25f, I'm feeling insecure, that I will nEveR bE gOoD eNOuGh because I am not as fit and attractive as I could be. I feel like I am wasting the pEaK oF My yOuTh and BeAutY because I'm not iNsTaWoRthY. Fears of losing value as I age. Help me change this silly attitude and replace these shit beliefs

apple_cores · 2020-08-23T05:07:47+00:00

Why would you want to compete with 18 year olds? There will always be someone smarter, more successful, fitter, more beautiful than you. That can either be the most overwhelming thought or freedom. Time doesn’t stop for anyone and You are working towards your goals, getting stronger. Maybe you’re not where you want to be but you’re getting there. The only competition you have is you. Keep growing and learning and nobody can tell you nothing. And just try to find joy in the journey. (I think I just gave you a paragraph of cliches lol but it’s all facts).

I’m older than you and I’ll be finished with my degree next year when I’m 32. I’m not tripping that I’ll be graduating with 22 years olds. I could have either let that thought crush my aspirations or let if fuel me. I’m also more in shape than I ever was in my 20s and I’ve gained about 35 pounds in the last couple of years and look better than ever. Do you, work toward what you want and fuck what anyone says about your physic or otherwise. Not giving a fuck is the ultimate free way to live.

ChristmasPriestess · 2020-08-23T05:09:30+00:00

One thing that helped me to stop comparing myself to other women was to unfollow all of the models/fitness influencers. You dont need to know what some Australian super model is up to. Unfollow every woman you compare yourself too. Most of that is photoshop anyway. We all have cellulite, dimples and sun spots. These women photoshop them and then post it. You're actively working on yourself and you've gotta remember that takes time and consistency. It won't happen overnight! Another recommendation is to see a therapist to help you with insecurities. You could also get on anti anxiety medication if that would help. You could look into new styles of clothing and study up on the best make up and hair for your eye shape and face shape, as you mentioned youre feeling "average." You're doing the work girl. Be gentle on yourself and remember that.

MagnoliaMirage · 2020-08-23T07:03:59+00:00

This is all manifesting as: I'm feeling like, I'm crappy because I should at least be as hot as possible since I'm as young as I'll ever be, but I'm squandering my youth and looks by being average, or maybe slightly above average because I do go to the gym every day. I compare myself so much, I am

So stop squandering your youth. It is simply that simple. You have to commit to yourself. Don't even think about a relationship right now if you aren't mentally secure.

You were fit so you can be that again. Fall in love with the process. The challenge of getting fit and realizing you're getting better. Your stamina is increasing, muscles are showing, fat is melting etc.

Take your progress pictures. When you see your first photo, don't be discouraged. See that photo and think, "this won't be forever and I can't wait to see my next progress picture".

Also, I find it insulting that you believe youth = beauty. I'm 22 but my god, the amount of women I met who were so beautiful and had the energy of a goddess. These women were in their 30s or 40s.

The women you admire, all those traits you have within yourself. Be willing to see yourself in that light.

strainedcrow · 2020-08-23T05:35:04+00:00

I'm in the same boat as you. The internalized male gaze runs deep in me and I'll save this thread to see if someone has advice for us lol :(

oldncranky1982 · 2020-08-23T13:55:26+00:00

Alright, there are some good replies here, but I'm gonna drop the law: This idea that you will be able to do what you want when you are "hot" is bullshit. Sorry, it's all a delusion between your ears. When you finally get yourself to sufficiently "hot", you will find something else to hate yourself for. You will find some other reason to not do what you want to do. The root of the problem is that you do not believe you are enough.

If beauty was the key to happiness then no beautiful person should be unhappy, yet many of them are. How many hollywood stars are addled with drug addiction? How many models are constantly dumped by men? In my own life, I have seen plenty of women who I thought were much hotter than me living lives of abject misery. I had one of them sitting on my couch before the Rona hit. Her husband owns a construction group in town known for building houses. She confessed to me that she's always been jealous of my life because it is simple, peaceful, and I seem happy. Often, you look at the lives of others and think "I wish i had that life", but you don't know how many of those people wish their life could be like yours.

