addicted to male validation (need help going into pickmeisha rehab)

hensbanex · 2021-08-24T10:33:07+00:00

first of all, I don’t think you belong in the hall of shame. you know your behavior is conditioned and isn’t serving you and you want to change; recognizing that is the first step.

second of all, I deeply relate to everything you said especially seeing myself in the third person - I made a comment on a different post yesterday about how when I was porn addicted and a pickme I also did that, viewed myself from a third persons perspective, all the time, including during sex. It’s basically a form of dissociation. You get to turn your brain off and not be in touch with your desires or inner feelings because you’re so focused on others wants and needs and molding your outer self to fit those.

I want you to try to do this but for yourself. Try to envision yourself from your perspective just being happy and unbothered, envision your child self and give her a hug, tell her what she’s always wanted to hear. You have the power to give yourself that same attention and affection you’re wasting on men. Don’t expect perfection or a total 180, but try little steps and appreciate your progress.

in the absence of therapy, try meditation to help get used to “coming back” into your mind and your perspective so that when you feel yourself slipping and begin self objectifying, you can consciously step back into your own head. Try to ask yourself questions like “how is this current pickme behavior serving me?,” “do I even like this guy? what does he bring to me? what benefits does he hold for me?” try to frame every interaction as an interview where you’re interviewing them, not the other way around, for a place in your life.

your life and your energy are sacred and only select individuals deserve to know you and have access to that energy. if no one quality is around for you to share it with, focus it right back on yourself and building your self worth and your life up with rich experiences and non men centered hobbies. best of luck; we have all been where you’ve been 💓💓💓

ChickaDeeD33 · 2021-08-24T10:43:38+00:00

Oh my love! I feel for you and I understand. You are certainly not alone in these feelings and thank goodness you've found us early on in your life. It took me a decade long abusive relationship to learn these lessons so hopefully you can learn from mine instead and take much less time and heartache.

Therapy. It will be the first thing I recommend 'til the cows come home because even if you didn't have a particular issue to work on, having someone who is schooled in human psychology to help you upkeep your mental health and continually level up and navigate your future experiences will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Shop around. Find a good one that vibes with you.
Do not blame and shame yourself for the insecurities that other people gave to you. You can take responsibility, and recognize them, and try to work on fixing them yes! Of course! But don't ever think you are a bad person for struggling with this. My narc ex used to call me an "attention wh*re" when I was too needy for him and I thought I was wrong to feel that way, until my therapist at the time (who helped me escape him) told me that connection and attention are human NEEDS. We can't be deprived of them. So of course your brain is reacting this way to having had unstable parental relationships. If dad is an option now, I would see about strengthening the bond with him and seeing how that impacts your need to be seen by other men. If not, also other (female or male) role models or peers that you admire are good to spend time with and get real approval and appreciation from. Also, make sure you're giving that attention to yourself. Catch yourself in store Windows and catcall you in your head like "daaaaamn girrrrl you fire todayyy!" or "yeah, this song pumps, I'd wanna be my friend if I saw myself sitting in this car being this cool". Two songs - I'm It by Kota Banks, and Be My Own Boyfriend by Olivia Dean are my jams for lovin' on myself on days I just need that flavour of attention thrown at me. I do it for myself! Lol.

That's all I have space for atm. I hope it helps. I'll save this Post and try to remember to come back to it after.

Much love, best of luck. ✌️

Edit to say: you are not crazy, you are definitely not a narcissist.

verysexycaterpillar · 2021-08-24T12:41:28+00:00

There's a book called "more than a body" which mentions the male gaze and self objectification, could be worth having a look. There's a free copy on Libgen as an epub format

vatellechef · 2021-08-24T13:41:03+00:00

In addition to the great suggestions of the ladies above, and only as a less important/“phase 2” recommendation, I would try to create and nurture a circle of women friends. Try to start from women only hobbies if you can/ covid situation in your area allows it. I started a women only Pilates programme and it’s incredible how my workout has shifted to “I want to be hot —-> squats to make my butt sexier” to “I want to be healthier and stronger”, no matter the pickmes/scrotes choir of “BuT NO Man wiLL LIke YOu WiTh BROAd ShOUlDers!!!”. Never felt better and my new gym ladies friends are amazing professionals/HVW

blueboobs- · 2021-08-24T14:01:24+00:00

The fantasy framework and reward conditioning we are set up with has instilled the actual misplaced feeling of where the ultimate validation and rewards lie. I believe a conscious discerning and hard working collective of women can reverse engineer this so we find our highest esteem amongst women, but women have to control their share of rewards in this society and set the terms around them. Then you’ll see our relationships with women being the highest honor and men as the side dish, back burner, placeholder or irrelevant completely, which is currently how women view other women.

LateDiagnosedAutie · 2021-08-24T16:04:41+00:00

First, I'm really sorry that your development led to you being sexualized so early in life. You were young and vulnerable, and all these intrusions on you led you to internalize some seriously messed up messages about value, worth and love. You deserved better!

