I have an avoidant attachment style

throwaway-786786 · 2020-04-26T18:35:56+00:00

Yeah, I'm pretty avoidant and have also never been in a relationship. People don't tell you this, but a woman does have to imply interest in a guy before he feels comfortable approaching her. I don't generally do this. I just recently started smiling at guys.

I've heard, "I can't read you" from a lot of guys I dated. I just simply don't share my emotions or even what I want. It's probably because I was shot down when I asked my parents for things as a kid.

I also have a very difficult time initiating texts. In fact, if they decide to "test" my interest by letting me initiate, I just won't text them at all.

It's a problem, and it'll take a long time to fix it. I'm not dating until I know I can wholeheartedly participate in a relationship.

mightbethrowawayyy · 2020-04-26T18:29:56+00:00

Same here :( I’ve been told I’m “mysterious” ever since, like, 14 years old. I keep 90% of feelings to myself. Like completely to myself, that I don’t even feel the need to communicate them with family and close friends.

There were a few times, guys I started dating asked why I couldn’t open up more. It was not that I did not trust them enough. It was just that I didn’t feel the need to be that vulnerable with anyone. I have a fairly good mental health and I don’t feel lonely being alone and keeping everything private. But maybe they could not understand.

Sometimes I feel like I need to just force myself to open up more and fake it til I make it. But I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I don’t know if I can give you any advice, since I struggle with the same thing and haven’t found a good strategy to cope with it either. Just want to let you know that you’re not alone :/

brainsandb00bs · 2020-04-26T19:36:31+00:00

I’m avoidant and I’m trying to read into it and work with a therapist to be more secure. It’s tough though. Part of me enjoys keeping men at such an arms length. then there is the other part of me that cries every time I have to block someone for getting too interested in me because I can’t reciprocate the emotions.

Really random but I was thinking about this just now because a TV show got me in my feelings. Some man was mourning his dead wife and I thought wow, I’ve never felt real love like that before, and I may never know what that feels like because I keep pushing people away.

DelicateDream · 2020-04-26T20:43:56+00:00

I think I did not have secure attachment but awareness of the tendency helps me navigate it so that now I will say I am consciously secure, in that I cultivate it and choose to be.

I don’t fit neatly into one style category. Fearful-avoidant may be closest but it’s usually associated with abusive caretakers (which I did not have).

So I would be drawn to the unavailable men but I don’t exhibit anxious behavior. Internally I would be too obsessed, but would pull back out of fear. I feared being consumed and humiliated. So externally I look avoidant. TBH, with applying FDS and doing other inner work - I actually FEEL more detached, but I realized it’s a normal inner calm. Outwardly my behavior is more available and less withdrawn. So I consider myself fairly secure now. I’m comfortable with intimacy but not anxious about it, so that I don’t attach too quickly nor detach out of self-preservation.

Anyhow, the unavailable men weren’t into me because I think they unconsciously wanted anxious styles - as avoidant types they like to jump into fast intimacy to start the push/pull game. My overly cautious style didn’t boost their ego and was boring.

When someone was readily available to me, I was not attracted, but it was easy to justify because they never were my taste physically. And I notice they leaned a bit anxious in terms of style. And the anxious types turn me off a lot because they triggered fears of being smothered or controlled. I think I became avoidant in response but wouldn’t do the push/pull game. It tended to fizzle out fast if it ever got off the ground.

ny-lady · 2020-04-27T01:02:56+00:00

Im a Secure with a hardy Dismissive side. Im emotionally available but I can be triggered by people that are 'needy', etc, faster than other Secures. I need more alone time. I know myself well and understand when Im triggered and what it is.

Dated an avoidant once, its sucked. LOL

I think Thais Gibsons Youtube is great for attachment. She was a Fearful Avoidant.

And more than likely yes, your avoidance has kept you away from relationships, emotional availability and intimacy.

To add it is good youre open with your mom and friends as some avoidants avoid that too. You're ahead in the game earning secure.

rinabean · 2020-04-26T20:31:59+00:00

Maybe you just didn't like any of those men? Maybe if you feel like you don't have feelings for them, you don't.

I have an avoidant attachment style, though it's improving all the time. I am generally picky about people. I think it's bad for making friends and also for being happy in general, but the big problem women seem to have in dating is not being picky enough, sometimes not showing any discernment at all. It's not such a bad thing there.

Despite my avoidant attachment style, I'm happily married (to a man with a secure attachment style - the ideal!). I didn't have to pretend I had feelings about him when I didn't. So I think it's totally possible for you to have feelings for someone you actually have feelings for.

You should definitely work on your attachment style and get that healthier. But, not for dating, and definitely not during or by dating if you see what I mean. I wonder if you often dated men with anxious attachment styles, generally these two types attract each other but can rarely make it work.

I don't do a lot specifically about my attachment style, I mostly focus on my CPTSD issues. They're pretty related at least for me. I'm interested to see what's helped other women.

