I need some support

Diamondsareagirlsbff · 2020-02-08T11:46:15+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear how low you feel, but it gets better. You are in the right place. Keep reading everything that speaks to you, and nourish your soul. Keep repeating the messages you need to hear, they’ll work their way into your psyche. I’ll start you off: ‘I am right to follow my instincts. Life will get better. I will not feel like this forever. I am hopeful for love. Today I love myself, I am amazing! I’ve been through a trauma, but here I am, working my way through to the other side of it, and I will get stronger and happier.’

Stick around, sis, we are here for you.

husheveryone · 2020-02-08T13:15:41+00:00

“Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life” by Tracy Schorn aka Chump Lady is a game-changing book for healing from the gaslighting infidelity abuse you’ve just experienced again.

It’s not “codependent” (a victim-blaming term when applied outside of substance abuse issues such as this) you were abused, and probably have a trauma bond. EMDR is a helpful therapy, along with talk therapy from a therapist who understands that cheating and gaslighting are forms of intimate partner violence (IPV). Hugs & peace to you!

2020-02-08T11:31:09+00:00

The full audio of codependent no more is available on YouTube and there are some excellent coda groups.

But the majority of the process is always an inside job. And that is dealing with this fear of not finding anyone, which can take a good two - three years of self-work while staying single.

Only by loving herself and having a life worth living, can a woman fight this fear.

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-02-08T13:14:00+00:00

Cheating is a character dysfunction on their end, not yours. I strongly recommend Chump Lady's book/site and a good therapist to help you through. I'm sorry for what you went through. It's still fresh and not a reflection on your awesomeness.

goatismycopilot · 2020-02-08T12:05:15+00:00

I love a blogger/ writer named Natalie Lue she drives deep into a lot of issues regarding patterns and boundaries and figuring yourself out in a non frilly way give her a listen.

s_slayer · 2020-02-08T16:13:17+00:00

Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. The most amazing, beautiful women are cheated on. It is not about you. Please take a lot of time now to be with yourself and get to know your true self and the things you are passionate about. Men are really not an asset to women. They are a liability in most cases. You need to be willing to be alone for several years while waiting for a man who will complement your life. This means you need to become content with being alone.

I’ve been single for many years and it’s really ok. I was married for 11 years. I do not feel a difference between being married and being single except that being single I answer to no one. As far as happiness, there is no difference. I would actually say I’m more at peace now than when I’m in a relationship. I’ve had terrible luck with men too. They are not easy. It’s not your fault. You’re a very accomplished, intelligent woman. Go live your best life and forget about men for awhile. You’ve been hurt badly and need to heal. Just remember men cheat on all types of women. It’s more of an opportunity thing for them and nothing to do with their partners lacking somewhere.

jeerie · 2020-02-08T15:12:37+00:00

Hey there.

I really know how you feel and I am so sorry for you. But he is not deserving of you.

You should chase your own happiness. Not being happy with someone else, but being happy by yourself. I know this can be hard and sometimes you´ll feel lonely, but at the end of the day, you can sadly never trust anyone to stay in your life forever.

The only Person that will Always, ALWAYS be with you, is YOU. So you should start loving the heck outta yourself and do everything you can to be happy alone.

I am sure that the Right man will come to you, and that you will be in a happy and healthy relationship. But even if Mr. Right Comes across you today, you still have to work on yourself and your love of yourself.

You can do it.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2020-02-08T20:45:09+00:00

You are a physician and I am going to point out the cognitive distortions I see in your post, as defined by Dr. David Burns in his books "Feeling Good: The new mood therapy" and "When panic attacks". I will link my sources at the bottom!

My ex fiancé and I recently broke up a few months ago... I found out yesterday he was in a relationship with her IMMEDIATELY after us breaking up.

I'm going to identify these as "the upsetting events". This event has triggered several cognitive distortions, intensely negative emotions, and feelings of anxiety.

I feel like I will never find someone for me,

I see "Jumping to conclusions - Fortune telling", and "overgeneralization". You are jumping to the conclusion that since your relationship is over, it's the end of all romantic hope for you and you are overgeneralizing by assuming that you'll never ever meet anyone else, ever. I also see "magnification", and "emotional reasoning". You feel horribly after the breakup and you feel doomed to romantic failure, so you're jumping to the conclusion that you'll never find someone else. This is not borne out by the evidence! You were clearly able to find and be with your ex-fiance. Have you had boyfriends before him? Do you have a history of being "forever alone"? NO! So there's a good chance that you'll probably meet someone else in the future, just like you were able to meet your ex-fiance.

and that if I do I won’t be able to love or trust anyway due to the two exes who did their best to ruin my life.

