Feel like a hypocrite sometimes ...

RiteWriter · 2020-08-12T18:30:44+00:00

I understand this and have felt this while in another smaller version of the same damn thing, like peeling a stanky onion.... but detox properties haha.

We hope she wakes. We want to be that small still part of her that wakes. We cry for her and with her—we are those emotions in her that she ignores; and we feel ignored too. Still, we cry. We rally and rage.

sexualfoodpantry · 2020-08-12T18:42:22+00:00

It happens here, too. And the response is unanimously "YES LEAVE, YOU SILLY WOMAN. WHY IS THIS A QUESTION?!?!" because duh, we've practically all been there and just hate to see another woman waste her time the same way we did.

But those women aren't there yet, just like we weren't. So of course they are shocked, they feel attacked, delete their story and go back to lurking.

And it's so sad every time I see one of those deleted posts because I know this woman might need another XX years of suffering before she finally sees the light.

And that's pretty much how many of us end up spending our youth.

2020-08-12T19:17:39+00:00

[deleted]

veruscka · 2020-08-12T19:11:37+00:00

I share your weird ass feelings. I try to remind myself that people in abusive relationships almost never realize it’s abusive right away, and at least by airing their grievances online they can start the process of separating from the person whose been manipulating them.

Pasdepromesses · 2020-08-12T19:28:15+00:00

Both my sister and I have been in an abusive relationship. While I gtfo real quick, she stayed quite a while. I don’t know why.

I kept picking N/LVM afterwards tho, because I didn’t recognise it when they came in a HV wrapper.

When I see posts like this, I’m always worried that these women, once they do leave, end up in the same situation with a different guy.

sstena · 2020-08-12T20:35:56+00:00

I think this is a phase. Anger at them and yourself is the first defense many of us find. The anger yanks us away from repeating the same mistakes.

If we keep progressing the anger subsides and gives way to a more neutral understanding of the situations. You will also experience despair for them, deep compassion, pain.

You may feel hypocritical but it is all part of the journey. Don't be too harsh on yourself and you will naturally be less harsh on others.

indaazz1 · 2020-08-12T18:37:41+00:00

Years ago I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for 1 year and all throughout it I experienced the same mind-numbing inability to leave.

I also feel frustrated when I see women in obviously awful situations, especially when they keep repeating stuff like “he’s perfect in every way but cheated on me 26 times, should I communicate more???”.

The difference however is that I was only a teenager (15 turning 16) when I went through abuse and I never opened up to anyone about it at the time or asked for help, as I was too ashamed to let people know what the asshole was doing to me.

This is mostly why I feel so frustrated with women who make this sort of posts, as most of them are much older than I was and clearly aware of the state they are in, since they are asking on Reddit of all places.

I’m personally a big believer of the “tough love” kind of approach, as it tends to be a very straight to the point wake up call and I wish someone would have opened my eyes like that when I was in denial and wouldn’t get myself to a better place.

CroneRaisedMaiden · 2020-08-12T22:45:50+00:00

I heard this before about like judgement and guilt and stuff: “The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think; what you think next defines who you are."

sarahbae03 · 2020-08-13T01:38:35+00:00

Yes 100%. I sacrificed 11 years of my life, my youth! to a toxic piece of garbage. NegVM as in he took everything from me rather than just leaving it at the baseline. I see, read and listen to woman going through similar abuses and all I ever say to them is it will never get better, dont waste any more of your life. I want to explain to them, encourage them, warn them but as I lived through it I know it wont do anything but scare them away from me. They need to come to it in their own time. It's so so difficult.

2020-08-12T20:07:28+00:00

Sometimes you can’t see the reality until you’re out of it :(

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-08-13T00:33:10+00:00

Way back when, years before FDS, I would read these extreme scenarios of abuse on that subreddit and wonder how those women could stay for years in those situations. Not where there was physical violence,, but where they were negged, compared to p*rnstars, told they weren't as imporant as their boyfriends' "platonic" female friends, etc. Death by 1000 cuts. A part of me wondered if maybe my shit tolerance was too low for "how men really are" and maybe I was too picky 😬 (because I dated such men for months instead of years like these girls writing on Reddit). I wondered how/if I could deeply love a man, any man, if all these other girls could still be "in love" with these men who treated them so poorly.

Thankfully, even before FDS, I then realized these women in the shit relationships weren't really "in love." They were dying inside like how I would feel. But they were in the sunk cost fallacy or staying out of fear or a false sense of obligation (like a mother to a child). The state of our world is abysmal.

Teenie34 · 2020-08-13T05:33:01+00:00

Same situation but back then, I told no one about the abuse i suffered and the internet wasn’t really a big thing yet. I’d been so severely gaslighted that I thought it was me. You know, with my not being perfect-looking enough or servile enough, or smart enough. If I had had just one objective person in my corner telling back then me it was bullshit and I wasn’t some loser who deserved this treatment and I could do better, it would’ve made a world of difference. Probably not instantly, but in my own time. For that reason, I will always point out when someone is being lied to, disrespected, and being told they deserve it just in case today’s the day they decide to leave. Always.

DrippingWetPeach · 2020-08-13T01:28:12+00:00

If you want to know how to help her, I think Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft has a section on what to do. I don't remember what it was exactly, but that book is a must-read anyway.

Summerisle7 · 2020-08-12T20:31:27+00:00

I agree we do have to make a conscious effort to keep our blame and anger where it belongs - on the abusive person, not on the victim who's writing in. We are all raised and conditioned to sympathize with the man and be very critical of the woman. It's very very frustrating to see these situations where the woman is so stuck and being her own worst enemy. I've been in an abusive marriage as well and I like to think that if I'd reached out anonymously and shared online what was happening, maybe someone would have given me tough love and maybe I would have taken the advice. But really it doesn't happen until the person is ready and that can take years. Reading about male abusers and what is known about the dynamic, can be very instructive. Also it's important to really listen to what the victim is saying and understand the details of her situation. Telling her to "just leave" when you don't know if she has anywhere to go, or has any money, or is trying not to lose her job. Telling her to call the police, then it turns out her husband is the police. Online there's really not much we can do other than to express sympathy, tell her she doesn't deserve this, maybe suggest some community resources. I think if someone we know discloses abuse to us in real life, we have a larger responsibility to offer real, concrete help. Like a place to stay, a place to store clothes and documents, the offer of rides. It takes most abused women multiple failed attempts before finally leaving the relationship for good, and usually they don't do it on their own, they need help from others.

KetoKittenAround · 2020-08-13T01:52:04+00:00

You are not a hypocrite if you are just wanting to help someone. Especially if you acknowledge your own shortcomings.

Title	Feel like a hypocrite sometimes ...
Author	Fatt3stAveng3r
Upvotes	100
Comments	21
Date	August 12, 2020 6:28 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i8j6gv/feel_like_a_hypocrite_sometimes/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/feel-like-a-hypocrite-sometimes.54822 https://theredarchive.com/post/54822

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