Double standard? Forgiving ourselves for low value moments vs.tolerating friends low value actions.

EclecticBarbarella · 2021-05-21T14:05:59+00:00

For me, the subtle hating and the judging would be a dealbreaker. That isn’t just LV decisions for themselves and their relationship, that’s active animosity toward you. I have a friend who’s currently going through some shit with her husband that I consider LV, I strongly disagree with her choice to stay with him but that’s her life, and she’s not doing anything morally wrong that to me speaks to her character (letting herself or her child get beaten or abused or anything like that). But she’s still a good friend to me, she respects my decisions and beliefs when it comes to my life and my dating choices and wants me to succeed, etc. and she’s still a supportive friend. If she was actively trying to tear me down, I’d drop her in a hot minute like I did with my last pickme friend. I tried to be a good friend and I enjoyed spending time with her but her actions were starting to be detrimental to me not just her own life. There’s a difference to me between a friend who is a pickme in her own life and a friend who is a LV friend to me overall and is a negative vibe (“good vibes only” as the OLD LVMs say lol)

millennialpink2000 · 2021-05-21T14:15:45+00:00

This is a tightrope I tried to walk many times, but I found it eventually became untenable. The resentment on their part grew so much. These types of friends take your growth as a personal attack on them, no matter what. Then they'll subtly (then less so) begin to tear you down with shitty little comments and negs. In my experience it's just a slow burn until a clean break because these people no longer fit your life. No one is a bad person, you've just outgrown them

lapoesia · 2021-05-21T15:05:40+00:00

I don’t balance per-se, I weigh up whether the connection makes me feel good most of the time, or if it makes me feel bad most of the time. If it feels more bad than good - it’s time to reevaluate maintaining the connection.

People often feel obligated to maintain friendships long after they stop finding value in them. I did too, until one day I was telling my therapist how I dreaded catching up with one particular close friend because she always found subtle ways to put me down and I always felt crappy after I saw her. My therapist said: “you do realise you have a choice here, right? And currently you’re choosing to continue to spend time with her.”

For some reason this was 🤯 to me. And so now I check in with myself before, during and after seeing friends. If I don’t feel nourished by the relationship in the long term, or if I experience ‘dread’, it’s time to take a step back.

I have taken a deliberate step away from the aforementioned friendship and it’s really scary to do so - I have moments where I feel guilty, or question if I’m doing the right thing - but it also feels really empowering to not give energy to relationships that don’t feel good out of a sense of obligation.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-05-21T16:08:43+00:00

Being non-judgmental isn't a worthwhile value.

Having good judgment is a worthwhile value.

Judgment teaches us who we want to be and who we want to be around, what our boundaries are, what we find acceptable. Judgment keeps us safe and healthy. It is valuable.

You are almost 40 and your friends just want to drink in their free time? No. There are healthier people out there who want to engage in fitness activities or get out on nature or do other more valuable things with their time than just get drunk. Find those people.

Part of growth is always going to be leaving behind old friends and people that don't bring value to your life anymore, that you just don't fit with anymore. It doesn't make you a bad person. You're allowed to grow.

Jai_Kali · 2021-05-21T14:25:41+00:00

There's a saying that you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. Even if you don't believe in that, curating your social circle is crucial to levelling up, whether that be by finding new friends, setting firmer boundaries or cutting people out. A lot of people will see you changing and try to sabotage it, consciously or not. I don't think it's hypocritical to want to distance yourself from behaviours that aren't aligned with your goals and values. You can judge that what people are doing is not beneficial to you without judging them to be bad people. If you feel like you're being too judgemental, try to separate the people themselves (who are also kind, have great careers etc.) from the behaviours that are low value to you and direct your judgement at the latter.

My own problem is rather that I invest too much emotional energy into trying to support and help people when I should probably be more judgemental to protect my own wellbeing and growth. 😅

Crafty_Collar8183 · 2021-05-21T15:57:04+00:00

I think you should choose your friends based on how you feel when you're with them. You should be able to be honest with them and they are honest with you, if not, then it's okay to drop them and move on.

lskfjd743 · 2021-05-21T15:42:41+00:00

I think the issue is whether there is self-growth after each pickme incident. Are your friends learning from their pickme mistakes or are they just repeating them over again with different men and expect you to be their punching bag/free therapist?

Blockierenundloschen · 2021-05-21T14:31:20+00:00

You can be my friend! :) your post spoke to me. I'm 35 this year and I'm already done with going out just for trendy shit. I am also wanting to connect with myself more deeply and embrace spiritual practices and be out in nature in my free time. Also I want a regular sleep schedule and going out drinking messes with that big time.

MACMUA · 2021-05-21T14:03:57+00:00

If they are in the phase where they are trying to better themselves......

They need to be alone in that journey. Entertaining a person while in this phase is only inviting the bull shit I your life. He’s not my son and I don’t need to support him while he’s on this self growth journey.

Just like it says in the handbook to work on ourselves and our career before dating a man...this is no different

Let their family have him.. keep it moving sis 💯💯💯💯

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-05-21T19:20:42+00:00

I was going to make a post about an ex friend last week and after reading this post, I think I will.

If your “friends” are subtle haters, as you put it, then they’re not your friends. That’s it. That’s the reality. It sounds like they’re not leveling up at all.

I dropped a similar friend like that. And by dropped I mean that I stopped reaching out first and realized that she never reached out. Our friendship fizzled out and I’m glad that now I can channel my energy into other friendships and relationships in my life. We still run into each other from time to time, and every time it’s a true wake up call of how people can exist in our communities but still be judgemental, jealous, petty, etc. Every time it throws me back to the past when I was like that.

I now have friends that add value to my life, and I add value to theirs.

the-lonely-spirit · 2021-05-21T18:31:29+00:00

Oof. I feel kinda small seeing your transformation and kickassery. You deserve a praise and a toast of seltzer or something. Maybe some hiking partners? I totally get hating bars. It’s so scary to me being in bars because it’s loud and everyone is obnoxious. Doesn’t anyone ever drink at home? You do you sis! And by the looks of it you’re doing great!

AdmiralRando · 2021-05-22T12:21:04+00:00

I’ve been able to change the script a bit in my own friendships just by changing how I ask things. For example, instead of asking, “are you dating anyone new lately?”, I ask “have you dumped anyone lately? I love a good breakup story!”

Reframing the way we speak about romantic relationships in this way helps because a break-up is no longer a failure, or a terrible grief. It’s just one more lesson learned on the way to leveling up.

I had a young newly-married friend tell me that her husband was upset with her because she neglected to wake him up for work that morning. My response was probably heard in the next state over, “fuck that! He’s a grown-ass man.”

She later told me that she DID stop being his alarm clock.

We, as women, have a lot of influence on each other. We were warned against “peer pressure” in high school, but it can be a wonderful thing, too. Defend your sisters. Most of us were raised to see the outrageous behavior of men as normal. Show them that it ain’t fucking right.

And if your friends want to continue putting up with stupid bullshit, that’s their business. Just slow-fade out of the friendship. You can’t save people from themselves.

Title	Double standard? Forgiving ourselves for low value moments vs.tolerating friends low value actions.
Author	laffytaggy
Upvotes	122
Comments	21
Date	May 21, 2021 1:55 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/nht483/double_standard_forgiving_ourselves_for_low_value/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/double-standard-forgiving-ourselves-for-low-value.753578 https://theredarchive.com/post/753578

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