'A Man is NOT A Plan' - Article on older Women's homelessness and a good reason why we should spend our 20's/30's/40's securing ourselves.

Espionagess · 2021-02-02T21:08:07+00:00

Before my current job, I had a string of casual low income jobs in retail, fast food, call centre work, handing out pamphlets, etc. Almost everyone was in one of 2 camps - the backpackers and uni students, or the older women who spent their lives focusing on family and now have the same skill level as entry level employees - none. From those I spoke to, they all thought their marriages would last forever and none of them thought they would end up where they were. Don't ever underestimate the cruelty and indifference of LVM, always look out for yourself #1

AnnieandFish · 2021-02-02T22:32:26+00:00

This article is a pretty succinct argument for why housing should be considered a human right, or one in opposition to the nonsensical belief that disabled people magically require less money to live. Obviously, where we are now it’s important to prioritize our security as we grow in life, but no human should have to live in that insecurity, especially one who’s already measurably contributed to society (by raising two children to adulthood).

Sage_Planter · 2021-02-02T22:39:06+00:00

This was the biggest lesson my mom instilled in me as a child. She's still married to my dad (and has her own money), but she raised me to be fiercely independent.

PasDeTout · 2021-02-02T22:56:30+00:00

Always, always make sure your name is on the title deeds and never be the one to move out of a shared home after a breakup (assuming it’s safe to do so). Once you move out, it’s game over as the law will usually see that as you relinquishing your claim to stay in a property.

Summerisle7 · 2021-02-02T20:30:27+00:00

Interesting and heart-breaking article! There are so many ways for a woman's life to be turned upside-down. We really have to be careful with our work and our money. There are many things to learn from the example of the woman in this article.

"Just a few years ago, Zoe owned her home, where she raised her now-adult daughters and ran a number of businesses." - What happened to that home? Did she sell it and run through the money? Where are her adult daughters and why don't they help their mother? Ran a number of businesses - does that mean she didn't have a real job with benefits? Honestly, unless you're a born entrepreneur who is clearing serious profit from your company, you'll do better to get a full time job rather than being "self-employed."

"After moving out of the rental she and her ex-partner shared, Zoe was left at the gates of her storage unit with nowhere to go." So she put her things in storage at her own expense, moved into some guy's house and when he got tired of her he kicked her out. This is what we have so many FDS posts about, ladies!

"Now Zoe's only income is a disability pension, but she said $944 each fortnight was not enough to get into the rental market." Terrifying. I have no idea what housing availability or rents are like where she lives. From the article, seems she's been willing to move all over Australia and she doesn't work so she's not tied to any one city. Honestly she might need to lower her standards and live someplace bad. At least it would be her own roof. I expect she's blown her credit at this point plus maybe has an eviction or two on her record so most landlords won't rent to her.

I saw something in the article about various social services available for people, I hope she's availed herself of everything she can. It's true that a lot of help is aimed at people over 60. Your 50s are a bad time to be in if you don't have a job. Too young to retire, too old to be hired.

We need to take care of our health too. So many women neglect themselves, don't take care of problems when they arise. Then we end up prematurely aged like this woman, with multiple nebulous disabilities, unable to work at even menial jobs.

Sorry to pick this article apart but it's such an important topic and I have many thoughts on it!

nagadife · 2021-02-02T21:35:15+00:00

I just saw this video and it was sobering, it is about a woman who is now living with a disabled daughter in abject poverty after devoting 35 years to a man and giving him 4 children. He conned her out of everything in the divorce https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IjPc-b-_uQ

It goes to show you can never really know someone, and you definitely should not trust anyone blindly.

frogchickenhorse · 2021-02-03T03:07:03+00:00

I watched an sbs insight episode a few years ago about how older women become homeless / living in vans. It was usually due to marriage breakup, losing job and unable to gain another and a bout of illness. They were in their 50s and above. I took it to heart. My mum was 46 when divorced and it’s only due to her retraining when I was a baby, that she was able to secure a house/mortgage. Mum has never dated since the divorce. She doesn’t trust men.

Starsuponstars · 2021-02-03T00:15:28+00:00

Sigh. I clicked on this knowing I'd find posters waxing judgmental about other women and I was not pleasantly surprised.

Sometimes I think the majority of posters here must be in their 20s, because that's when we all suffer most from the delusion that our power is unlimited and that we can control everything in our lives. Ragging on other women for looking "old" and attributing any health issues or disabilities they may have to a lack of responsibility on their part is some super privileged pickme shit. Are we seriously expecting women to not age or get sick and then blaming them if they don't live up to those expectations? You know who invented that line of reasoning? MEN.

It sure would be nice if women prioritized themselves as much as possible, concentrated on their careers, etc. But even if they all did, we still happen to live under an exploitative system that is rigged against us, and for every successful woman, there are many more who don't succeed, for reasons that are not their fault. Look up "survivor bias."

Ancedotal data: I've spent all but 2 years of my life prioritizing myself, but whoops, I've suffered from a disability for pretty much my whole adult life, which no amount of striving to be worthy could make up for. I live in poverty with barely enough to survive. The only reason I'm not homeless is because I live in a cheaper country than the one I was born in. I'm not telling you any of this because I want or need your pity, only to illustrate the fact that sometimes shit just happens. Anyone reading this is probably better off than me, and good for you if you are, but if you could do me just one favor, I'd appreciate it if you would not assume that women suffering poverty or disease or disability are that way because they didn't try hard enough to avoid these things. They are not always avoidable.

circescircus · 2021-02-03T00:47:49+00:00

Yeah, it's a recipe for disaster, putting your life into a man's hands. I think the way girls grow up, what their mothers model for them and teach them, is so important.

