How do we balance our integrity with society's expectations of appearances? How far should we go to improve how we look?

Namtara · 2020-04-20T22:32:13+00:00

Plugging /r/FemaleLevelUpStrategy (run by the same group of mods).

Levelling up is about becoming the person you want to be. If the reason you are looking into plastic surgery is other people, then you need to refocus your thinking first.

throwahweigh3521 · 2020-04-20T22:29:21+00:00

Improve your look to meet and exceed society’s expectations? To level up? Isn’t integrity about ethics and actions not appearance?

Boob jobs and cosmetic surgery are medical procedures that have consequences- not shaming but isn’t much of the demand created by shame ? By a crazy narrative that’s broadcast that one look is better and that buying that look will reward you with love, sex and other perks? That finally you’ll look in the mirror with satisfaction?

What you decide is truly personal and tied to deeply held ideas about beauty and presentation.

Many beauty care routines such as eating a good diet, skin care, exercise, stress reduction and sleep hygiene are essential to health. And fashion and style can be immensely satisfying expressions of self.

How far do you think you should go? Asking for ideological rubric to give yourself boundaries on a personal issue perhaps isn’t helpful in the long run. Integrity is your journey and more often that not society at large will pressure you to break your resolve.

Have you read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf? Or pink pill subreddit? Radfem hashtag blogs on tumblr? Anything by Andrea Dworkin?

There’s a huge catalog of ideas about that gendered performance of beauty that unpacks in a thoughtful way how the standards were created. Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein is a mainstream read into how beauty and romance are inculcated into young girls.

Figure out why big breast and Eurocentric beauty ideals are normalized and sold is like doing product research to not get ripped off. Knowing why it’s popular plus all the side effects is super helpful to figure out where you stand.

yngdmbfullofcrmbs · 2020-04-20T22:39:55+00:00

I think dressing well and taking care of yourself is a sign of respect not only to other people but yourself as well. It shows you’ve put energy and thought into what you’re doing and it’s on purpose. I would say avoid the slippery slope of “am I doing enough...” because there’s never going to be enough. If you are happy with your appearance and your dressing standards then you’re golden.

I personally spend a lot on skincare (it’s your largest organ and the only one everyone can see everyday). I mostly shop on sale for my clothes but I’ve developed a style and no one can tell I’m shopping on deep discount.

I spend money on eating well and working out to prolong my health. It’s important that I feel good because it magnifies everything else in your life.

Kindly_Strain · 2020-04-20T22:29:34+00:00

Look, I'm personally neither a conventionally attractive gal, nor am I currently fulfilling society's expectations regarding grooming. Little makeup (basic skincare I know this is bad but I have nice skin for now) and I have a "personal style" which some may call frumpy, others "unique". I can try really hard to stay in shape and primp and I sometimes do not. I have noticed that I attract the most LVM when I have had mental health and a bad attitude to life, even though I might groom more as a result of being pickmeisha, but if you want something real the levelling up goes way beyond the physical. Your outlook makes your whole face shine, the way you carry yourself changes and so on. If you need physical levelling up of some sort to help this feeling along go on, but any grooming or enhancement that comes from a POV of insecurity will look that way.

That's just how it is

UpbeatIncubator · 2020-04-20T22:41:07+00:00

I'd focus on healthy and happy first and foremost. This is a naturally attractive state, no matter what age you are, and it benefits you which is the main thing. So eat well, sleep well, exercise and have your basic hygiene down. This goes a long, long way and will be well enough for a great deal of HVM men.

I would get yourself to a place where you wear whatever makeup you want, but you aren't feeling less of a person if you need to go out without it to get some milk from the store. ALWAYS wear what you want (including makeup) because you want to, rather than you feel you owe it to others. Sometimes I'm in killer heels and red lipstick, other days I'm in sweatpants and oversized hoodies. It depends on my mood, but health wise I always take care of myself and expect my HVM to do likewise.

Of course your HVM may have preferences, but I think it's safe to say there's a level of mutual, sensible understanding -- you don't get out of control unhealthy, neither does he. Sometimes make an effort to look extra nice, but so should he. TBH, this varies so much on preference though. My big suggestion is to be yourself right from the start of dating so he knows what level of maintainence you are and what to be accustomed to.

If you are selfconscious about your skin, then by all means go to a dermatologist to get what treatment you need to improve its appearance -- again, this should be a preference, not a must. Having nice skin doesn't make you a better human being, but of course it will make you more physically attractive (no more or less than that). If this makes YOU feel better about yourself and you can afford the cost, then go for it

PERSONALLY, unless it is corrective or reconstructive, I'm not for cosmetic surgery. It's a slippery slope and all invasive surgeries carry risks. I think a fixation to that degree (happy to risk your healthy body) on your appearance isn't good. All sorts of shit is coming out about things like implants giving you cancer etc now... who knows what will pop up in the future. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Looks is part of the package of being a person, but it's only part of it. Remember that.

p.s a big thing all women need to do is to not put each other down for how we dress or how we look. I'd add this to your things to reflect on too.

thepastamancer · 2020-04-21T00:01:41+00:00

I go exactly as far as I feel like going. My appearance, my body, my style etc they are all for my own pleasure and self expression.

sadpourtoujours · 2020-04-21T00:16:49+00:00

You should do whatever you feel comfortable with. Don’t jump through hoops to look a certain way if you’re going to be miserable doing it. Yeah, appearance is going to influence the way you’re perceived and treated, but the majority of people live life as normal-looking people and get by fine.

