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PicklesNBacon
[–]blackopium777FDS Apprentice 209 points210 points211 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
"Should I be upset?" No Honey you should be single by now.
[–]PicklesNBaconFDS Newbie[S] 52 points53 points54 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
For mf’ing real!
[–]1Here4BachFDS STRATEGY COACH 114 points115 points116 points 6 years ago* (10 children) | Copy Link
The first comment is “have you told him how that makes you feel?” She shouldn’t have to tell him how that makes her feel!
He knows he prioritizes his friendships over his relationship. No amount of crying on her part will make him feel sorry for her. She’s a place holder girlfriend. He gives the bare minimum in the relationship because he knows she’s not the one so he doesn’t have to put in effort to “win her over”.
He carelessly fabricated the lie that he didn’t have money which she can easily call bullshit on. He doesn’t even care enough to make up a decent lie.
[–]psychsenseFDS Apprentice 56 points57 points58 points 6 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
I see so many posts where people advise them to do the stupidest shit like that. When there’s enough evidence to convict him for being the LVM he is. Even in some posts, where the woman is clearly being abused, the comments will tell her to go to therapy with her abuser and tell him how she feels. Yeah that will stop an abuser...
[–]PicklesNBaconFDS Newbie[S] 30 points31 points32 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Yeah as if he doesn’t know how he is making her feel..of course he does! And he doesn’t give a shit because she LETS him treat her that way
[–]psychsenseFDS Apprentice 28 points29 points30 points 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Yeah! Honestly men think it’s our price to pay for falling for them and taking all their shit. They don’t think “hey I shouldn’t be an ass to my girlfriend” they think “man this woman puts up with so much so she basically deserves this treatment”
[–]extraacct1234Ruthless Strategist 17 points18 points19 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is exactly why women should never take men's shit.
[–]PicklesNBaconFDS Newbie[S] 12 points13 points14 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
He even acknowledges that he’s a shitty boyfriend. Apparently he has acknowledged that multiple times in the past (after doing shitty things to her) if you read the original post
[–]extraacct1234Ruthless Strategist 20 points21 points22 points 6 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
It's fucking hilarious when they do do this, and by hilarious I mean damn tragic, because a lot of time the counselors are too poorly trained on men and their bullshit to even realize he's the abuser. She will end up with the counselor on his side telling her to just give in and do what he wants. I'm pretty sure marriage counseling was completely invented by men and pickmes.
[–]psychsenseFDS Apprentice 11 points12 points13 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Yeah especially if they go to a male therapist. Couples therapy will never work for a man who is abusive. He will not change because in couples therapy he isn’t even being himself, he’s putting on an act. The best case scenario for those women is to leave (if they are able to) and never look back. He needs therapy by himself and if he’s abusive- clearly talking about love languages isn’t going to help.
[–]extraacct1234Ruthless Strategist 14 points15 points16 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah I read horror story after horror story.
I actually got to have my own experience with this when I was 15 with my narc ASPD father. That therapist had no clue that he was totally playing her. By the end of the session she was eating out of his hand telling me everything was my fault. Basically she was just an outside person he essentially paid to continue the attempted gaslighting.
When we got out to the car I had to throw up ridiculous anger fit so he would never attempt to make me go back there. It's the only language he understood and I had to use that option very sparingly.
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
Some of the MOST abusive underneath people in life are incredibly skilled at seeming like innocent pillars of their communities and winning people over- keeping their Jekyll and hyde personality behind closed doors and their abuse insidious...and making their victims look like the sick, lying or deranged ones (might even threaten them/ dangle things over their head). That's how they get away with it for so long- but its like a lot of therapists seem naive to this.
I agree- unfortunately a lot of therapists enter the industry with innocent intentions to help people, but seem to lack the nuanced life experience to acknowledge how deeply manipulative and selfish humans can be. They can't believe some of the shit they're being told is true- they think the traumatised person sat in front of them must have got it wrong, is holding a grudge or be exaggerating. Oh the naivety! I really think this can be triggering for someone who's emotionally raw and needs someone to help validate them/navigate them through those feelings. Therapists have a bad habit of projecting their own views/experiences onto the patient.