Beauty will not save you from abuse. It will not save you from unhappiness. You must value yourself because you are you. For nothing else, just because you exist. If you were 300 pounds and in a wheelchair, you should still value yourself. The things you chase after are fleeting. They disappear like sand through your fingers, but you remain all the same. You have to accept that and learn to love yourself as you are. That's not to say you can't change, but you will always find misery and frustration if you can't learn to love yourself.

curlygirl507 · 2020-08-23T04:59:08+00:00

Being healthy is important, but there's no reason to compare yourself to fitness girls on Instagram. Your appearance should just be one part of your identity, and it shouldn't matter to the extent that you're writing about on here. Ask yourself, so what if I'm not hot (even though I'm sure you are)? What would happen? Would it devalue you as a person? No. Would it make you less likely to find love? No. In fact it might do the opposite of you're overly consumed with it. Would people love you less? Not the ones who matter.

2020-08-23T05:00:08+00:00

I’ve felt that way before. I think it’s normal. Especially because women are taught to tie their value to their physical appearance and weight. I went on a date a few months ago and it was the first one I had attempted to go on 6 months prior. So anyways he ends up calling me fat and telling me how wide I am and all this horrible stuff. To be clear, I’m not thin but I’m a normal weight compared to a lot of people. Anyways, prior to the date I felt I was really fat and unworthy because of society. I had spent a lot of time convincing myself that men didn’t think I was fat and it was all in my head. Well it turns out LVM do think I’m fat. And that’s the thing, I don’t think HVM do. I think it’s a LVM thought pattern. They take up atleast 90% of men and so we have been brainwashed by them. They are the ones who criticize us. They are the ones who use us for sex. They hate us and they want us to hate our bodies. Anyways so when I was in that situation where someone was saying it to me, I basically just felt really hurt at the time but since then my confidence has increased. I realized it was really unfair of him to say that stuff to me and it was unfair of me to think it of myself. I mean I still struggle with it obviously. But I guess I just feel like LVM are the ones who have an issue with it. I feel like HVM don’t base our worth on our weight or youth.

MalloryDame · 2020-08-23T07:50:38+00:00

Don't make it a competition. Stop following/looking at those instamodels - most of them are heavily edited anyway, so you'd be trying to achieve something impossible.

Don't compare yourself to anyone. Definitely use your old gains as motivation but don't be too hard on yourself. If you do get to that point again, great! If not, you did your best and became healthier/happier in the process, which is a win in my book.

I get how you feel. Depression and mental health issues can rob you of so much. But the point is not to let them define you. Yes, there was a period of your life you'd like to get back but it's impossible, so just try to focus on the now. And keep the future in mind (but don't stress over it either).

I would suggest therapy because there's definitely a lot of unresolved issues there that only a professional will be able to root out. Don't be scared to be vulnerable - it's okay to sound silly or insecure. What matters is that you heal and get your sense of self back!

Best of luck ❤️

enchantedglow · 2020-08-23T08:16:45+00:00

I recommend unfollowing all influencers/fitness model accounts and replacing them with body-positive, self-empowerment and positivity accounts in general instead. This will shift your mindset by a lot. I know it has for me. I can DM you some if you want.

You need to start making positive posts on your feed the new norm. By seeing these posts often and even repeating some of them as affirmations, you'll soon start to believe them yourself. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. It may take a while but it will happen.

I know it's easier said than done, but really, stop placing all your worth on how you look. It's not going to make you (actually) happy. Sure, reaching a body goal will make you happy short-term, but what about long-term? When you don't look like that anymore but your self-esteem depends on it? Because ageing is inevitable and sometimes life throws us unfortunate surprises, like a disability or medical condition that could impact your health and weight. And as you mentioned, mental health can also affect your weight. Weight fluctuates way too much for us to solely depend on it for happiness.

You said you feel like you're wasting your youth by "being average" but what about wasting it on being unhappy (not talking about depression here but the unhappiness you get from having low self-esteem and being too hard on yourself)? Become comfortable with the fact that you may not look like the influencers/fitness models/anyone else you see. And that's okay. It doesn't make you any less of a person. You are so much more than what you look like. And to be honest, most of those influencers don't actually look like that in real life. They use photoshop and different poses/lighting to help them achieve that look. You should only compare yourself to the most recent progress you made and strive to be better.