Personally, I do go far for my appearance. I’m really feminine and go the extra mile. Makeup, skincare, fashion, nails, hair, exercise, etc. I also plan on getting cosmetic surgery. I do this for me, because it makes me feel good. I’m treated better, too, compared to when I didn’t try hard. I’ve cultivated my “inside” and want my “outside” to be very attractive too. However, that’s just how I feel about myself.

prowlings · 2020-04-21T00:55:31+00:00

I have struggled with this for most of my post-teenage life. I've been told all my life I have what you consider "natural beauty," so I didn't wear makeup for most of college. However, next to some of my friends who spent energy on more advanced makeup skills, I started to feel extremely plain. I just didn't "pop", if you will. I've since started to incorporate VERY basic makeup (not even routinely, as I am a grad student, but more for dates/going out). I still don't see it as worth it to spend more than 15 minutes on getting ready (I still don't know how to contour lmao). I don't spend much time accessorizing (I have a very minimalist wardrobe with mostly just 1 of each staple).

I have small boobs and have thought about a boob job but honestly would never go through with it unless medical technology improves to the point where the side effects are negligible.

The things I invest in: skincare, diet, exercise/workout classes.

I guess my point is that I invest as much energy as it takes in things that I know will better ME. But things that I do for the outside world (makeup, clothes, etc) - I do the bare minimum to feel confident. I just don't have the time to waste on anything more. And I've been happy with that so far. But who knows, maybe one day, I will learn to contour. :)

radical__daphne · 2020-04-21T00:04:48+00:00

Just do what you feel comfortable with and don't go overboard.

I highly recommend a retinol cream for the acne. Absolutely number one solution. Make sure the one that you're getting is 2.5% which is the highest over-the-counter allowed in the US. Slowly work up to using it most days. I found a serum on Amazon with salicylic acid retinol vitamin c and niacinamide for $20 per bottle which lasts about 2 months. You might try CeraVe brand, I haven't used it but everyone over on the skin care subreddits seems to like it a lot.

As for plastic surgery I would consider the issue and if it really is needed/small procedure significantly improving your attractiveness. For example I have hooded eyelids which means I have a lot of extra eyelid tissue that pushes down on my eyes and makes me look sleepy. I hate it. And now it's causing wrinkles on my forehead because I'm pulling my eyebrows up to hold my eyes open more. It also makes my forehead hurt. So in that case I would absolutely get eyelid reduction and Botox.

huevos_and_whiskey · 2020-04-21T02:19:06+00:00

Appearance effects how people respond to you. Think about what you want to achieve, then work on the appearance that aligns with your goals. So often advice for women focuses on attracting sexual attention, but there are so many other options! If you want to attract a long term relationship, then sexy might not be exactly the look you’re going for. Likewise, if you’re not trying to attract romantic attention but instead your goal is to be respected in the workplace, you’ll have to modify your approach so it’s tailored to that goal. I don’t see any of this as having an effect on integrity. It’s simply presenting yourself in a way that’s aligned with your goals. The only thing that would lack integrity would be to (knowingly) present yourself in a way that’s not aligned with your goals.

2020-04-20T22:36:16+00:00

You don’t have to spend a lot of money! I do the following routine because it makes me feel amazing:

Hair masks can be made with egg yolk, mayonnaise, and olive oil. Condition your hair really well and often. As for clothes, wear whatever makes you feel good. As for make up, whatever makes you feel good. I rarely put it on and have gotten used to my bare face. Exfoliating your skin and shaving feels really good, and Shea butter is great to put on your skin afterwards to make it soft. Perfumes and lotions are great for smelling and feeling good. I also light lots of candles and keep my room attractive and feminine (it’s where I spend most of my time so I want it to be beautiful!) anyways I hope this helps discriminate what’s for you and what’s for other people!

SeaNegotiation8 · 2020-04-21T07:12:39+00:00

I’ll keep it short and sweet.

I spend time, money, and effort on my looks, like most women, but I have 2 rules:

1) Beauty should NOT be painful. I will never subject myself to pain to appear pretty.

2) I will NOT overspend on beauty. Hair, makeup, clothes, etc. I stay within a budget that is well within my means. Don’t ever bankrupt yourself trying to look pretty.

Other than that, practice habits that keep your body healthy. That’s it.

watershipdowners · 2020-04-21T12:22:03+00:00

For UK, I was having issues with usual prescription for retinol however I finally was given isotrexin which has worked fine on adult acne and free or £9 dependent on NHS cover, just a tip for anyone in UK who may want to ask Dr.

sadcello · 2020-04-22T10:35:54+00:00

I don't give a fuck about being pretty, I'm good if I'm healthy. Being healthy is the most beautiful thing. I'll never sacrifice my health for beauty. This means little to no make up, only natural skincare, eat healthy, exercise, try to maintain a healthy weight without diet, dress to my own style. I don't do more than that.

Title	How do we balance our integrity with society's expectations of appearances? How far should we go to improve how we look?
Author	karonjes
Upvotes	42
Comments	18
Date	April 20, 2020 9:47 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g522wd/how_do_we_balance_our_integrity_with_societys/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-we-balance-our-integrity-with-societys.677959 https://theredarchive.com/post/677959

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