IMO women need to find a therapist that specialises in personality disorders- maybe even one online or over the phone....otherwise you'll just get some clueless pickmeisha therapist telling you to 'turn the other cheek' and 'forgive' a deeply manipulative toxic person who has no desire to change. These people are so naive lol if you're dealing with a grade A narc of any kind- trying to change them or force the relationship to work is self-sabotage, they'd rather die and run you into the ground than apologise. If you ask me- most therapists are too out of their depth to be doing their job effectively- sometimes they're making the patient feel even less supported. I personally think they should employ more people who have first hand experience of dealing with these sorts- otherwise- how can they truly get it?
[–]extraacct1234Ruthless Strategist 3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Absolutely. You can't take a narc to therapy, And certainly not to pickmisha therapy. I would watch my father charm people and they would be eating out of his hand within 5 minutes. The guy was all a woman and child beater and he could trick people like it was nothing. I never forgot that lesson. People would actually come up to me and tell me how lucky I was that I had such a cool father.
He spent all his time, when people weren't looking, with his fist in my face telling me he would fuck me up if I didn't do exactly as he pleased. He loved to get me into his car on the freeway and then he would drive like an absolute maniac. Almost hit cars, people, whatever, didn't matter, just to get the upper hand and try to terrify me. I would sit there and file my nails feigning calm just to call his bluff.
[–]CuriousCatNYC777Ruthless Strategist 34 points35 points36 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
DM her the link for FDS. She needs it.
[–]PicklesNBaconFDS Newbie[S] 15 points16 points17 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
She 1000% needs it
[–]RobotAmericanFDS Apprentice 27 points28 points29 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Unless this boy is too broke to eat, there's literally no excuse for him to not ask her on a picnic to the park, or give her a gift of something homemade. As was said in another post, gifts from TJ's are as low as 99¢ each, and there's no excuse to not plan a free or low-cost date.
[–]PicklesNBaconFDS Newbie[S] 4 points5 points6 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
He’s not too broke to eat - he’s going out to eat with his friends
[–]PicklesNBaconFDS Newbie[S] 14 points15 points16 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Here’s the post
https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/f2es8f/boyfriend_tells_me_he_has_no_money_to_do_anything/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
[–][deleted] 12 points13 points14 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Jesus. Get dressed in something sexy and go out with some single friends.
[–]dilligent_squatterFDS Newbie 11 points12 points13 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I’d next him. My shitty ex used to waste money on magic cards and Wendy’s everyday and then be like “oh sorry I’m too poor for dates, feel bad for me.” I literally saw him spend $50 each on two magic cards that he “needed,” but couldn’t bother to cover a beer and a slice of pizza for me at pub trivia totaling about $11.
Fuck all of that noise, it’s a manipulation tactic to make YOU feel bad for asking to be prioritized and treated well. And a good man should just DO that without being asked, he should be falling over himself to make you his priority and put forth effort make you feel happy and special. It’s not about spending every penny he has on you, but if he has the option of spending on you or spending on hanging out with his “boys” around holiday time? All I hear is “fast food, drinking at a club and going to the movies are more important that my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.”
[–]PicklesNBaconFDS Newbie[S] 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Amen!
[–]sweatydeath[M] [score hidden] 6 years ago stickied comment (4 children) | Copy Link
u/spicybeanburger have either of you brought up Valentine’s Day plans with each other? Did he forget or just intentionally plan something and tell you he was sorry & that he couldn’t hang out with you that day?
If he forgot, then I’d ignore him until he seeks you out. It’s a red flag if he doesn’t remember. If he remembered but made plans anyway, maybe this a good time to pull back, see if this relationship is what you want, and date others. How a man acts around the holidays is an indicator of how serious he feels about you.
Wait until the holiday passes, but armor yourself up in case he didn’t make you feel like a queen on that special day. Do NOT let this slide.
[–]spicybeanburger14 points 6 years ago [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
We had plans, created by him, originally to get food in and have a night in and whatnot, but now all plans have been revoked as he said he was too broke for it
[–]sweatydeath 25 points26 points27 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Having no money is not an excuse. He could have just cooked a nice meal with you and given you a nice card with a lovely note. It’s not about the money it’s about making you feel special.