Again - I see "jumping to conclusions - fortune telling". You are trying to assume that in the future you won't trust anyone you meet. You had an ex that you didn't trust before, and you managed to trust your ex-fiance. Doesn't it follow that since you were able to trust in the past, you will likely be able to trust again, given sufficient time to heal?? You are also "over-generalizing". You are taking this ONE breakup and assuming that you will NEVER EVER be able to trust again, ever, because of the "damage" caused by this one break up. This is also evidence of "all or nothing thinking". You are assuming that you will either fully trust a man, 100%, or not trust him at all. Isn't it possible to trust someone a little, but not all the way? Like maybe 50% trust, or even 70%?

Your ENTIRE post is also evidence for "the mental filter" and "discounting the positives". You are focusing exclusively on the negatives of the upsetting events I outlined above, and discounting any blessings this event may bring to your life. Isn't it possible that you dodged a complete bullet?

Let's suppose that the upsetting event never ever happened. Wouldn't it follow that you would have married this scumbag, and then proceeded to have a very painful and expensive divorce? GO READ THE DIVORCE SUB. It's full of people who WOULD KILL to be in your position right now. A LOT of them are DESPERATE to undo the damage they did by tying themselves to someone at the altar. The reality is that YOU DODGED A STEAMING PILE OF SHIT MISSLE, and he's her problem now. It won't be long before he cheats on her, too. You are now free to date and meet new men, and since you're a childless doctor, you're going to have your pick of the litter. Online dating puts the world of HVM at your feet. You simply need to snap a few pics, write a few sentences about yourself, and practice your left swipe, sis.

What other positives are you discounting? Since you're a physician, I'm assuming you were the breadwinner. Is it true that this breakup will probably save you a ton of money?

Umm... I know I've rambled a bit, but what the hell. I might as well go all the way. When you say:

" I feel so lost and I feel like I will never find someone for me "

I'm inclined to use "the what-if" technique to probe a little and get to the bottom of a potential "Self-defeating belief". So I want you to ask yourself several times

If this negative thought " I feel so lost and I feel like I will never find someone for me " were true, what would this mean to you? Why would it be upsetting? and then ask yourself... "if this negative thought was true... what's the WORST thing that can possibly happen?". Write it down, and keep asking yourself these questions until you find out what your core fear is, and then use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to defeat it.

Please PLEASE give Cognitive behavioral therapy a chance! Dr. David Burns books "Feeling Good: The new mood therapy" and "When panic attacks" are available on the Audible App as audiobooks and I can't recommend them enough! Read them over and over and over again until the messages stick. Do the written exercises and apply the concepts too!

Sources: http://www.pacwrc.pitt.edu/curriculum/313_MngngImpctTrmtcStrssChldWlfrPrfssnl/hndts/HO15_ThnkngAbtThnkng.pdf

Sources: https://depts.washington.edu/dbpeds/therapists_guide_to_brief_cbtmanual.pdf

Sources: http://ipsi.uprrp.edu/pdf/manuales_tara/individual_manual_eng.pdf

Sources: www.feelinggood.com

ThunderofHipHippos · 2020-02-08T16:49:39+00:00

When I left a terrible relationship, I made a weekly schedule: 1 night a week of spa-like self care, 1 night of a social hobby, 1 night of a quiet solo hobby, and 1 friend date. I'd also try to call an old friend at least once.

The phone call could be squeezed in with another activity, so it was only 4 nights a week.

For my social activity, I sought out a women's writing group. Find something with only women, those environments are more conducive to growing friendships.

You've got this! Set some goals and focus on them. You can do it!

curlygirl507 · 2020-02-08T13:32:54+00:00

My suggestion is to start pursuing activities that you've always been interested in and attempt to make some friends through them. Pretend that dating isn't a thing - how would you live if that were the case? When you build up your own life, you have a strong defense against heartache because you always have other things to fall back on. We're here for you, and best of luck 🤗

persephones_torch · 2020-02-08T13:34:30+00:00

Take time to find yourself. Your identity. Focus on healing yourself and discovering your strength to be by yourself. A lot of us here are on that journey and doing the work. It is hard and can get sometimes lonely, but know that it will be worth it in the end. You are prioritizing yourself finally and it will feel so foreign to be doing so. Once you start you'll wonder why you haven't been doing this your whole life.

The loneliness may come and go but know you're not alone, tap into friends and family. Tap into this sub. Tap into people who you know genuinely have your best interests at heart.

dilligent_squatter · 2020-02-09T01:41:26+00:00

Tw self harm, girl it’s not you. It was never you.

