Having a really bad few weeks in November

millions_ofpeachs4me · 2021-11-13T21:04:30+00:00

$200 for a little self care is money well spent.

As another commenter said, you don’t know the reality of the relationships around you. Most of my friends are partnered and I can think of only two with strong, solid, happy relationships. Maybe that’s cynical and maybe I’m too judgmental. Maybe your friends are all in amazing relationships and you haven’t had luck in that department yet. Don’t be hard on yourself and continue to live life and vet ruthlessly.

(Anecdotes since I can’t help myself: best friend desperately wants to get engaged to a guy with a drinking problem so severe he has multiple DUIs and a history of embarrassing both of them at major events; guy friend is in a messy relationship with a manic, dramatic woman who has threatened suicide when he tried to leave; stunning, successful friend supports deadbeat dad in a lavish lifestyle; other best friend is married to a dead bedroom husband who resents her and she is now having multiple affairs. Girl. Why be single when you can be disappointed.)

AlegalHuman · 2021-11-13T23:58:24+00:00

Ok, so hear me out. By definition, women willing to wait / churn through LVM quickly to leave room to find a high-quality partnership are going to “strike out” a lot and be lonely a lot of the time. By. Definition.

It took what felt like f o r e v e r for me to get the hang of vetting/leaving LVM early. As shitty as it sometimes felt to be the single one, the one with a bad relationship experience, etc. I finally realized the REASON I was single a lot and the REASON I was disappointed a lot was because I was being honest about the quality of men I was encountering and what my standards were. A lot of my female friends just sort of thought their guys were good partners because those friends either 1) weren’t seeing what I would have seen in their shoes or 2) were seeing it but not being honest to themselves or others about how bad it was. So while I felt pissed off or lonely a lot, I’m 1 of only 2 women in my last friend group (a large group of mid/late twenty somethings I met after grad school when I first moved to a big city) who is currently married at all, let alone to a HVM. Actually my biggest pickme friend whom I didn’t know at the time to recognize as a pickme just broke up for good with the loser guy she kept going back and forth with for SEVEN YEARS. YES, the same friend who tried to accuse me of being jealous of what she had with this scrote every time I pointed out I thought they should end it for good because he wasn’t such a great guy and she could do better . . .

Because the quantity of HVM is lower than the quantity of LVM out there, by definition you have to sort of try and quickly reject a bunch of losers while you’re figuring it out, and will be lonely in between.

And looking back, the only times I was truly unhappy were the times I didn’t break up fast enough with a meh or bad bf — though I certainly remember feeling loneliness as pain, my memories of the single time are freaking fantastic because I ended up learning so much, having so much fun just alone or with friends, etc.

Remember a good batting average is .3 - so 3 successes for every 10 swings. I reminded myself of that a lot to remember to keep my standards high. The nice thing is if you’re looking for a monogamous partner, you actually only need a score of .1 :-)

millennialpink2000 · 2021-11-13T20:22:10+00:00

The best suggestion I can offer for your situation is to make single friends. Surrounding yourself with women who are in a similar place as you will recalibrate your perception of normal. The majority of my friends are childfree and single, and it suits my life. I don't want to rearrange my dinner plans because your babysitter cancelled or hear about your loser husband who should have been dumped years ago. Seriously, it'll save your sanity

And I bet that ring looks gorgeous!! Good on you for dating yourself and treating yourself like your own best friend

dating-adventures · 2021-11-13T20:07:28+00:00

You don’t know the reality of their relationships. Here’s an anecdote. Recently someone in my social circle got back with her LVM ex after he dumped her. They’re getting married in a few months. At first I was jealous because she got her ex back, he came back to her, and they’re getting married - and my NVX didn’t do any of those things.

But recently I heard about the reality of their relationship. Let me put it this way: she’s not a happy bride-to-be and has serious doubts about him. His promises of “change” have been surface level. She’s going into a marriage that will unfortunately, I think, leave her miserable.

Edit: seeing how things are panning out with her gave me a crystal ball of sorts into what a potential future with NVX would have looked like, a man who was great on paper but had stunningly low empathy. I thought at first she is the lucky one for getting her ex back, but is she really?

I know how you feel, and it’s hard to not compare. But when I look at relationships like that woman’s, I think… I’d rather be alone than with an asshole.

asupernova91 · 2021-11-13T20:58:19+00:00

I just want to say one thing, don’t let your moms negativity make you feel bad. You bought that ring because you loved it, every time you wear it I hope you feel the joy that it brought you the first time you saw it and the joy of knowing you’re a financially stable woman who can get nice things for herself. I wear 3-4 rings daily and I’m single. Rings are beautiful pieces of jewelry, they are so elegant and stylish and have been worn in many cultures for thousands of years before humans even got the idea of wedding rings. So don’t, for a second, feel bad about it.

gigi_chi · 2021-11-13T21:13:42+00:00

I am sorry you feel this way and I hope you find comfort in knowing that I was in your space and things changed for me. I’m with a HVM now and I am over the moon.

But I remember being in your position. I cried a lot. Believe me when I say it will pass and you will get what you want. What helped me in that time was making single friends and going out a lot . It’s how I met my HVM.