[–]Fatt3stAveng3rFDS Disciple 9 points10 points11 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
How does that fly? And he's still planning on doing things with other people? No way is this ok.
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Even if he was suddenly short of money because an unforeseen expense popped up, he should still make an effort to see you and do something thoughtful. He could have kept the plans for a night in but cooked instead of ordering food.
The fact that he's making no effort to stick to your plans in any way means he doesn't really want to. The fact that he's seeing friends instead means you're not a priority to him.
[–]steingrrrlFDS Newbie 7 points8 points9 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
"Should I be upset?"
I hate this mindset. That you have to ask permission to validate your own feelings that youre already having. this really fucked me up, for years. being told I'd be upset/sad/mad/dissapointed for 'no reason'. people say that men aren't allowed to show their feelings to the extent that women are, but we hold back so much, because we constantly feel like our feelings aren't valid, and that we're just crazy or hysterical, because we're told thats what emotional women are. its taken me a long time, but i've given myself permission to feel whatever i'm feeling. my feelings aren't always necessarily objectively correct, but they're real and they're valid.
[–]kumquat_fdsFDS Disciple 6 points7 points8 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Ex-bf used to do this exact same shit!! I felt guilty even bringing it up. He was full of dumb excuses. I didn’t want to lose him so I just accepted it. Fucking never again.
At least you learned your lesson!
[–][deleted] 8 points9 points10 points 6 years ago (44 children) | Copy Link
I don't know how I feel about shaming pickmeshas. They've been brainwashed and incorrectly socialized. We should take pitty on them and reach out, not alienate them from solidarity.. right?
[–]PicklesNBaconFDS Newbie[S] 5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (43 children) | Copy Link
No one is alienating them
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 6 years ago (39 children) | Copy Link
Idk. I feel like shaming them, calling them stupid etc for something that's not their fault is the definition of alienation. They need an education and a helpful hand extended. Not some self-righteous "were better than other girls" kinda stuff, because we've had the access to it, they haven't.
[–]spicybeanburgerFDS Newbie 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah ngl after reviewing this, and then actually going to find the definition of "pickmeishas", I feel a bit put out. I asked for help granted, and appreciated everything people have said, however to be labelled as something that "devalues other women" because I asked for help in an area that's still undeveloped in my life, is a bit shite. Granted it may work for others, and that's great! I'm glad they had help! But to take posts from another sub, and then somewhat degrade the person asking for help because you're aware of what they're not isnt always the best approach. I'm aware of what my bf has done wrong, and thanks to the help of others simply laying things out I realise that red flags in this situation. To then feel like I'm being shamed after gaining helpful advice? Not the best feeling.
[–][deleted] 6 years ago (37 children) | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (36 children) | Copy Link
Is it clown behavior if you've been born and raised in the circus? No, it's just normalcy
[–][deleted] 6 years ago (35 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (34 children) | Copy Link
I'm glad shaming and all that has worked for you, but alot of at-risk pick-mes are victims of abuse. That approach won't work and only alienates them further because instead of telling them their worth, you're literally telling them the opposite, that they're stupid women deserving of shame. That's all a pick-me has ever heard, that's why she's a pick-me, you're only going to shove her down that "other girls are mean and evil why would I want to be like them, they're obviously wrong because I'm not stupid or deserving of shame".
[–][deleted] 6 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f2zcc7/pick_me_and_most_lvw_behaviors_come_down_to_what/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
[–][deleted] 6 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Talk about alienation.
[–]redbirdfliesFDS STRATEGY COACH 3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago (26 children) | Copy Link
This sub isn’t for everyone. Most people need to be shook to their senses by the harsh reality of truth. For those more on the sensitive, there are other places to recover from pickmeisha behavior. This sub is a shot of tough love mixed with support, guidance and advice. Some are harsher than others (*raises hand) because we’ve been there and we want to stop others from making the same mistakes. I wish someone had been more honest and tough with me when I was making my worst mistakes.
There’s another set of people who have been through horrific trauma and they need a whole different approach and in that case they need to seek support more specific to their needs (rape victims might do better with rape trauma specialist etc).
Personally I’d advise anyone suffering from deep trauma to seek therapy before they engage with the world in general (dating etc). This sub can’t help unless the woman is at least baseline in understanding how normal relationships operate.
