How do you deal with sadness?

asoww · 2020-02-25T09:52:00+00:00

You need to embrace it and accept them. The more you fight the longer it takes to get over it. Recognize whatever is happening to you and just try to give yourself the necessary time to deal with it (a.k.a don't avoid it).

Plus I believe there are different stories and different ways/amounts of time to get over things imo. Everyone is different too. What matters is that you know and understand what works for you at that particular time.

riseaboveagain · 2020-02-25T11:13:43+00:00

[deleted]

blaaaaa123 · 2020-02-25T11:07:11+00:00

Don't do what I did, which is basically pretending nothing has happened. Leads to a serious mental wake-up call later down the path.

With that in mind, take your time to wallow, take your time to heal...do nice, little things that cheer you up. Go out with friends. Or eat that gallon of ice cream and cry while watching a stupid romcom.

It will get easier. Promise.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2020-02-25T15:37:12+00:00

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In Dr .David Burns' books "Feeling Good - the new mood therapy", "Feeling Good together" and "When panic attacks", he describes various methods of fighting back against cognitive distortions (lies our minds tell us) that are at the root of your emotions using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

They're amazing books. I can't recommend them enough. IF YOU WANT TO OVERCOME SADNESS, GUILT, SHAME, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, OR OTHER MENTAL DISORDERS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, LEARN & GET GOOD AT CBT ASAP. The gist of it is that you feel the way you think. Changing the way you think will translate in changes in your mood, feelings, and behaviors.

Dr. Burns describes something called "The disarming technique" in Chapter 6 - Verbal Judo of his Feeling good book.

ANYWAY. Google "the disarming technique" and use it on yourself. In essence, when you feel sad, your problem is not that you're sad. It's that you're upset about being sad and are conflicted about it. You're telling yourself you shouldn't feel sad (which is a "should statement", another "cognitive distortion - CD". I suspect you might also be engaging in emotional perfectionism - a self-defeating belief (SDB) where you believe you should be happy, content, cheerful all the time, forever.

If this were me - and I had to use the disarming technique on myself for the same situation. I'd start by agreeing that I do miss him. I seriously love and miss him and it sucks to be going through a break up. If I felt like crying, I'd cry. After all, sad people cry. If I felt like moping, I'd allow myself to mope. I'd be extra kind to myself and allow for vulnerability, breakdowns, and mood swings. I'd also emphasize self-care. During this time, I'd be making sure I get my 60 grams of daily protein I need to be taking, I'd make sure to eat appropriately and take my vitamins, and make sure to get enough sleep, shower, and make time to see friends. I'd begin to write down the thoughts that came to mind that made me feel sad, and begin to look for ways to fight back against those thoughts with positive counter-thoughts that are 100% true and 100% valid at proving that my original thoughts which triggered sadness at wrong.

Anyway. I could be much more helpful and demonstrate the benefits of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy if I knew what you were thinking. What''s running across your mind when you catch yourself feeling sad? What are you thinking about? Can you name 5 thoughts that pop into your head when you're feeling sad. I'm going to address some common ones I've seen from lurking randomly on Reddit.

Sample breakup thoughts that trigger sadness:

"I really miss him. He was the BEST thing that's ever happened to me. I'll never be this happy again with someone else. He was my EVERYTHING!"

"I really miss him." Yes you do. A break up is fresh and new, and you might miss him now and will miss him for a while. That's because you're human. You're allowed to miss him. You aren't expected to be perfect, or move on 100%, immediately. But make no mistake, just because you miss him, doesn't mean that you won't fall for someone else ever again. Have you ever been in love before him? How many boyfriends have you had? You were able to find other boyfriends after previous breakups and you'll be able to find another one after this one. How long did it take you to move on last time? Isn't it realistic to expect that it would take a similar amount of time this time to move on?