My mom crawled up my ass, drilling it into my head, that I needed to have a career, that I had to study STEM, medicine or otherwise get into some other high-paying field. At 18, I wanted to go to art school, she lost her shit and told me she wouldn't fund it. I was butthurt and sad that she didn't "support my dreams", now that I'm older and have a good career, I'm grateful to her for being the bad guy. My job is actually still creative (just not in a traditional way), I get paid well (male dominated industry, so the pay is good naturally), and it leaves me with enough free time and mental bandwidth to pursue my purely creative goals.

I think she would have shanked me if I said my goal was to be a stay at home mom, or that I expected a man to take care of me for the rest of my life. She also never let me go to camps or to overnight school trips etc as a kid, she would say shit like "It's not worth getting molested over". Also discouraged dating as a teen, told me men will lie to you to get what they want, to expect it. I found her callous, morbid and insensitive growing up, she is imperfect for sure but I now appreciate her more than ever. I used to think she was just boujie and wanted to live vicariously through me, now I know that she was preparing me to survive and thrive in an imperfect, oftentimes ugly world.

And my mom has been married for 35 years, my dad was an excellent provider, AND he was a great dad, didn't bemoan actually raising his own children. My earliest memories are with my dad, because he and my mom would do shift work, and my dad's shift was morning-afternoon. I was mostly sleeping when my mom was home. My mom just wanted me to make more money than her, to have access to better jobs and opportunities.

Don't get me wrong, she also started pressuring me to get married at around age 26/27, got quite aggressive about it. She wanted me to have the full package-- a great career and a great husband. It took her a few years to realize how bad dating culture is now, she was just so clueless about it before and thought that I was being unreasonable, not putting myself out there and so on. I had to download a dating app and let her see what was actually out there, she got really upset and was like "It's better to never get married at all if this what it is like". We now enjoy a great relationship, but we would butt heads a lot. Overall I am grateful to my mom for sticking her neck out, trying so hard to make sure my life turned out well.

karaokekiller · 2021-02-03T13:14:53+00:00

I never planned to be in the situation I am in, but now close to 40, divorced, kids- including additional needs, I have a job but it is low hours to work around the kids- I don't know what my financial future holds. It is scary.

literal_salamander · 2021-02-03T10:21:31+00:00

My LVM ex (who lived with his dad and had a string of spotty jobs), HATED the fact I had my own, paid off house. His idea of what we should do? I sell my house, and rent with him splitting all bills. If it worked out, "we" (read:me) could buy "us" a new house , if not, then we could just break up. He could NEVER move in with me because it was "always my house". Where I live is a very high COL area, by the time you have paid taxes, fees, commissions say goodbye to almost 10% of your sale price. I would be then priced out of the market. SOUNDS LIKE A DEAL TO ME!!! WHERE DO I SIGN UP????

Spoiler: I did nothing of that sort. I told him to gtfo, I still have all my own money. Pro tip - no man of any sort of quality would ask you to sacrifice your financial security for his ego.

Watzoo · 2021-02-04T20:46:14+00:00

I’m so glad someone is saying something.

My first retail jobs in high school were either kids like me or ... a virtual army of elderly women working 2-4 of these low-paying, on-your-feet-all-day, no-health-insurance jobs to barely stay afloat. They’d married, focused on their homes and children and husbands and then.... he left them or he died and they found out there wasn’t a pension or retirement savings.

They faced a future of labor around the clock, no retirement, nothing to look forward to. A few were still lovely and tried to mother us younger kids- it was what they knew. It was also largely unwanted and unappreciated.

A few were starving - one routinely stole frozen burritos out of the grocery stock for her lunch. Those of us that knew never said anything.

Nothing motivated me to finish college and prioritize income like that experience. You realize very quickly that no one is there for women who aren’t seen as “useful” by men. You’re on your own.

There would be one or two older men here and there. It wasn’t common.

ETA: the article mentions Zoe’s health problems. Most women leaving batterers and coercive controllers (who may never have actually hit them) have chronic and/or neurological illness. Living with chronic stress causes your health to crumble. LVM can literally cost you your life without once hitting you.

2021-02-03T12:14:40+00:00

bUt wHaT mALe hOmeLesSneSs

/s/ obviously

But yes, housing should be a human right and public housing needs more funding, along with healthcare (also a human right) and mental healthcare (human right) and substance abuse treatment (human right.) We also need to be teaching high schoolers less about things they won’t need in the real world or could learn in college and more about budgeting, insurance plans and taxes because those are far more useful than dissecting a frog or a pig fetus.

Title	'A Man is NOT A Plan' - Article on older Women's homelessness and a good reason why we should spend our 20's/30's/40's securing ourselves.
Author	Splatzy19
Upvotes	462
Comments	35
Date	February 2, 2021 8:09 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lb53an/a_man_is_not_a_plan_article_on_older_womens/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/a-man-is-not-a-plan-article-on-older-womens.744053 https://theredarchive.com/post/744053

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