Dear Mods

ino_y · 2019-12-03T12:55:25+00:00

Personally I've only flaired Pickme for comments quite clearly displaying pride at catering to men, or encouraging others to forgive, excuse, and accept bs. If someone's made it clear they've read none of the sidebar, the rules, ideology and recommended reading, and ask a silly question regarding the best way to continue their pickme dance.

I'm the biggest pickme of all, and I need to knock that shit off too.

I'm well aware it's complex-ptsd, codependence and fawning. And cultural, societal, media and patriarchal messages. And many rounds of abusive boyfriends. I've never flaired pickme for abuse.

I changed the flair to "New" and left a message for the other mods.

I believe the changes in flair are due to noticeable contributions of solid content, not judgements of a commenter's value.

CoolMelonade · 2019-12-03T15:57:13+00:00

Generally the “PickMeisha” and “Pick Me Probation” is assigned based on questionable comments and interactions with other users, multiple reports, low quality content, or arguing with mods. Everybody is in different stages of development, and we’d like to differentiate the users you probably shouldn’t listen to for advice because it’s consistently terrible or low quality from the ones who have solid consistent and extensive quality content (FDS Strategy coach).

It’s also a way for mods to track users in case we suspect them of being trolls.

Ruthless Strategist is a Mod-only Flair.
FDS Newbie is the flair everyone new gets assigned by default until they differentiate themselves.
FDS Apprentice - is someone newish and is in the process of leveling up/working on themselves or inconsistent comments.
FDS Disciple - consistent quality comments, 1 or 2 trending posts or highly upvoted posts.
FDS Strategy Coach - multiple top rated top quality posts, consistently high quality highly upvoted comments, gives solid advice.

That being said it’s not an exact science and is based on all the individual mods’ judgement. We have to flair dozens of new users a day in order to give them commenting access so mistakes will be made. Just continue commenting as normal and we’ll adjust it over time. If you’re hell bent on changing your flair, from “Newbie” or “PickMeisha” then message the mods and we’ll review for content. All other flairs will be assigned solely at our discretion.

ETA: Locking this thread because it’s more of a personal grievance than discussion at this point.

carobonara · 2019-12-03T13:00:43+00:00

I am Very fresh to this sub, and relatively fresh to the concept of Reddit overall - please take my following opinion with a lot of love and the understanding that I know Nothing in the grand scheme of things!

I see the flairs, ranging from (correct me if I’m wrong) “PICK ME PROBATION” to “Ruthless Strategist”, as indicative of a yardstick to which we can measure that user’s frame of reference when commenting/posting, as judged by the mods who run the FDS sub.

What I mean is that when someone who’s been placed on “PICK ME PROBATION” advises “give him a chance! don’t block him yet!” maybe... that might not be the most prudent Female Dating Strategy advice to follow? Whereas if you’re asking about red flags and someone who’s been labelled a “Ruthless Strategist” says you’re overreacting, you might just be overreacting?

To me, it seems more about labels of experience than degradation and alienation. It’s more to alert other users seeking advice about how closely a commenter follows the principles of this sub, rather than to antagonise an individual on “PICK ME PROBATION”.

I hope this makes sense! ☺️

womanofthenorth · 2019-12-03T15:48:45+00:00

The pick me flair is given to users who exhibit excessive male sympathizing, or users who are advocating for porn, bdsm, etc. We don’t tolerate those in this sub, and thus the flair exists to make other users aware that the advice they are receiving may not be entirely in line with the ethos of the subreddit. It has nothing to do with value, class, abusive relationships, or anything like that.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 2019-12-03T12:21:21+00:00

There's no shortage of people to post comments pointing out that the op is doing the pick me dance. Flair like "newbie" is helpful because it indicates that they're new and need guidance. "Probation" has connotations with punitive measures.

CuriousCatNYC777 · 2019-12-03T13:09:44+00:00

THANK YOU!! Agree!

bluewarri0r · 2019-12-03T12:08:02+00:00

I think I agree with OP. Let's just understand that not everyone is on the same path and let's be real, neither is it realistic for everyone to be. FDS is a journey and what the mods (I believe) want is for more women to know what we truly deserve and how to get it. Perhaps if more tact was exercised it would be easier to get the message out to more women instead of alienating them. I for one am 100% behind the main message of FDS :)

CuriousPerformance · 2019-12-03T14:37:28+00:00

Hear, hear.

Shaming is always wrong and always counterproductive. Kindness is important.

One of the basic reasons why men are so shitty is that they emphasize hierarchy and shaming and have pissing contests over which of them is "more valuable." Trying to emulate that is, to use an outdated psychology term, identification with the aggressor. We don't want to become the same as those who have abused us.

I say we make this a space where we cultivate high value traits within all of us and learn to let go of our pick me mindset. And we respect, uplift, and support each other on our way to this rather than shame, label, or preen.

I would love a labeling system that drops any mention of probation and does not level people publicly as "pick me"s because that's shaming. "Newbie" is fine. "Ruthless Strategist" is great. Shaming is not.

soxychamp · 2019-12-03T12:39:55+00:00

Amen OP! I absolutely hate how there’s this completely unnecessary hierarchy of high value-low value women in this sub. And these self proclaimed “high value” FDS women like to assert their superiority over these other women, and hence are more suitable for “high value men.” Barf.

(Never mind the classism and other types of isms and prejudice involved in judging a somebody as “low value”..)

They don’t realize this actually is throwing these other women under the bus, and undermines women as a group.

Call yourself queens, but do queens really have to put down other women for any reason?

I haven’t seen this situation in other women-empowering subs like pinkpill or gender critical. Only here. And it’s eerily reminiscent of RPW who like to posture themselves as better than non RPW or feminists.

a-net_ · 2019-12-03T14:28:17+00:00

Well the pick me probation has to be earned (in essence like any of the other, better labels here) and any newbie shouldn't be given this label within the first post.

AutoModerator · 2019-12-03T12:01:08+00:00

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plutunic · 2019-12-03T13:57:08+00:00

shaming tactics are useful though?

if the subreddit has a certain tone and expectations for beliefs and behavior, can you think of a better model to reinforce this that doesn't include members calling out new users?

Title	Dear Mods
Author	CSQUITO
Upvotes	26
Comments	44
Date	December 3, 2019 12:01 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/e5g547/dear_mods/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dear-mods.687585 https://theredarchive.com/post/687585

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