How do we handle things when we mess up?

rftw2013 · 2020-01-01T18:05:10+00:00

For context, what was the exact nature of the emergency? Help us understand, please...

Ms_Tilly · 2020-01-01T18:41:02+00:00

I'm a really selfish person now because I have been taken advantage of enough times in my life, but there are people in my life who I would drop my plans to help them in an emergency. But I would have to really feel like it was an emergency and I would absolutely hate to have been in your situation. I'm sure you were really apologetic to this guy and meant it. There's nothing else you can do. What's done is done. I just hope your friend appreciates what you did for him.

HolyIsTheLord · 2020-01-01T21:01:07+00:00

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letsberealforamoment · 2020-01-01T18:10:56+00:00

I see this differently.

He doesn't know you. You don't know him. If my date for new years eve ditched me at the last minute for a female friend....i would be highly suspicious and skeptical of any reasons. I believe many us would ghost and block.

To me, it's no different from a job interview. You show up late, no show or cancel with the best excuse in the world....doesnt matter. People will think the worst about you.

Men don't deserve the benefit of the doubt. And neither do we.

MyGilleyCat · 2020-01-01T18:45:56+00:00

I'm sorry you were in such a tight spot. That sucks. But honestly what were you supposed to do? You can't do it all, and you shouldn't have to try. Something had to give and you made a choice. That's what it means in part to be a HVW the chips are down and you dont panic or run away, you make the hard choices.

Now I usually believe friends first, especially before a man you've only been dating a short time. This may change for a significant SO of course but in your situation I think I would have made the same choice.

I do believe that we as women need to own our mistakes too. But I'm just not totally convinced you made a mistake. I dont know the details of your friends emotional crisis except for losing a parent, that can be really hard. The one thing I would advise you to do it to look at your friendship, does he only come to you when he needs a therapist? Are you really friends or are you trauma bonded to this person? If the answer is you are really friends then as hard as it is, sounds like good job on being a good friend.

As for the date, you can explain -briefly and honestly- the situation and apologize for hurting their feelings, but truthfully if it were me I'd say thanks for your honesty have a good life. You have to be willing as a HVW to accept that it was a shitty situation and (potentially) as classy as you can let him go.

BDizzy18 · 2020-01-01T20:26:25+00:00

You do need to share context. It sounds like he lost his mother a year ago and had an emotional crisis, so you had to drop everything to run to his side. If so, that is typical selfish male behavior and he needs a wakeup call. Did you discuss this date at all with him, and how you were looking forward to it? Was he jealous, romantically or as a friend? Or was he exaggerating because he had no plans and didn't want to be alone, and felt that you should be spending New Year's with him? If he perked up and was cheerful after you'd been with him then it sounds like he played you.

Unless he was actively suicidal, the response he demanded from you was excessive and selfish. Resentment would be a very valid thing to feel if this is along the lines of what unfolded. Since you are feeling resentful towards him, I think you already know that he acted poorly towards you and dragged you into acting poorly towards your date, which is why you're upset. As to the date, if this is what your post makes it sound like you can try to make it up but there are a few things you need to do.

Parking-Act · 2020-01-01T19:33:26+00:00

You didn't mess up! You have priorities. Your friend who you obviously know well and trust needed you on short notice and you prioritized him! There is nothing wrong with that.

That man is a guy you are dating. You don't even know him. Its great that he's been a gentleman thus far with the dates but monitor his behavior here on out. You're allowed to prioritize other people that have proved themselves to you. You shouldn't feel guilty for having a life and friends outside of him. You didn't mess up, you showed up for someone else.

HolyIsTheLord · 2020-01-01T20:42:27+00:00

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HolyIsTheLord · 2020-01-02T04:54:18+00:00

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extraacct1234 · 2020-01-01T17:23:47+00:00

This guy sounds like a joke. You don't put a date above your friend needing to go to the emergency room. You were right to help your friend. This is ridiculous. You didn't mess up. The fact that this guy is making you feel bad is ridiculous. I would call this a huge red flag. This is a completely unacceptable emotional display on his part and shows how selfish he is. I wouldn't want someone that I was dating to ditch a friend who needed to go to the emergency room to go out with me. I would know that their priorities were a mess and they were selfish and not someone to be relied upon to put my immediate needs above their petty wants.

Honestly I'd say this is an abuse red flag because he wants to be above everything else in your life and will throw it in your face when he's not. You have nothing to apologize for. He's using this against you to gain power in the relationship and make you apologize for things you should not be apologizing for. And even if he is truly hurt it's not appropriate to express that to you beyond saying "well I'm disappointed but I understand that you have to help your friend. That's more important. Let's reschedule for a nice dinner another night."

This is extremely abusive and he's using it as leverage to get control over you and see how far he can make you bend backward for him. At best it's extremely emotionally immature and you won't want to deal with that either.

Title	How do we handle things when we mess up?
Author	HolyIsTheLord
Upvotes	37
Comments	38
Date	January 1, 2020 3:54 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/eijquq/how_do_we_handle_things_when_we_mess_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-we-handle-things-when-we-mess-up.685799 https://theredarchive.com/post/685799

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