Three years of gaslighting, manipulating, lies, and trauma bonding with a 36M borderline personality all ended last week, and even though he's gone, my (29F) world is still reeling from the chaos.

Ultimately, after a series of fights and intentionally hurting each other, I told him I was done for good this time. He immediately changed tactics and was trying to swoop back in with love bombs and promises of change... and then he caught me changing the locks, and started stalking my house. When I came home to a broken living room window, I had to get the police and company HR involved (yes, he's a coworker) and set up security cameras around my house.

I'm going to counseling and getting help. My family and closest friends now know what I've had to keep secret for months. But just coming out of his forced isolation is screwing with my brain and I feel constant anxiety with my newfound "freedom" from his control and obsession. I'm scared the other shoe is going to drop and this isn't the end... because if he's willing to punch through my double-paned window, there's no telling what else he'd resort to in order to terrorize and intimidate me, or when.

But what I'm more scared of is the damage I feel. I blew by every red flag, then shot down every flashing red sign, and then bulldozed through every red brick wall. I'm scared that next time it'll just be new name, new face, same trauma and bullshit. I don't understand how my sister or my friends have loving, supportive, selfless relationships and marriages, because I don't know that I believe that truly exists anymore.

I feel broken. I abandoned all of my values and boundaries for this guy, repeatedly. And even worse, when I was getting so tired of the abuse, I'd lash back out at him and behave the same way he was treating me, because if he could act that way and get away with it, then I should to... except I didn't get away with it. I was made to suffer and grovel and beg for forgiveness.

I've done all I can to get rid of him... he's blocked on every platform he could attempt to reach me on (and he tried; even commented on my automatic MyFitnessPal diet log, accusing me of lying and making everything up). And like I said previously, I've done all I can to document and report situation to the authorities short of getting a restraining order (because in my state, it's virtually a waste of time and money).

Now I'm in recovery, and I feel lost... damaged. Broken. Betrayed. Lonely. Angry. Guilty.

Little bit of dark humor, though... I couldn't figure out how to block or remove him on Spotify. So I figured, might as well make him a playlist titled "Shout Out to My Ex" with all of my favorite and notably relatable breakup anthems. He unfollowed me the next day.

I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice, or if I'm just venting into the internet, or if I'm just looking for someone to say "me, too."