Coping with Ex having large circle of friends

mangounicorns · 2021-09-28T03:11:32+00:00

That’s a normal feeling to have!

What has helped me is to remember what I’ve learned from FDS, and that’s to be a high value woman with high value relationships (romantic or otherwise).

Quantity ≠ quality. Your ex having a large group of friends doesn’t mean that they are necessarily of high quality. Birds of a feather flock together. Low value energy attracts other kinds of low value energy. His friends are likely not of high value.

Also something else I tried to remind myself from my breakup with my narcissistic ex: it looks so good from an outside perspective. But when you remind yourself of what it was like on the inside, you realize whatever you’re seeing now are just the highlights.

It can get lonely pursuing a high value life with other high value people. And that’s okay. But there are also ways to find other high value people (when you’re ready).

blueboobs- · 2021-09-28T09:55:31+00:00

I’ve learned the hard way that your boyfriends friends are not your friends. They came with him they will leave with him. To this day I refuse to get too close to people I’ve know for years because they are my partners friends. I enjoy them they’re nice and all but I know what the deal is. I am actively working on cultivating my own circle of hand selected women I invest in. I’m going to start a profile on bumble BFF and hope I find the right women on there to connect with..

dancedancedance7 · 2021-09-28T04:26:14+00:00

LVX clump together, chances are they all suck. Otherwise, really pernicious LV act wonderfully in front of people that aren't as close with them as a partner, so those friends could have no idea.

Most important thing is stop comparing yourself to your exes. They're done. If you want a boisterous social life, go make it happen.

Huntscunt · 2021-09-28T12:01:58+00:00

I have found that if you are HV, often your close friends will be long distance. Why?

1) HV ppl tend to prioritize leveling up, which often means moving for education/career opportunities or moving to prioritize family/caretaking.

2) Because your friendships are close and meaningful and you know how to be a good friend, you desire to and are able to maintain friendships long distance. If someone means something to you, you put in the effort.

3) HV ppl believe in quality over quantity, so when you find someone who makes your life better, you want to keep them in it.

My two best friends and I live basically as far apart as you can get in my country, yet we call/zoom/visit quite often.

If you feel lonely, call or zoom with one of your friends! Just because you aren't in person doesn't mean you're not hanging out.

NinjaCynic · 2021-09-28T08:52:57+00:00

Doesn't sound like a big loss. If they stay friends with NVX, they probably aren't HV themselves.

Try to reframe your thoughts. Are you alone? Or are you FREE to do whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want for whatever reason you want?

hensbanex · 2021-09-28T12:40:37+00:00

I feel this a lot myself, both with exes and lost friends. However I try to remember how draining and exhausting and unhealthy the group dynamic was and suddenly I’m not so lonely anymore, and am grateful for the few friends I have instead of a long list of people who I have to pretend and put on a face for.

katiekat0214 · 2021-09-28T19:11:30+00:00

When I divorced my first husband, I absolutely left him and his group of friends, and felt absolutely no loss. I knew I was going to move to Los Angeles, and I knew he was going to stay in my college town, so it all worked out.

When I was widowed, late summer 2016, things worked out a bit differently. As Jack was in his final months that summer, I stayed home a lot, and read a lot, as he moved beyond words, going deep within and doing death work. So many of the books I read about becoming a widow emphasized that death brings out the weird; expect that some people that you won't expect will step up and surprise you; also expect that some people who've always been there will not be able to be. One phrase I learned was the concept of the "friendship tree", and that becoming a widow will mean that some people will fall out of your friendship tree, and they won't be the "good apples" you expect.

Sure enough, one woman online from Facebook said, oh I just can't deal with your being a widow also. She kind of spoke out of both sides of her mouth, and I realized what was going on was she had not at all dealt well with her grief, going on several years. She unfriended and blocked me. Whatever, moving on. Because Jack had declined for years beforehand, and had had several episodes of going to the ER, getting stents put in, having a minor heart attack, I knew he wasn't going to be around forever. That anticipatory grief shortened the actual grief by months, even years. I began moving on immediately.

What stung more, though, were two close friends of Jack's, who became my friends, but who were primarily his friends. They didn't drop me; one couple I'm still friends with on Facebook, but... after we got the final diagnosis (pancreatic cancer, so Jack and I had six months to wrap up his affairs), he just couldn't talk to them, since they required a lot of emotional labor and listening. He very gently cut them off, and I know that must have stung them. I understood, with regret, why we just weren't close after that... although the couple came by on the day Jack died, comforted me, and paid their respects to Jack's remains before he was taken away by the coroner. Such a bittersweet reunion.

So much depends on where you are in your life. Teens, 20something, 30something, you can make friends a lot easier, being in school, in work. Older than that, it takes a lot more energy, a lot more intention to make new friends and create community, as I'm finding, having moved back to Louisiana from Los Angeles, being older, being widowed, not working at the moment. Time will tell. I'm happy to have family, a few friends from here, one guy I see movies with on a pretty regular basis, another friend in my small hometown who I see a couple of times a year, when she can dig herself out from grading. I do want more friends, so time will tell. It's a process.

junesunflower · 2021-09-29T03:50:45+00:00

It just takes time to build! Start reaching out and hanging out with people. I was you about four months ago, and now I’m at the point where I was hanging out with people regularly enough they contact me first a lot of the time! Lay the foundation for a great friend group now. Introduce friends to each other. You got this!

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