I also suggest picking up a hobby that doesn't focus on your weight/how you look. Particularly one that allows you to demonstrate and practise a skill so you can gain confidence by improving it. If you are still struggling, I also suggest receiving therapy to help you work through it. This is everything I can think of right now and I wish you luck on your journey ❤️

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2020-08-23T10:29:30+00:00

When this sub first started there were TONS of posts of hot as older women who were supposed to be passed their prime and they looked incredible.

I have a back and forth relationship with fitness too. Are you getting help with your depression?

You know how you get into fitness you have days where you don’t want to go but do it? Maybe you need more of those days but where you do 1/2 of what you usually do. When I tried to get fit again I felt bad about myself that I couldn’t do what I used to do instead of focusing on enjoying the moment.

Are you on social media? That is the #1 detriment to my mental health. The only thing that’s helped me has been removing it from my phone. I love looking back and seeing where I’ve been, but seeing the awesome things other ppl were doing just made me feel inadequate. ESPECIALLY those instamodels. Half of them have butt implants on top of working out. More than half.

I stopped following the “fitness inspiration” and started posting then deleting the app. I’d recommend doing those things as a first step

Elegant-Stop · 2020-08-23T08:05:52+00:00

Your post resonated with me because it’s how I felt before I settled into my career. As women were taught all out value comes from our youth and beauty and before you graduate and become financially independent it’s really, really hard to see that’s not true. At least it was for me. Keep loving and taking care of your body and mental health. Perhaps see a therapist to work on your self esteem. I do think your going to see a big change in how you see yourself though once you get that degree.

painmakesyoustronger · 2020-08-23T14:58:02+00:00

You’ll feel better in your 30s. Life experience, few to zero fucks to give, knowing who you are and what you want, having your priorities in order, much better self confidence and financial security.

I laugh at the concept of looking hot and youthful for dudes. Hopefully one day you will too.

ledfox · 2020-08-23T04:41:20+00:00

You're the boss. Keep this locked in mind.

In a shitty situation? Leave.

In a good situation? Own it. You're there because you want to be.

If you find yourself leaving a lot of parties, dates, ECT: good. No point in wasting your time on time wasters. If you aren't, ask yourself if you're the boss. If not, take charge or take off.

CassieGreen85 · 2020-08-23T23:36:09+00:00

I'm 34yo, nowhere near my desired levels of fitness, thinness or attractiveness. If you're already doing your best to achieve these goals, then be proud of that.

Also there's a lot of sick conditioning towards women to value ourselves ONLY and UNTIL our 20s are over, which is really only beneficial to men. Your value is not tied to your youth, and you have to remember this. It's one thing to always be the best version of yourself, but the best version of yourself was and never will be only the "youthful" one.

As for the mindset, see if you can get therapy, or consume as much FDS as you can; fake it until you make it. It's hard, but you have to keep reminding yourself whenever you have intrusive thoughts.

FDSxMuffinVSrat · 2020-08-24T07:09:28+00:00

I think you could benefit from therapy.

You define your value by youth and beauty. You are worth far more than that.

You don't have to be hot. You don't have to be young. You don't have to please other people by altering yourself.

I don't know the solution to replacing the way you think. I think, sometimes, when I feel insecure or down, I think indulging in some hedonistic stuff is good. Spoil yourself a little to help yourself realize it's ok to go things for yourself.

wolf_town · 2020-08-24T12:30:36+00:00

Filters and facetune. My sister facetuned a picture of me the other day and I swear to you, i looked like a completely different person. Instagram is full of women who know what their best angles are and are pros at facetune. These women are beautiful (as are you) but the beauty standards on instagram and SM are very difficult to live up to in reality. If you want to get in shape, do it for you, and no one else.

ello-motto · 2020-08-28T16:07:14+00:00

Do you want to date a man that literally sees you as a masturbatory object that he hopes doesn't age?

Or do you want to date a man who loves you, your growth, your life, as a whole entire individual, regardless of your age?

Your beliefs are catering to the first type of guy, and is constantly being gaslighted into young girls to live up so that these LVM/NVM can get away with their bullshit.

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