First of all, HUGE fan of this sub. I read it religiously. I can't describe the ways in which it all just "clicked" upon discovery, but I am sure many of you felt the same way.

My ex of 3 years, who I fully planned to marry was everything this sub warns against. I was constantly inching our relationship along, worried that my "pushing" us forward would scare him away. I basically coaxed/ lightly manipulated every step forward in our relationship. It was always me leading the way and it took me so long to see it. I can't even describe the emotional labor that goes into such a dysfunctional relationship. I wish I could say his fear was of commitment, but it really was a fear of responsibilities (which definitely included our relationship). An ultra privileged man child used to the world just handing him the things that he wanted, never having to push himself or even think towards the future about his goals. Why should he worry? Everything else in his life "just worked out". In hindsight, I see his flaws clear as day and the "little things" were not really that little because they pieced together a full picture of complacency, insecurity and immaturity.

Some examples: Me taking care of him as he blackout vomited all over my bathroom ON MY BIRTHDAY after MY BIRTHDAY PARTY. Him always complaining about being broke and not wanting to do anything with me that cost any money, me always bending over and footing the bill "for the relationship". NEVER asking his boss for more hours (part time), or a raise even though he was fully capable of both and actually had a shot at either/both. He kept saying, "that isn't how this job works you don't understand" while smoking bowl after bowl in his crappy basement set up. Unable to plan ANYTHING successfully. Things like taking me somewhere on the one day a week it was closed, taking us to the wrong airbnb location because he didn't double check what he booked, missing very important flights because he didn't leave enough time to get to the airport (and then calling me crying at 5am for me to talk him up). Him not having his license as a grown man and fully relying on me for rides. You get the picture because I know you all have been there too.

The straw that broke the camels back (and I will admit he broke up with me- what a blessing) was that he was unable to get a job after finishing his degree in the city we had agreed to live in together. I, on the other hand, accepted a well paying, flexible and honestly incredible entry level position in my field before even graduating from undergraduate. Wanna know why? I worked MULTIPLE jobs and internships all throughout my time in college. I woke up early to grind hard every morning at my job before classes. I worked 12+ hour days for over a year. I networked. I showed up. I never ever expected the world would hand me shit. As a woman (granted- a white, cisgendered women) I knew I had to prove my worth in every situation I was "lucky enough" to be included in. I'd leave him sleeping in my bed every morning when I went to my job. THEN he has the audacity to tell me that I was making HIM feel like a failure and complain when I had to iron my dress clothes the night before instead of watching TV with him. Guess who talked him up and myself down over and over for his precious little ego? I couldn't even celebrate my biggest life accomplishment to date because I was bent over his asshole kissing it.

Fast forward 3+ years: I found the one (or at least- I really truly hope so). The most supportive person of me, my work, my independence, all of it. First of all, on our second date I told him I really liked him but wanted to be single and figure things out, so I did not know what that would mean for him. I just needed to recover from the trauma that was Mr. ManChild. I couldn't commit to being the best partner because I feared it meant giving away all my energy once again. He waited OVER A YEAR for me to commit to monogamy. Just kept dating me, being as kind and gentle as he is now. Respected my space and my time spent with friends. He did not push me or rush me one time. Never asked if I was seeing other people (I was, and I'm sure he was too which was totally fine by me. Respect goes both ways). I realize this may be unique (maybe it isn't, what do I know) but for a man to respect my words and not think they know better than me or try and tell me how I should be living my life means so much. And it paid off because through it all he was the one I wanted to be with + I realized what a relationship could be without a human leech pulling you down.

He just graduated law school. He takes my dog out for me when I am stressed/busy. He TOOK MY PERIOD STAINED SHEETS HOME TO WASH without me even asking. He comes to my work events, proudly. He goes out of his way to come stay with me. He started buying foods that I am not allergic to so we can cook and bake together (ex would ick and ew at all my allergen friendly foods, complain they are too expensive- as if I hadn't realized I spend 30% more on groceries than others). When I mentioned I was feeling insecure about him making so much more money than me as we move forwards in life he said (and I am paraphrasing), 1. Why are you putting yourself in a box? I know you will be running right up there with me and you are so capable of out earning me, then listed the jobs he knows I aspire to have and told me he knew I'd do it and 2. Now I can help you! We can do all the things we want in the world, together, and I will do all the things for you because I love you. He said to think of the trips we can take together. He talked about being able to support me when I go back to graduate school, him cooking me dinners and making sure I can focus on school when the time comes. He's willing to take the bar in my home state and move with me in the future! Just being able to have a conversation about a future together and even being able to consider what our next steps could be is a 180 degree turn from Mr. I clam up when you ask me anything meaningful ever.

THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!