I had an ex boyfriend when I was around 15 - 16 years old. He was the first boyfriend I ever had, and at first I felt so happy because it was able for someone to love me. Little did I know how horrible he would be with me, and it only got worse after being with him for a longer period of time. He would beat me up, be emotional abusive towards me, sexually abuse me and he tried to kill me multiple times.

I got away after an year with him, when I finally got the courage to leave, and it was safe for me to leave. He stalked me for years afterwards to keep tabs on me, to make sure that I knew he stalked me, he wanted me to be afraid of him. He did that to make sure I didnt tell anyone what he did to me, to get that power and control over me and my life.

Its almost 10 years ago since I met him. I have been in therapy and worked a lot with myself, to become a better version of myself. I got tired of feeling scared of him, and I hated that he was able to have so much power over me and my life. I wanted a better life for myself. I started to speak out, telling the people closets to me and got met with a lot of support. My ex has figured it out and has tried to make me look like «that crazy girl» in order to save his reputation.

I met some people at a party. They were supposedly friends with him. They approached me and started to talk to me about him. Told me he has finally finished school, has gotten a job, had a girlfriend he has been on and off with him but they appearently live together. Then they even bother to use a lot of time to try to convince me that he is trying to change, that he has improved and that I should be able to see that. I told them that its good for him but that I didnt care at all. Clearly, they meant I was too uptight and should be able to understand that he had a difficult childhood where he experienced abuse both at home and in school. He has a drinking problem and anger issues as well. Then they told me that it has been hard for him because he had ADHD and doesnt get help for it. I then asked them if he ever tried to seek help, which they refused because he didnt want to be labeled as «crazy» by a therapist. At this point I feel myself get provoked and just ended the conversation.

Oh, so because he got abused as a child, and have untreated ADHD that he wont even bother to treat, he is somehow all excused for abusing me? I got abused as a child as well and bullied a lot in school. I am autistic and I have ADHD as well that I use medication for. I have PTSD that I have been in therapy for and use medication for. Am I supposed to be understanding and show him compassion because he had a such difficult childhood?

HELL FUCKING NO. He will forever be a rapist and an abuser no matter how much he finishes school. He will forever be a rapist and an abuser no matter how much jobs he has. No matter how much girlfriends he gets, he will forever be an abuser and a rapist. Because he chose to do that to me. He didnt give me a choice at all. He decided and chose to traumatize me. Even if I did something different in those situations, it wouldnt have changed the outcome, because it wasnt up to me to decide if I wanted to experience that trauma. I didnt fucking ask for it. No matter how much I pissed him off sometimes or provoked him, that didnt justify him to abuse me.

He knew what he was doing the whole time when he abused and raped me. A couple of weeks after I left him, I met him accidentally, and he saw me shaking and being scared of him. He then asked me why I was so scared of him, I couldnt respond, he had to assure me that he wasnt going to hurt me. Then he looked into my eyes, and told me that he knew how horrible he had been towards me, and that he shouldnt have treated me that bad. He also said that I was a really sweet girl and that I didnt deseve it. When I think about it today, I just wonder if this was him trying to lovebombing me to get me back. Because he NEVER told me he was sorry, he NEVER apologized. That tells me everything I need to know.

I have to wonder, who are those people trying to convice here really? Do they feel the need to convince me, or themselves?

No matter what he does with his life, no matter where he lives - he wil ALWAYS be a rapist and an abuser. That is his own fault. He took the choice to become one, now he has to live with the consequences.

To clarify; I dont have anything to do with these people at all, I just meet them at some parties sometimes because we are in the same friend group.

I just had to get this off my chest, its bothering me so much. Why do I have to feel sorry and be understanding towards my abuser and rapist? What if those people just used a second to think about me and how this has affected me? Why cant they show me some understanding and feel sorry for me? This makes no sense at all.

EDIT; typos