - shoulds are always concerning because there is no 'should', different things work for different people and anyone telling you the way you 'should' be rather than interacting with who you really are probably isn't worth your time.
how can i practice the skills needed for dating competently?
Socialise with people of all different genders and backgrounds.
what can i expect when it comes to dating?
This question is very broad, like 'what can I expect when it comes to talking to people' - idk, everyone is different. I could give you a list of expectations and none of them would be met because you interact with different people/act differently to me! I think the only broad thing for dating is that - regardless of your gender - you're going to be rejected sometimes and some people are going to be Not Great People. Accept it, move on, it's almost definitely not about you and much more about what's going on in their heads/lives.
what mindset should i have when it comes to dating?
Sometimes people are shitty. Don't be shitty, don't put up with shitty people. Then go with the flow. Be cautious, but not bitter or jaded.
how can i develop healthy relationships?
Cultivate communication, respect and kindness. Be honest about what you want, don't bother with people who you don't respect or who don't respect you, if they're not a jerk to you (or, even if they are) try to be nice. That doesn't mean being a doormat, it just means if someone says they're not into you, or they stop messaging it, try not to be mad with them - be kind, ok, it didn't work out, I hope they find someone it works out with and I find someone who is a better fit for me. Name calling and anger rarely help anything.

tomowudi · 2020-09-18T17:44:16+00:00

Where do I start with dating?

Great question. Start with focusing on healthy relationships in general.

Relationships are just how you relate to something. You can have a relationship with a woman, a man, a dog, money, ideas, your job, your emotions, and your sense of self. All of these relationships can be described as healthy or unhealthy. Once you understand what makes any relationship healthy or unhealthy, and you have the skills to maintain healthy relationships in your daily life, a healthy intimate partner relationship is pretty much the same except that it can include orgasms and a partner who helps you be the best version of yourself, that relies on you to do the same for them.

Attraction is like ice cream - everyone has their favorite flavor. Some people prefer vanilla, others prefer chocolate.

But nobody chooses to like vanilla more than chocolate. So attraction isn't a choice. It's a form of compatibility.

In particular, what ultimately matters is what YOU find attractive. Once you understand what you find attractive about someone physically... You still have to figure out what you find attractive about them emotionally, or as an aspect of their personality. I find my wife attractive, in part, because of how she is so quick to embrace fun and excitement. This is a function of her personality that I am drawn to.

So don't worry about being attractive. You will be attractive to those that find you attractive, and you don't get to choose what people will find attractive about you.

However, you can count on the fact that liking yourself is a good first step into avoiding making people uncomfortable.

So... Like who you are. Focus on being proud of what is true about you, and laughing at your failings, while not hiding from your responsibility in dealing with the consequences of sucking at certain things at certain times in your life. If you can do that, people will have less reason to be uncomfortable around you, because you will not need their comfort. In fact, they may seem the comfort of your company, because if someone does not need comfort, they are at least attractive as someone who is not emotionally volatile (thus your presence is stabilizing/reassuring).

But you can't pretend at this. It has to be true. If you need comfort, you have to ask for it. This is fundamental to liking yourself. You ask for what you need without shame.

You can and will meet new partners wherever your interests and life take you. Enjoy the moment, be curious about the lives of others, and you will have no end of opportunities.
Dishonesty, Distrust, the language of blame, not giving or receiving the benefit of the doubt, contempt, unspoken boundaries you wish you could set, unspoken boundaries you are choosing to pretend you aren't aware of.
By practicing being in a healthy relationship with yourself, and learning to listen to what others mean by not only what they say, but what they don't say, as well as how they say it.
That people are more focused on how nervous they feel and how badly that they want to impress you, that they will not notice you are doing the same, which is why trying to impress rather than simply focusing on learning who they are is a waste of time. People will try to get you to like them. Find out who they are and don't worry about making them like you. Just focus on finding out if you like them first, that's all that should matter.
Curiosity and an intent to have a good time while making everyone around you as comfortable as possible. You are there to learn if you want to spend time with someone for the rest of your life, and to have a good time. So learn and have fun, and try to help them have fun too.
Understanding what a healthy relationship looks like is the first step.

What a healthy relationship looks like

Healthy Boundaries and Toxic Relationships

Communicating without blame

Dishes and blame...

Why you need to care about your partner's stupid bullshit

Jamonde · 2020-09-18T17:50:13+00:00

Welcome to a clearer state of mind!

I believe a lot of questions have already been addressed, but I want to add this: the questions you are asking are not as simple as they sound. Becoming attractive, for example, is going to be your own unique experience because it depends on what you think is attractive. Or on trying to develop healthy relationships, well, people can tell you, but it takes years of trying to do so, reflecting on what went wrong, and doing some hard introspection and asking what you can do better, in addition to the other person. Providing a satisfactory answer to these questions is a journey that will take many years and experiences, much more than can be provided in a single reddit post. Keep this in mind as you read people's responses and move forward.

You say you want concrete answers; do you have more concrete versions of your questions? Something based on your experiences?

A lot of great discussion happens on this subreddit, and others such as r/malementalhealth and r/menslib and r/relationship_advice. Some subreddits such as r/mensrights and r/leftwingmaleadvocates are too close to other manosphere groups and thus too close to TRP and a lot of the ways of thinking you just escaped, so be careful.

I'm someone who also likes concrete advice, so I tend to enjoy reading advice columnists such as for sex, relationships, and family. Two that I like to follow are these: https://slate.com/human-interest/how-to-do-it https://slate.com/human-interest/dear-prudence

DissonanceBadger · 2020-09-20T15:32:13+00:00

I'll give you one important piece of advice I wish I had gotten many years ago: the best way to meet a romantic partner is through your social circle.

People may say that today it's not true anymore because everybody is online, but online dating is doing a shit job at replacing meeting through real life. In online dating you get very minimal exposure to many people, in real life, just by being in the same social context with other people for a while you get extended exposure to a limited number of people. Guess which level of exposure is more efficient for creating attraction?

It might sound like you have abundance in online dating, but what's the point of large numbers if people hardly pay attention to you, which is often the case. The abundance you get from a thriving social life is more than enough. I'm not saying don't use online dating, just don't make it your primary method.

As for becoming attractive to women, read this (What Women Want Paperback – by Tucker Max, Geoffrey Miller PhD): https://www.amazon.com/dp/0316375330/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_yx3zFbPCQ1SZD

EricTalson · 2020-09-18T14:09:35+00:00

[deleted]

Title	Where Do I Go From Here?
Author	RoseAvara
Upvotes	26
Comments	35
Date	September 18, 2020 1:44 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/iv6c07/where_do_i_go_from_here/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/where-do-i-go-from-here.260470 https://theredarchive.com/post/260470

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