How to confront a man on his mistakes

quaintlyspoken · 2020-03-15T02:34:13+00:00

He's training you to shut up and get with his program.

Ditch him.

Edit: FDS is not about changing LVMs. They don't change.

Yianna_F · 2020-03-15T03:24:14+00:00

Jadedilla, thanks for asking this question!

I believe it can generate a lot of discussion with positive outcomes for other women, too :-)

Let's start by saying that you can't correct a man. Or anyone else for that matter. As most individuals over the age of 10, he should have been at a cognitive and emotional level of being able to "autocorrect".

You don't owe it to him to correct, teach, train, explain, or "communicate" things to them in any way, sorts or manner. Other than once or the basics when stating boundaries that is Full stop. You're not his mother, or teacher, or social skills trainer, or keeper.

What you can do with all people who exhibit contrarian or otherwise unhelpful and unproductive behaviour is...explain yourself assertively the first time, by looking them directly in their eyes, so that they get the message that you're serious about it.

Explain the issue, state your boundaries and how you don't care for such behaviour and thus won't be putting up with it. Ask them to confirm their understanding.

In case the behaviour occurs again, direct them to your previous conversation and repeat the core points. Call them out on their behaviour and see how they react. THEN NEXT HIM!!!

Sometimes they're contrarians because they're (insert your own characterisation), sometimes because they want you two to have a fight, others because they feed off of any kind of reaction etc...who knows. These are clear LVM traits and behaviours, some even abusive.

State your perspective and boundaries but don't (over)indulge them or engage in a debate or philosophical conversation about it!

Men and people in general should know about basic respect, rights and responsibilities towards other people. I don't see the point in "standing up for myself" 24/7, it's exhausting, but I don't let things slide 24/7 either. It's a complex question, so my answer would be it depends.

Your boyfriend of a month clearly think that now that he has you, he can be his usual jerk self and has let his mask slip and true colours show. Obviously he's a man, and soooooo much better than you yada yada yada! 🤮

When someone (anyone) treats you like that, you can (when and where appropriate) cut him off or challenge him or call him out with something along the lines of...

"And I should care because...???!!!"
"Cool, but I only care about solicited (or expert) advice on the matter!"
"Thank you for your personal opinion" (emphasis on the personal)
"When I need your opinion I'll ask for it." ( If you feel contrarian yourself that day)
"Thank you for your input." (Remember, less is more ladies)
"Sure, as I was saying before you interrupted me..." (whatever dude)
"I was wondering what made you feel the need to interrupt?" (goes particularly well with an innocent, empathetic look)
"I was wondering why you couldn't wait until I was done/until your turn to provide your opinion. Are you alright?" (Again, look him deeply and caring in his eyes, cause you care of course! If you truly want to undo him add a "Why are you so emotional?" / "I'm only asking because you're sensitive" cause again you care and you show it 🤣 I reserve the "It's ok if you cry, we're all friends here" for very special occasions when I need to turn the tables on them)

Some are ironic, others intended to cut him off completely or turn it on him and his need to butt in. That puts him in the spotlight and calls him out and can be really uncomfortable when in company. Watch him trying to explain that in front of your friends!

Treat people like that like a man would really! Be short, concise and assertive and on top of the situation.

He's not worth your frustration, bottling up, resentment and effort. He's not worth of a girlfriend really.

Before you next him for good, give him some taste of his own medicine and then please come back and tell us ALL about it! That's what friends are for! 🤣🤣🤣

Edit: to add some juice next to each of my examples of answers

easteuropeangirl · 2020-03-15T02:37:06+00:00

Yes, it is. Why he argue a lot with you? And why you need to confront a man? In relationship you should feel comfy, safe to express everything and share intimate parts of your life not be part of cheap debate show

Radiant_Success · 2020-03-15T03:14:40+00:00

Life is too short to deal with this type of nonsense.

He KNOWS how to act, you don't have to correct him or teach him how to treat you, you're not his mommy. He wouldn't behave this way with an employer or with anyone in any position that he respects. He behaves this way with you because he wants to and because there are no consequences with you that mean anything to him.

myousername · 2020-03-15T05:57:32+00:00

For red flags, drop him immediately. What your man is doing is extremely disrespectful and adversarial, and dismissive of your thoughts and feelings. It will only get worse. He will grind you down over time. Drop him.

For yellow flags, I will give one verbal warning, and if he ever does that thing again, I drop him immediately.

Definitions:

Red flags are absolute dealbreakers, usually to do with his character, as in who he is fundamentally as a human being. Lying, laziness, immaturity, unreasonable stubbornness, sadism, narcicissm, lack of empathy, misogyny, controlling behavior, aggression, any kind of emotional abuse (DARVO, gaslighting, emotional punishing, etc.)

Yellow flags are not necessarily dealbreakers, but have the potential to become one. Usually, they are minor mistakes that any human being is capable of making (suggesting a low-effort date, forgetting to do dishes, etc). If, after I have communicated my expectations, the man refuses to change, I drop him.

rainbowcatsurprise · 2020-03-15T03:22:09+00:00

Men know when they’ve upset you. Intuitive men (green flag for picking up on details/body language) can tell when you’re shutting down and they feel bad about it because they have a sense of empathy and they don’t want to hurt you. He knows what’s going on. You can’t change him because he doesn’t want to change and doesn’t see a problem with hurting you in this way.

glittersparklesglitz · 2020-03-15T02:46:23+00:00

I totally get you wanting to confront him, because you have hope that this is all a misunderstanding and that if you say the right words, he'll understand and change. It's not going to happen.

Legitimate misunderstandings happen, but what you're describing is a pattern of disrespect. I'm not saying you should keep quiet. Standing up for yourself is important. Just don't do it with the intention of him actually caring and changing. If he's so disrespectful after only month, I hate to think how he'll be treating you in six months.

Save yourself the heartache.

TheMarbleSlab · 2020-03-15T03:29:26+00:00

If it’s only been a month, I would tell him his issues then dump him.

whathisbastardid · 2020-03-15T02:39:14+00:00

Before you ditch him, can you call him out in this behavior and embarrass and confront him publicly? Like really make sure other people hear and be very clear that this is why you are leaving him and this is why he is not valuable enough for any woman to consider him. Make a scene and drop him like a potato.

I beg you.

VulcanSpaceSquirrel · 2020-03-15T15:38:59+00:00

1000000000% an LVM. Other posters have nailed why

He won’t get better. Leave him behind and look in other directions.

WorkingOnMyself01 · 2020-03-17T23:59:07+00:00

Great post OP.

Title	How to confront a man on his mistakes
Author	jadedilla
Upvotes	38
Comments	30
Date	March 15, 2020 2:32 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fiucwb/how_to_confront_a_man_on_his_mistakes/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-confront-a-man-on-his-mistakes.680165 https://theredarchive.com/post/680165

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