Does anyone else have a pickme mom?

SarcasmSlide · 2020-02-03T17:25:14+00:00

Hi, me too. I strive everyday to not be like her. My entire childhood I dealt with her pickme bullshit. Men coming and going, treating her like shit, putting up with not one, not two, but THREE marriages to LVM because she didn't want to be alone. Even to this day at almost 60 years old she is a pickme. I'm about to be 28 and I REFUSE to be miserable like her. I probably sound salty af but when your entire childhood revolves around her LVM, you become a little bitter. I remember when I was 12, I was on a volleyball team and we were fucking good. Like best in my town good. We ended up going to the state championship and taking 3rd in the state. Was my mom there? Hell no. She went on a vacation (that she paid 100% for) with her LVM boyfriend at the time.

My only advice is what I practice every day. I stand in front of a mirror and tell myself "I am better than her. I am better than that. I will NEVER be like that. I will not settle. I am better." Oh and following FDS.

This is actually my first post here after months of lurking. Reading FDS has helped my confidence more than anything else. Therapy has helped too but something about reading what other women have experienced that's so similar to me is invigorating. So proud and happy to be part of this.

Parking-Act · 2020-02-03T17:23:25+00:00

I've learned very very recently to just nod and listen when my mom displays her pick me and or low self esteem projections on to me. Im sometimes get frustrated and react in an annoyed manner or try to firmly disagree but it always leads nowhere with her.

She says a lot about "men being men" aka cheaters, liars, lazy, arrogant, disrespectful and talks like it's default and should be expected of women to work through these things with men.

It's exhausting and had caused me to internalize a lot of what she said by being a former pick me and a disney love and struggle love type of woman.

So, I'm just sticking to my thoughts, ideologies, morals and standards silently.

redbirdflies · 2020-02-03T20:48:44+00:00

Women who have pickmeisha moms probably need FDS more than anyone. No one taught us these skills. Most of us inherited our codependency from our mothers.

ThicThighzSavesLivez · 2020-02-03T17:56:19+00:00

Yes my mom puts the onus on the woman. So yes, men have no moral compass, “but woman do, and that’s where we have to lead” by example and blah blah. In other words, put up with their behavior but find a fake way to pretend like you’re better. She’s also guilty of “he’s not that bad” when it comes to my mate choice. She was in an unhappy marriage until my dad died, and still uses him as an excuse for avoiding self care. I just try to be gracious with her. She did push me out her vagina after all.

2020-02-03T19:24:38+00:00

I stopped asking my mom for advice when I realized I don't want my life to turn out like hers.

Snugglyy · 2020-02-03T18:17:29+00:00

My mom has strong HVW values, but in practice? Fucking horrendous, she is a very bitter pickmeisha who stayed dedicated to engaging my dad after the divorce for over 20 years now.

If she knew what a level up was and how to live by one, she would of been a queen and had it all.

EndOfIdpol · 2020-02-03T17:58:56+00:00

I barely talk to my mom because of her abusive relationship. She's so caught up in a stupid, lazy, fat, abusive man that leaves it 100% up to her to clean the house and take care of the kids despite them both working because she's has this weird allusion that she deserves it and this is what men should be like.

I always do the exact opposite when she gives me dating advice because I don't want to end up in her living hell

EmergencyShit · 2020-02-03T17:25:36+00:00

I don't take advice from her. I understand it comes from a good place and she gives advice in a way that makes sense to her, but I also realize she doesn't have the healthiest outlook on relationships or men. She's set me up with a LVM before. Because he was older and made good money. So to her that meant I'd be set being with him. But he didn't value me as an individual, wanted different things than I did ( like KIDS which I have no desire for) and had no clue what he wanted outside of that.

After I officially broke it off with him for good, and she kept caping for him and hoping we'd get back together I realized she isn't the one to matchmake nor give relationship advice. I thought about it and realized there was a pattern there of encouraging kinda unhealthy behavior or putting up with it for the sake of me finding a financially stable man (standing alone that isn't bad but expecting me to 'compromise' constantly or be treated patronizing is fucking terrible).