I was with a guy for four years that I met in college. Graduated with two degrees, and moved to Japan, was working in my field and living in a bomb-ass place in the middle of Tokyo surrounded by friends, living my best life. But we decided to LDR because “we loved each other” and wanted to figure it out. This mofo flies out and proposes to me on NYE, begs me to come home. And like an idiot, I gave up everything for him. Paid thousands of dollars to move back stateside. I couldn’t get work in my field but figured that was fine, and we played house for a while. I didn’t have a car right away and it quickly devolved into me taking the bus in between two jobs, schlepping heavy groceries from the bus stop, paying for everything in the house (except Internet, big whoop), cleaning everything. Him failing out of school because of “anxiety,” but he had time for League of Legends, World of Warcraft, and porn for LITERALLY ten hours a day. I would bring up his plate, sit in the corner and eat while he yelled at fourteen year olds or his other basement dweller friends on the Internet, take his plate away, clean up all the food and dishes, pack his lunch, and go to bed. Couldn’t be bothered to have any kind of conversation with me but constantly pressured me for sex, and constantly pushed boundaries for what I was comfortable doing. Isolated me from family and friends by telling me my mom was “crazy” and my friends were “high maintenance” and so was I. I was depressed after going from an amazing job in Japan to two shitty minimum wage jobs here and was busy being his mom and housekeeper all the time and he couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just fuck him and feel happy, so with a ring on my finger (MY great grandma’s wedding ring, not even one he could have arsed himself to buy) he cheated on me with his female “friend” that he worked at Target with his freshman year of college. I found out because he left his Facebook open, and he had the AUDACITY to be pissed because I was “invading his privacy.” I still keep screenshots of all the absolutely vicious shit he said about me after all I had done for him, to remind me that men ain’t SHIT.

I took a year off dating and did hardcore therapy, which I highly, highly recommend after such a violation of trust. Found my value and completely re-built my self esteem from the ground up. Stopped wasting my energy on people who ain’t shit and reinvested in myself. Three years later I’ve healed, and spent the past two with a genuine HVM who is a provider, supports my career goals and happiness, cooks for me, does things without asking, wants a future with me and shares my values.

Before I went to therapy I made two suicide attempts. I literally almost killed myself over this literal piece of shit, and I look back on it and cannot believe I almost ended my life over someone who doesn’t matter. This cheater clown doesn’t matter to you. He’s literal gum on the bottom of your shoe. You’re a doctor! You have so much more to offer the world than this chucklefuck. It will take a while but you’ll heal. In the end, he ain’t shit and his ring means nothing. He adds no value to your life and a year later he’ll just be “some asshole.”

My bubbe’s best dating advice is “don’t date anyone who acts like a peasant.” This dude is a fucking peasant and you’re a goddess, feel your feelings and heal, and keep moving forward.

greenappletw · 2020-02-08T12:38:31+00:00

I agree with everyone else. Tackling codependency and working on self love will get you out of this emotional hole.

Both processes can feel like a drop in the ocean at first, but all you have to do is go through the motions and before you know it you will start picking it up. The mind is very powerful in positive ways too and you can use that to your advantage.

chickenery · 2020-02-08T19:20:53+00:00

I am so sorry. That is so hard. You have every right to feel upset. What he did was cruel.

I hope you don’t mind, but I took a look at your post history. I am sorry you are struggling. I myself am not a doctor, but my parents are, and so are my closest friend and my two sisters. I saw firsthand how med school/residency was so BRUTALLY difficult for their personal lives. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are a fiercely intelligent and ambitious person to get as far as you have gotten. Your accomplishments are amazing.

RadarFemef · 2020-02-08T21:22:52+00:00

Your intuition and gut feelings are your friend. Develop more inner trust and respect for yourself and learn to listen to yourself. A lot of people won’t admit the truth in relationships especially when called out on them. I’ve called out so many for behavior like that and they would refute me and deny it to my face, but then later do exactly what your ex did or otherwise admit to me I was right after the fact. I’ve learned to stop believing words, and start believing actions. If you feel uncomfortable about something that is 100% ok to voice it and expect your feelings to matter. If he dismisses or denies, without showing your feelings any consideration, it is time to pay attention to your gut and also his actions, not just the words he’s feeding you

Title	I need some support
Author	asoulwhoseintentions
Upvotes	103
Comments	22
Date	February 8, 2020 11:22 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f0qdpr/i_need_some_support/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-need-some-support.683089 https://theredarchive.com/post/683089

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