The BIGGEST mistake I've seen women do after a breakup is lock-down their minds and ruminate exclusively about their ex. I've made this mistake myself, and had to break myself out of it using CBT. What I mean is that when we're in relationships, a LOT of us NEVER EVER EVER look at other men. We just don't. Sure we SEE them, but we don't notice them. I want you to work on ending that NOW. Begin to notice the other men in your environment. Just look up. If you commute to work, look around you at red lights. Are there any hot guys in other cars? What about busses passing by? Are there any tall, hot, sexy pedestrians crossing the road? Any hot construction workers? If you're using public transit, this exercise is even easier. Look up, and look around you. Notice the men around you. Rank them in your head from degree of most to least sexy on the train. "Red shirt is definitely 3rd place", "glasses is definitely top contender on this train." Keep this up, especially as the men get off and on the train. Noticing other men made me feel much better and Idk why or how this worked for me but it did. It made me realize that my ex REALLY wasn't the sexiest man alive. Sorry, not sorry :/ there were hotter guys on the train, lol. Even better if you get on Tinder and create a profile. Seriously just swipe on the sexiest dudes, only. Rank them. Is "steve" hotter than your ex? What about Jon? What about Jack? What about X? etc. etc.

Sometimes you don't necessarily miss HIM. Sometimes you miss the stuff you did or things you had when you were with him. I found out after dumping my ex, that I missed him much less when I did the same shit, and bought myself the same stuff that I did and used when I was with him. I figured out that I didn't miss him 100%. I missed him 50% of the time, and the other 50%, I just missed bingewatching Futurama on a 75 inch TV, and playing a PS4 Pro game called "resident evil 5". :/ So I started bingewatching Futurama and bought myself the TV and PS4 and I now miss him even less. I went from missing him 100% of the time and thinking of him constantly to missing him about 40% of the time and thinking of him a lot less.

When you ruminate on your ex, you're likely remembering only the good, sexy, best parts of the relationship. This is called "the mental filter" - another cognitive distortion. When you think of the relationship, you only remember the hallmark moments. When you think of being single, you only think about heartbreak and suffering. Well SHIT. I want you to start ruminating on the nasty, ugly, shitty parts. Remember those too. Remember the time he dropped a stinker and you couldn't use the bathroom for 3 hours after. Remember the times he was a jerk to you. This is even easier if you still have the texts. Look back at the shitty parts of the relationship and remember all that you put up with. Re-think being single. Think about all the perks that being single brings to your life that you couldn't enjoy while in a relationship. For me, one of the biggest perks was 100% climate control over my living space. FUCK HIM, I can turn my heat up to 76 degrees like I like it. No more freezing my ass off because he's too fat to be comfortable at room temperature. I don't have to share anything with anyone, and if I don't feel like doing laundry, FUCK HIM AND FUCK MYSELF! I AM BUYING NEW CLOTHES. Whos' going to judge me?? ME?? Of course, there's the endless praise, admiration, and "good morning beautiful" messages you'll receive on social media and dating apps. That's a plus, too. All that male attention and validation, if you want it, right at your fingertips. It's eternal and infinite, ladies. ETERNAL AND INFINITE. For as long as you are able to swipe left and right.... you'll get male admiration and validation. This Means an endless supply of compliments. Endless amounts of first dates, where you get to see men at their best. Dressed to the 9's, and putting on a show just to court and woo you. If they don't. You get a free meal out of it and you block him on the uber ride back :/

No need to negotiate, compromise, work anything out, resolve any conflicts, perform any emotional labor, tolerate any bullshit, meet or deal with any in laws, entertain his friends, do him any favors, or deal with his baggage anymore. You're free. You can randomly hop on a plane and disappear to the islands of waikiki for a month if you wanted to.

Ask yourself "How is being single worse than this??". Look for legitimate answers to this question that are 100% true and 100% valid in your eyes. Find moments in the relationship where you felt like it would've been easier or better to be single, or remember and think of the times where you wanted someone else and not your ex. REmember how rude and shitty he was. It'll help you think of him in a less flattering light, which will counteract how highly you've pedestalized him.