I'm not bitter or angry. I just had to accept she doesn't have a good compass for a happy relationship for sure. I don't ask advice. I use my own judgement and move forward

fwe23rrs · 2020-02-03T18:51:03+00:00

Yes. She had kids by 2 LVM that made the choice not to be in their children’s lives in any capacity. Then she spent 14 years with a man that was a dark cloud on my family and refused to marry her (one day he went out and got another woman pregnant, and that was the end of it. I do not think my mom would have left otherwise). Right now she is supporting and housing a drug addict.

As an adult I can say that I love her and I try to sympathize because I know this stems from low self esteem and a bad childhood.. but her choices in men really fucked me up when I was younger, and definitely created distance between us. I had so much resentment that I had to go to therapy for. She tried putting me on meds to cure my depression but once I moved away to college and got some distance, I was like a whole new person.

She is the reason I take this so seriously. The man I choose to marry and have kids with is probably the biggest decision I will make in my life, because it will not only affect my quality of life but also my children’s. I refuse to follow her pattern of behavior.

suaveagave · 2020-02-03T21:04:27+00:00

I wouldn’t say my mom is a pick me, but her lack of confidence and defeatist attitude led her to the complacency that kept her in a terrible marriage rife with emotional, physical, and financial abuse. I can’t respect her or her advice because she didn’t make the right decisions for herself and her children when it was most crucial.

level_up_always · 2020-02-03T18:09:23+00:00

Yes. We've been no contact for a while now. It hurts. I was so mad for so long that she didn't divorce my father. I think I'm coming to more acceptance of that now but it still sucks that I was given such a shit example. But it also hurts because she was a victim of her circumstances as well. I like to think of it as breaking the generational curse.

im_not_a_dude · 2020-02-03T23:45:54+00:00

My mum kicked me out at 14 because her new husband kept grabbing my ass and winking at me. I confided in my nana how uncomfortable it made me and that was the last time I lived under the same roof as my mum. I really learnt from her. I have kids, their dad and I broke up about a year ago and no fucking way would I put a man before my kids

DunRuther · 2020-02-03T23:50:51+00:00

My mom taught me FDS values and I was too stupid to listen until recently, now that I’m in my 30s and have had two failed relationships (one was a marriage) with LVMs. She used to say that her mom (born in the 1930s) always told her to marry a guy who loves you more than you love him. She also told me to never marry a guy who you have to beg and plead to get up and go to work/take care of the family.

She’s still married to my dad, who is a great guy who when he married my mom took her daughter (my older half sister) in like she was his own. That’s why I have a hard time trying to understand why I let LVMs use and abuse me the way they did—I had the best role models growing up yet I ended up being a pickmeisha to LVMs.

even_thriller · 2020-02-04T16:35:33+00:00

I definitely do. My parents divorced when I was 2 so I don't remember them ever being together but my mom always put her LVM husbands and boyfriends above me and my siblings. She eventually kicked me out when I was teenager and sent me to live with my father because her newest BF at the time didn't like me and thought I was a brat, lol. Even now that I've moved back in with her while I'm going back to university and doing ROTC she's still talking to this guy who is in and out of rehab constantly and its clear he only wants her for her money but she tells me "She can't help who she loves."

I tell myself not to be like her at all and don't even really ask her for advice ever. She doesn't really know much about my dating life and I keep it that way. I know to do the entire opposite of my mother when it comes to my dating life. We've had a rocky relationship over the years bit I've learned to kind of tune her out and don't let my emotions with her get in the way of my relationship judgments.

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cantstopthemachine77 · 2020-02-04T09:13:32+00:00

Yup. She has definitely gotten way better since leaving my dad 17 years ago but she still takes care of a man child who just now finally got a job as a truck driver after her providing for the last 10 years and acts like she’s lucky to be able to do it because he’s a few years younger than her and she’s overweight, even though he is bigger and just as short as her too.

Title	Does anyone else have a pickme mom?
Author	BleuRaspbery
Upvotes	88
Comments	22
Date	February 3, 2020 5:11 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/eya93t/does_anyone_else_have_a_pickme_mom/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/does-anyone-else-have-a-pickme-mom.683374 https://theredarchive.com/post/683374

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