I'm also going to share some lessons that I've unpacked during my own therapy sessions. This isn't something that my therapist told me, but more like stuff that I realized while talking thing out with her. It's mostly about shifting blame from yourself to the system that made you feel lesser than human.

Capitalism is built on the premise that everything is either a commodity OR a consumer. Like literally EVERYTHING! There was a time, about ten years back, when it was actually legal to patent and copyright the naturally occurring genetic code in all living creatures. Insane!

Patriarchal capitalism leans heavily towards making men into consumers and women into commodities. That's what happened to you as a 12 year old. You were a beautiful girl with a 'lush developing body', and were commodified accordingly as a sex doll, at freaking 13 years of age!!! I've noticed the tone of your post seemed more apologetic than furious. Which is ok, because I feel enough rage for both of us! You were not only commodified by the male consumers in your vicinity, but you were then conditioned to internalize your 'value' as a product for their drooling mouth-breather consumption. What they did was disgusting and appalling and I hope they all die of syphilis!

I would recommend that you find value and worth in yourself outside of being a Precious Commodity for Male Consumption. Find some like-minded friends. Begin some passion projects and hobbies. Make time for yourself to just breathe, meditate and just Be Human outside of the system that's trying to convince you to have Decent Market Value.

I'm so excited for you at the beginning of your journey. Best of luck, my darling.

shoesfromparis135 · 2021-08-24T21:50:19+00:00

First off, don’t worry about it. We’re all former PickMes here. Some people like to judge and be mean, but don’t worry about it. We’ve all been there.

Second, any time you find yourself worrying about what men think, just remember that men will literally have sex with a pie. And they won’t just do that, oh no. They’ll make an entire movie series dedicated to having sex with pies and call it “the greatest teen comedy ever made.”

Spoiler Alert: It’s not.

I know it sounds silly at first, but it works. Anytime you’re worried about a specific guy, just imagine him sticking his dick in a pie. It works! You’ll realize it doesn’t matter whether he likes you or not because he’s just gonna masturbate with baked goods anyway.

Also, it provides immediate comedic relief, which is a nice bonus in the depressing hellscape we live in.

candyfox84 · 2021-08-24T21:12:40+00:00

I hate to say this but I think this is kind of normal? Maybe to varying degrees?

I don't want to minimize your pain, only tell you that you aren't an anomaly and there isn't anything wrong with you, how you view the world and how it shaped you. Now that you are forming your identity into adulthood, you are seeing the strategic ways in which you want to deviate from some of the cultural norms you were instilled with. This is healthy! And it's powerful!

One thing that might offer a unique perspective is an anthropology class. Or social psychology. These can help to drill down on cultural factors and how they influence our thoughts and behaviors. Wanting acceptance is a human quality. But where acceptance involves dehumanizing ourselves, that's oppression, which can't make us happy.

motokos_ghost · 2021-08-24T21:28:49+00:00

strangely enough the only thing that really made FDS sink in was feeling the peace in my soul and home life after an extremely emotionally abusive relationship with a zvm. i'm not sure i really would've been able to snap out of my pickme ways without that horrible experience. i had to learn the hard way i guess.

comet2004 · 2021-08-25T05:28:38+00:00

I think I know what you mean by the weird hookup category thing too. I used to also get frustrated because despite being rather conservative actually, guys would also try to dehumanize me and put me in that category despite doing NOTHING to indicate I would be ok with that. I think for me it was because I had low self-esteem due to also having a LVM father, and then also being vulnerable due to still being in school and young. These guys can sense vulnerability like sharks and try and manipulate you. Do not take it personally or let it affect you. Just don't fall for it.

Sounds like you are still in college correct? I highly recommend not dating until you are financially secure or at least are prioritizing financial security. For me focusing on my education really saved me from some bad relationships during my college pickme years. The minute I finished grad school and started to make money, its like a flip switched, my entire energy changed and now, for the most part, guys who approach me want relationships. It could be a sport, could be education, charity work -- whatever, just continue to level up.

I know another thing I struggled with growing up with a LVM father, was even knowing what a HVM looked like. Once you do, you will quickly realize validation from LVM means nothing. For me really reading the handbook REALLY helped me. It took me several reads and constant participation in the sub to actually be able to apply it. Even now sometimes I encounter a situation that wasn't in the handbook and i'm like "is this LVM behavior" and then i'll just ask and learn from everyone else's experiences.

This is one resource available to you, but as others mentioned there is also therapy. There are high-value female friendships to be made. Some of the books people mentioned here as well as some of the ones mentioned in the wiki. You can get there, you just have to put in the work.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-08-25T23:00:56+00:00

I think you're mostly there. These things are habits. You intellectually know they're a problem, now the trick is to catch yourself doing it in the moment and redirect your attention elsewhere.

Title	addicted to male validation (need help going into pickmeisha rehab)
Author	ShapePsychological74
Upvotes	180
Comments	15
Date	August 24, 2021 2:27 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/paeeqv/addicted_to_male_validation_need_help_going_into/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/addicted-to-male-validation-need-help-going-into.1060248 https://theredarchive.com/post/1060248

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