FDS isn’t here to cater to everyone’s specific challenges. This is a dating strategy sub for women and even though it’s a supportive environment, it cannot replace therapy.
"other girls are mean and evil why would I want to be like them, they're obviously wrong because I'm not stupid or deserving of shame". The last part of that sentence, if a woman already realizes she isn’t stupid or deserving of shame, she’s waaaay more ahead of the game than most. If she’s aware that she doesn’t deserve to be shamed, she most likely won’t be affected by any harsh truths thrown her way
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (23 children) | Copy Link
[–]redbirdfliesFDS STRATEGY COACH 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (22 children) | Copy Link
You literally just linked something I posted a few days ago to this sub
My pick me behavior was a result of my own trauma. It was reading this sub and seeing the behaviors called out in harsh lighting that finally woke me up to what I never realized before
What works for some doesn’t work for others. I’m not in this sub calling anyone stupid and I don’t advocate it but I do see the value in pointing out behaviors that are ridiculous
If you’re so disturbed by this you can start you’re own pickmeisha rehab kid glove instead of tough love sub, pretty sure the “help” will turn out to be a mirror of the advice given on all of the other relationship subs on Reddit though, which is garbage most of the time, so, good luck with that.
Just like with anything else, you take what information works for you and leave the rest.
[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
This isn't just tough love, it's shame. Tall are literally straight up mocking and ridiculing these women who are clearly asking for help. It's alienating.
Shaming people like this is the literal opposite of support. Other things on this sub are fine, and we can talk about the pick-me problem. But stop shaming these individuals for Christ sake. You're hurting more people than you're helping
[–]redbirdfliesFDS STRATEGY COACH 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
You sound like everyone else on the relationship advice subs “Have you told him how you felt?” Etc. All you’re doing is putting the responsibility of fixing the situation on the man. That’s pickmeisha mindset. It’s not up to the man to change. If you haven’t learned this by now, you need to: It’s up to you to change, not others around you.
You don’t level up by blaming men, you level up by taking responsibility for your own actions and acting in accordance with higher standards that you set for yourself.
Pickmeishas are not going to change by pointing a finger at men and blaming them
Girl, have you even read the FDS handbook?
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points 6 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
Just speaking to a girl just yday who told me her boyfriend of 8years 'doesn't celebrate valentines day' and so he hasn't got her anything for 8 years. (Yes emphasis on boyfriend of 8 years)
She seemed to be both defending his 'decision' (aka BULLSHIT cheapskate excuse) not to celebrate it, whilst simultaneously moaning it would be nice if he got her something just this once :(
I couldn't help but think- WHY don't you grow a backbone and confront him on his stinginess? Why don't you tell him other women are being taken out by their partners and spoiled? She's just passively accept it, so now he doesn't feel any pressure to take her out.
Classic case of COCKHOLM SYNDROME!
I can't understand this mindset at all....realistically she knows he's just feeding her any old excuse not to make a fuss on ONE day of the year after spending 8 consecutive years of life bending to him. I can imagine the rest of their relationship is equally unfulfilling if she's passive enough to accept such treatment, as a forever GF, for so long.
So take it from me guys, you're not missing out much this valentines day with women tolerating this kinda low effort bullshit lmaooo
[–]PicklesNBaconFDS Newbie[S] 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Cockholm Syndrome 😂🤣😅
[–]chungkingxbricksFDS Newbie 1 point2 points3 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
God this was me and I wasn’t allowed to be mad about it lest he rage and scream at me. How I was that blind...desperate codependent pickmeisha. Nah, sis.
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[–][deleted] 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
It’s the thought that counts
[–]romodoc1FDS Newbie 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
He’s not your boyfriend
[–]ShellfishhahaFDS Newbie 0 points1 point2 points 6 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Omg just dump him and go on tinder on something. Guys on valentines are desperate, there are ten guys spamming me to meet them on valentines right now (and when i say spamming i mean S P A M M I N G) , i just prefer to spend it by myself since i havent really felt a genuine connection with any of them, but obviously she doesn’t care lmao
I doubt she will. It seems like he’s been shitty to her multiple times before (and he’s admitted it)
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