PoeticINFP · 2020-04-26T20:05:26+00:00

[deleted]

virginiadancer · 2020-04-27T15:13:31+00:00

There are alot of really good comments. I'm not avoidant attachment but I have yet to find a man that's worthy of me expressing my feelings so like you, I've had countless men call me: detached, logical, robotic, cold, icy, avoidant, confident, arrogant, etc. Yet every time I express a need or desire, its quickly shut down. I find this behavior too confusing, so I'll continue to opt out. Doesn't sound like you are avoidant with friends, only men. I find no fault in this.

issa_boke · 2020-04-26T22:11:22+00:00

exactly why I just ended my relationship. maybe I’ll work through it later in life.

getlowpapoose · 2020-04-27T19:55:52+00:00

I know I’m late to this, but it’s nice to see so many kindred spirits.

crabbyvista · 2020-05-01T06:05:12+00:00

I’m avoidant as hell. You don’t spend the formative years of your life learning that relationships are temporary and what you want/need doesn’t matter without winding up a little fucked in the head.

The thing that has helped most so far is understanding “detachment with love.” You can love someone, or even just enjoy their company, without having to get mixed up in all their bullshit.

And that sounds avoidant too, but I think avoidant people often place excessively high stakes on relationships, and that is terrifying!

Realizing that I’m not bound to some exhausting codependent blood oath lowers the stakes and helps me make a reasonable, balanced effort in my relationships. It’s okay to love my friend, and also distance myself from her excessive drinking. It’s okay to enjoy a man, even to love him, and still leave him because the sex is bad. Etc.

Relationships don’t have to be so all-or-nothing. Sometimes the gaps just let the air flow in.

You can even tell people you think their bullshit is bullshit without having to get completely worked up about it: their choices aren’t about you.

The other, more recent, thing that seems to be helping is “I’m going to tell you the things that I’m feeling out loud.”

Doing that has always felt scary and futile. So I try to not attach any expectations. I imagine releasing it into the wind like a dandelion seed.

BUT... I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how sometimes... the person I express my feelings to will actually help me out. Which makes me want to invest in them, and more willing to speak up next time, too. Before you know it, you have a halfway decent relationship going, where you care about them and you feel confident, based on their actions and words, that they care about you, too.

But if I express my feelings and the other person is dismissive or unresponsive... well, then I know

1) what I want, because I’ve actually verbalized it!

2) this person is probably never going to help me achieve what I want. Doesn’t even necessarily mean I need to write them off completely forever or that I don’t deserve to want things.

Just means... this person cannot or doesn’t want to help me with this. So I should probably look elsewhere. And that’s ok: I’m not willing or able to help everyone who needs or wants something, either!

Sorry ‘bout the novel. I feel like being an avoidant woman puts you in some odd binds sometimes. As you mention, most men are pretty weirded out by avoidant women. Which is fair, imo.

I’ve spent most of my adult life in longterm relationships (I spent a lot of my life in a very male-dominated field so it’s definitely not that I’m good at relationships)

BUT I often feel pigeonholed into the “low maintenance/stoic” role where I feel like the only reason my partner wants me is that I want nothing, and that’s much lonelier than being single.

EternalRecurrence · 2020-04-27T20:26:38+00:00

You can't build a secure attachment style without adequate mirroring. Learning to be vulnerable as an avoidant is important, but -as my therapist reminds me- not everyone deserves that privilege (I've learned this the hard way.) You say you only open up to your best friend, your mom and some close female friends. I imagine that that's because when you've opened up to them in the past, they have reacted adequately and consistently by offering comfort and support. The contrapositive also applies here: if you stop getting a good/constructive/supportive response, that person loses some of your trust. If this happens enough times, they lose the friendship/intimacy.

The same rules apply for men, but I am more stringent with them because my standards are higher for men. A HVM will put in the time and effort to make you feel safe by listening to you express your boundaries and always respecting them. In time, that may lay a foundation within which you feel you can open up. I have been in many happy long-term relationships and most of my relationships began as friendships because I already knew I liked the other person and they had put in the time and effort to gain my trust. They did this by showing deep emotional intelligence through the capacity for introspection and empathy towards other people (the second part is essential to avoid the narcissist-playing-the-victim trap.)

However, the above suggestions assume you know what you are withholding from others. It sounds like you may be SO detached you don't even have a clear idea of what your feelings are to begin with or how to tap into them. Feelings are valuable information and we need them to navigate the world. Do you actually have no feelings (very rare) or do you have difficulty identifying and describing feelings? If it's the latter, I would suggest you look up "alexithymia" and see if it resonates.

Either way, journaling regularly may help you clarify your feelings a bit -after all, you can't share what you can't verbalize! An insightful journal prompt may be "what do I think will happen if I open up emotionally to a man." For a lot of avoidants, there's shame and fear there and maybe stories about past disappointments, but whatever your answer looks like you can then try to answer "does the answer to question 1 contain any assumptions? where did they come from? Is this narrative serving me well? are there examples of the opposite happening that come to mind?" etc. This work is challenging and lengthy because you're forced to interrogate yourself just as much as the other person, and that can be incredibly hard and uncomfortable.

2020-04-29T23:45:46+00:00

I've just found out I'm avoidant too, most likely from pretty bad previous relationships

I'm reading a lot of horror stories of people being stuck with an avoidant attachment person..

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Title	I have an avoidant attachment style
Author	PoeticINFP
Upvotes	70
Comments	46
Date	April 26, 2020 6:10 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g8j7j1/i_have_an_avoidant_attachment_style/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-have-an-avoidant-attachment-style.677523 https://theredarchive.com/post/677523

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