Sources:

- List of cognitive distortions & their descriptions: http://www.pacwrc.pitt.edu/curriculum/313_MngngImpctTrmtcStrssChldWlfrPrfssnl/hndts/HO15_ThnkngAbtThnkng.pdf

- List of common self-defeating beliefs (SDBs) - http://www.stlcw.com/Cognitive_Behavioral_Therapy_Packet.pdf

- The disarming technique: http://sourcesofinsight.com/disarming-technique/

- CBT Guide (Overview & how to do it) - https://depts.washington.edu/dbpeds/therapists_guide_to_brief_cbtmanual.pdf

Pleasant-Complaint · 2020-02-25T11:33:06+00:00

Distract yourself. It's good that you're improving yourself, but remember to have fun, too. Balance is important!! Treat yourself to a nice dinner, go to a concert, make plans with your friends, hell, buy a new videogame if these things make you happy. Always make sure to be doing something so that you don't have the time to think unhappy thoughts. In time, you'll get over it.

ghygdryhchmmmmjj · 2020-02-25T13:45:03+00:00

You keep doing what you're doing and wait. Seriously the brain works through its problems but you need time. You will feel better! Also important to not be snooping on exs social media and such

Unable_Caterpillar · 2020-02-25T10:19:22+00:00

Go out in the sunlight, seriously, it’s improved my mood so much. Just like 10 minutes a day of walking around and observing the beauty of nature does wonders for your mood.

Try to stay in the moment whenever possible. So like when in nature, focus on the trees and birds and really see them. Focus on your breathing. Things like that.

Also do go out with your friends. Do silly stuff like play board games.

It’s ok to be sad, especially so close to a breakup! Don’t try to fight it, just acknowledge it and try your best not to dwell on it. You can also journal about it if you don’t want to burden your friends.

Good luck, we’re all rooting for you here.

ny-lady · 2020-02-25T14:02:01+00:00

Boxed wine and cats!

On a serious note, it just takes time, its pretty normal what you're going through.

curlygirl507 · 2020-02-25T14:17:41+00:00

I try to just be grateful that the positive experiences ever happened at all.

2020-02-25T14:56:32+00:00

i think distracting yourself isn’t the best advice. it will just prolong the feelings. you’ve got to feel your feelings. you don’t have to indulge them by crying and listening to sad music (unless that is what you are in the mood to do) but simply say “ok, i am sad right now. but this feeling will eventually pass.”

iasminag · 2020-02-25T16:23:30+00:00

Tattoo the bad times in the back of your mind.

I still keep one photo of my ex. It’s him taking a selfie smiling with me (my back turned to the camera) crying. It’s there to look at and remind me that it doesn’t matter how many grand romantic memories we made, as long as he was willing to humiliate me. I look at that and remember the bad times. Suddenly, my nostalgia is gone and I feel stronger.

buy_me_cookies · 2020-02-26T03:30:18+00:00

I've read (forget where, I looked it up after a breakup in a oh god when will it end moment) it takes about 11 weeks to get over the initial sadness of a breakup. You've got to let all of those love hormones to clear up that are clouding your head. Take care of yourself in the meantime, like take up a workout if you can, or some other new interesting hobby. Try to make new friends. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Just something to take your focus off of it!

IWannaBeAnArchitect · 2020-02-26T00:10:02+00:00

I'm in the same boat. I've been reading a book called The Wisdom Of A Broken Heart that has really been helping me and that you would probably find useful as well; I highly recommend getting yourself a copy.

lilitha134 · 2020-02-28T15:28:01+00:00

I drink, watch old series I used to love, go out a lot and just do whatever I want (ex. Go to a restaurant I always wanted to go to by myself, order the most expensive dish, go to a festival I always wanted to go to with people I just met, visit friends in different countries, etc.).

Also, writing. I am terrible at talking about my feelings, but I've always loved to write and it has always been very theurapetic for me.

I realise most people think this is avoiding your sadness but "feeling" my sadness has never done me any good and by creating new experiences and meeting new people I eventually manage to get past whatever is bothering me. I guess the best thing to do is just to focus on yourself and what you want.

Title	How do you deal with sadness?
Author	bambamdum
Upvotes	23
Comments	17
Date	February 25, 2020 9:19 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f97op9/how_do_you_deal_with_sadness/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-deal-with-sadness.681555 https://theredarchive.com/post/681555

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