I'm engaged to a HVM after wasting 13 years (THIRTEEN. YEARS.) to an utter LVM.

After breaking up with my LVM a few years ago, I took a year and a half to work on myself (going to therapy, actively practicing self compassion, throwing myself into my career development), and I'm getting married later this year.

He's been a HVM from the start - the differences between these two men are night and day:

Firstly - my Fiancé and I have been friends for a long time. I know FDS typically doesn't look kindly on male friendships (for good reason), but even as a friend, he was amazing. He's never been creepy, has always been supportive and loyal, and respectful of boundaries. When I broke up with my LVM, he didn't rush in to try to pressure me into dating. He gave me time, space and support as a friend, and just held space for me, much the same way that my wonderful female friends did. I've been around enough men to know what ulterior motives feel like, and he was not that.

Small things - when I have my periods, and the first few days are shitty and sore, he wakes up before me, brings me tea or coffee, a heated wheat pack and painkillers. No prompting required. He checks in, offers non sexual cuddles and snacks.

He cares about my pleasure - he admits, that part of it is an ego boost for him, and he gets off on getting me off. Our first sex toy purchase was a Satisfyer - a clit vibrator geared towards women. He purchased it entirely as a surprise for me. My LVM absolutely hated, HAAATED the idea of sex toys. He was shit in bed (literally went down on me... I can count on two hands? In the course of our entire relationship) and was adamantly opposed to toys because "it would make women less interested in sex"... Yeah, with you. Lol.

We communicate, like mature adults, and he can actually introspect and own up to his shortcomings. He got upset recently over something work related recently, and I refused to tolerate him getting grumpy with me. He went away, thought about why he was feeling this way, and we discussed frankly and honestly the things that made him feel insecure, and he sincerely apologized for acting out. He hasn't done that since. My ex and I would also have "discussions", and this dude would pride himself on being "logical", but never in a million years did he ever think about introspecting as to why he was acting out. It always devolved into a "he said she said" situation, and nothing actually changed.

Small things - I mentioned I was craving brownies the other week - and off he goes into the kitchen to bake me brownies. Why? "Because it makes you happy!".

He'll invest into the relationship if he gives a shit. I constantly look at my engagement ring and marvel at how beautiful it is - I asked him not to feel compelled to spend too much (I live in a country where house prices are ridiculous, and would rather put money towards a deposit), but he went ahead and got me a ring that easily surpassed my expectations - carat, design, everything. My ex, during our relationship bought me ONE piece of jewelry - a cheap silver bracelet - and generally refused to do any gift giving because he thought it was "materialistic and pointless". This cheap ass mofo never took me out on date nights or planned anything special - but thought it was perfectly fine to go to an intimate dinner with a female colleague, and wonder why I was upset.

Our day to day is so different - we're still independent and enjoy individual pursuits, but I never feel needy asking for attention or action. My ex was glued to video games, and we'd spend hours in the house, him just playing games, and me left to my own devices - I felt like furniture in my own relationship. My Fiancé is mindful of his gaming habits, and regularly pauses to ask if I want to do something together, or actually actively take care of household chores.

All in all - it's sad that these HVM traits are even consider HVM in the first place. I feel like they're such a baseline for healthy adult relationships and yet, they're so uncommon in this day and age. I'm mindful of CONSTANTLY VETTING, because it never stops, but I've also realized, that if men give a shit, THEY'LL GIVE A SHIT. You can't mother them into changing.

Godspeed, people of FDS. Keep your standards high. They are out there, but it's a long, shitty process. But when it's right, you'll know.