Sending you hugs.

womaninprogressfor7 · 2021-11-13T20:46:45+00:00

Why is it wrong to "buy your own happiness?" Am I missing something? You have money, you wanted it, you bought it. Are you saying this feels like you bought a ring for yourself because no one else would?

And what is that 1950s garbage about owning no rings but a wedding band?? If you like jewelry, you are allowed to wear it. If you're concerned about scaring off legit suitors, wear it on a different finger.

Fantastic-Anybody295 · 2021-11-13T20:27:08+00:00

Women are made to feel like they have to be in a relationship to be happy. But this just isn't true. Divorce rates in the US are at 50%, with women initiating the majority of them.

Over 50% of married women feel unhappy enough with marrying to divorce. That's not an easy thing to do and there's a lot of lost years.

Of course I'm not tryna shit on marriage, I know loads of people who found the right person and are incredibly happy. But that's the thing though, you gotta find the right person.

Getting too in on yourself about it is gonna make you settle, like over 50% of women apparently did, I bet if you could ask any of them if they'd do it differently they would. You have the opportunity not to make the same mistakes they did.

You're young, you'll be fine, don't let yourself settle.

frenchroast67 · 2021-11-14T13:27:03+00:00

This is me right now. Lonely as hell and stressed out from grad school and job hunting. Haven’t been hugged in months, I live far away from family/friends so no one is there to comfort me. Life is a constant barrage of stress from every angle and the only way to relive it is things I can do alone, like exercise and my hobbies. Just no emotional comfort whatsoever.

It’s tempting to think that dating would help even if just by allowing you to talk openly to someone and cuddle and enjoy being with another human, but that’s an idealistic version of dating—in reality, most men are ugly and rude. HVM are so rare that the best thing to do is to just focus on the things that DO make you happy, like the ring!

Please just know that there are thousands of us who are going through the exact same thing. It’s normal to feel lonely in your situation. Just don’t let it keep you from living your life.

TrailRunWithPuppies · 2021-11-13T23:42:25+00:00

I am single and am not going to share my woes of that. I am just going to type a novel, because it is what I do.

I am going to share I was in grad school twice. I feel your pain. Literally.

I am sorry that you have felt sad. I can understand exactly what that must be like. I am guessing that it has been difficult to make new relationships during the pandemic, and depending on where you live, you were probably on Zoom and not in college, depending on what school or program you are in. I know nursing students who are doing things virtual for A and P classes, and that is shocking to me. Shocking.

Are you feeling extra loneliness from that? Have you been able to see family and friends safely? This is a hot political question, as some people think the pandemic is fake, engineered, control, a scam, and some of us who work in science are very cautious and distancing hard, not going to events at all.

You are not a failure. You are going at this alone, in grad school. What many people do not understand, is the sacrifices we make in grad school especially if it is a high science field or large workloads. You might feel like you are in this grey area. I have had classmates or clients say they feel not quite alive, not quite dead. Like they are in limbo, and those are things I have felt as well. our schedule is different than other people, and you think about life in semesters. Are you in the USA? Christmas break is coming up soon. Who thinks like that? Students do.

You might be able to catch up on sleep soon.

How long has it been since you hugged? Trust me, it does not make things less than on your part, to say so many of us are there. I think I was tempted last week to date under my requirements I have, and someone MUCH younger because I am not early 20s, and yet, those people chase me. Maybe they chase everything.

I do not know you, but I am with you, and I wonder if you have thought about the things I have stated above--that your life feels out of phase or synch with the people who just punch clocks and go home to their families. Do you feel alienated in this regard too?

You should buy the thing that makes you happy.

Know what I bought that I cannot believe I did? A puppy. English lab. And he is getting delivered right to my door. I also just bought a ring too. Could I afford it? I regretted it immediately. but I am going to love him just the same, and my ring.

I am glad you bought the ring. Mothers can seem to want to solve our problems and many of them, because of the era they were born in, did not have the luxury of self help books and the internet, or the time to even do such things to gain a different perspective. Some of us have, and some young people never will either. I am not defending her. In fact, your mom sounds like my mother who balked when I said I a getting a puppy saying "do you think now is the right time? I don't think you should." I said, "when would be the right time, 1950?"

I know what you may really need is a hug. Love, romance, and someone to snuggle. not even about sex, perhaps. True emotional intimacy and attunement. To be next to someone and connect, and to also feel--inspired. I am going to make a guess on this too--inspiration. Right now you cannot see a future other than the one that is not there, and I am not saying you should live there either. But your future is not set.

It is also normal to be depressed in college, as sucky as that sounds. Something like 75% of all students in medical school have marked depression, and I think at least half of them are on SSRI. School is hard and is awesome to learn things, but can get very lonely for reasons I stated above.

You are going to be done at some point. This is not forever. Do what you need to in order to get by. And do not use those cheap therapy services on campus where the therapists only know how to say, "I can understand how that will be rough for you, now what are you going to do for self care?" That is not therapy, that is something a basic human should say.

Hang in there.

Title	Having a really bad few weeks in November
Author	Junior-Lion7893
Upvotes	195
Comments	14
Date	November 13, 2021 7:58 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qt8u3a/having_a_really_bad_few_weeks_in_november/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/having-a-really-bad-few-weeks-in-november.1084263 https://theredarchive.com/post/1084263

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