Changing the mindset to be attracted to HVMs

bumbumboleji · 2020-02-10T08:32:35+00:00

It’s just my opinion but you are focused and generalising too much about outward appearance, But of course you should be attracted to your mate! There are for sure 100% HVM who look the way you like, not all big ‘manly men’ are LVM’s, ya just gotta find yourself a gentle giant. I hope I’m making sense, I’m not saying not to focus on looks, just don’t judge so much on them as I’m omg he’s HOT and forget to vet his personality properly.

circescircus · 2020-02-10T09:03:21+00:00

What makes you think pudgy, soft guys are good guys? If anything, they're even worse.

It's okay to have a type. Just make sure that you are able to attract enough of your type/be able to meet enough of your type. It's a numbers game. If you can meet 100 Marlboro men, you only need 1 of those guys to be a HVM. However, if you can only find 1 of these guys every few months, the chances are really terrible.

If you have a very specific type, let's say you're only into guys that are 6'2+ with dark hair and green eyes, with a specific chest hair pattern. This limits your options. Unless you get extremely lucky, you most likely have to relax your standards in other things. So let's say you find a HV Marlboro man who treats you like a queen-- well he might have an IQ on the lower side of average, he might have shitty taste in music, he might not have a passport, etc.

IMO, if you have a strong physical type, you need to keep your list to "my physical type + be a good person".

I think your way of thinking is dangerous. You associate feminine, soft looking dudes with being "good guys". If anything they are even more predatory and sick than traditionally masculine looking men. Be careful. Maybe stick to your type and try to find the best man who fits your physical type, since you have such misguided ideas about softer looking men.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-02-10T10:26:54+00:00

I don't go for ridiculously good looking bad boys and I still end up with LVM fuckbois, abusers, or men who are too lazy and low effort to be worth my time. Smart dudes, good ole boys, nerds.....most men are low value no matter the label.

turquoiseblues · 2020-02-10T08:35:19+00:00

You’re prioritizing superficial personality features (which includes looks) over character. Focus on character first. A bad boy is generally not long-term relationship material.

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2020-02-10T09:30:53+00:00

You have to change your values. It also pays to look at your love language and assess if you can't find reassurance in another way. My love language is words of affirmation and physical touch. I am absolutely perfect for manipulation. What's helped me is knowing myself and making a list of what I value - empathy, consistency and honesty are three big ones.

I have also taken stock of absolute deal breakers: gambling, drugs, communication with exes. I will not even entertain the idea of going for men engaged in any of the latter.

I've also realised that how I feel about someone should be a slow burn meaning it shouldn't feel whirlwind and it shouldn't be so up and down.

You really have to do some inner work to get to a point where you can change your mindset to the personalities you are drawn to. I have a counsellor and I take care of myself. I have hobbies and I make sure I stay in touch with all of my friends consistently. That way I'm not devastated when I don't get a message from someone within 5 minutes of sending the last text because I'm working on myself and my own shit.

Hope that helps.

riseaboveagain · 2020-02-10T14:47:16+00:00

Talk to a therapist and find out why you have this attraction. Bad boys are a form of self destruction. They don’t add value to your life and can end up damaging your self esteem.

sadpourtoujours · 2020-02-10T18:23:09+00:00

Start being attracted to how men treat you above anything else. That’s what I did. Before I based it off of looks/style and political ideology. Looks obviously had no effect on a man’s treatment of me. And political ideology? Men that claimed they were feminists had sexually assaulted me in the past.

Instead, I threw that mindset in the trash and just paid attention to the men who chased me the hardest and tried the hardest to impress me. Attraction is necessary, of course, but be more open-minded about attractive men that aren’t your usual “type”.

With my current boyfriend, I had several men chasing me in my social circle. However, he perused me the hardest. He tried so incredibly hard to win me. So, I chose him. He’s not my usual “type” in terms of style and scene, but he is still very attractive. He’s not a leftist like me, but respects our differences.

Because I chose to be attracted to treatment instead of cursory things, I’m treated incredibly well. So well I can’t believe it sometimes!

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2020-02-10T13:30:22+00:00

Maybe you should also look at positive traits that could be “dangerous.” It’s really a scale of uncertainty (within reason) and emotions... So, enthusiasm, ambition, etc. You need your positive version of the vibe.

stRf1sh · 2020-02-10T15:32:03+00:00

I wrote a list of what I wanted in a partner with the help of my therapist. I focused more on how I wanted to FEEL rather than details (like height etc). Not to say attractiveness doesn’t matter- instead I wrote things like -we have a passionate relationship/I am attracted to him. Other things on my list were- wants to commit to me, makes me a priority, we laugh together, smart, kind, generous, loyal etc. The other thing is being in a place to say no. It took me a LOT of dates to find him. There were some close calls where I questioned myself- like this guy almost adds up, why am I not into him? Lastly, others may disagree with this one but... have an open mind. I met my guy online. He was cute but his profile didn’t scream my type. I went on a simple first date- we didn’t even kiss! I didn’t know if I’d hear from him again or not but I did and after the 2nd/3rd date i really noticed how he lined up w the values I had been looking for. When we did finally make out I knew the passion was there. Not saying waste your time but it’s worth going out w a lot of people. In the past I’ve gone for dark haired tall somewhat scruffy guys and my boyfriend is not that (he is tall tho lol).

Thenightsaresolong_ · 2020-02-10T16:54:00+00:00

I’m into tall, thin waifish guys that couldn’t throw a punch if their life depended on it and are willing to openly cry in front of me.

Believe me, there are lots of fuckbois among them. I don’t think it’s exclusive to one “type”

FutileDeathStar · 2020-02-10T19:01:03+00:00

First off, I don't think all HVM are the same. Please do correct me if I'm wrong, but generally, I think we can accept that people can have very different personalities, and barring certain traits that are essential for being HV, people wildly differ. HVM could be shy and reserved, or loud and outgoing, nerdy or not... You get the point. So try to isolate those essential traits of being HV with personality quirks that make people fun and different!

ghygdryhchmmmmjj · 2020-02-11T00:58:38+00:00

A hvm can absolutely meet your looks criteria. I am firmly holding out for my fit man who likes the lift but isnt a douche. Lmao. This will take a few years to find. Good! It will give me a few years to keep leveling up myself. I live the macho guys the beards. Lvm exist with manicured hands and great fashion also. Basically lvm are everywhere. It's a character thing not a looks thing. It takes maybe a bit more vetting and being careful but its possible. Never date a guy you're not attracted to!

RobotAmerican · 2020-02-10T15:00:20+00:00

I don't get "badboy" attraction, but if I had to think of the darker traits that are attractive in the guys that I do like, I'd say they have a "supervillain, but good" vibe that impressed me. Meaning that they're not goody-goody constant people-pleasers or church boy types (which some of the LVM that I dated were, and they were the worst at relationships, because they were always chastising people for not being perfectly "fair" to everyone, which is impossible). It's hard to describe the traits that I like, but it's like that they demonstrate ruthless ambition and drive, but in a constructive way, and are very pragmatic and logical. Maybe you can find a way to seek high-quality versions of those dark traits that you like?

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