I spent so many years in awful relationships and developed habits and expectations I didn't even realize I had. Whenever my husband doesn't react like my past partners, I'm always taken aback (even now, and we've been together for three years). I've realized just how much anxiety I carry around in anticipation of scary reactions, even though my situation isn't scary anymore.

A few examples:

  • The first time I saw him in a bad mood, I immediately locked up and was terrified to speak or even move. I was waiting for him to turn around and start yelling at me and accusing of me of...idk, breathing wrong? Instead, he said: "I just need to get out of the house, is that okay? Can we maybe go get food somewhere? I need to eat something and cool down." He owned his feelings, expressed them without blaming me, and looked for a healthy way to manage them. Three years later, he still has never taken a bad mood out on me.
  • I recently got annoyed at him because he borrowed my car and left some trash in it (he has his own car, but we trade once and a while for various reasons). I was uncomfortable bringing it up because confrontation is scary and I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but it was also really bothering me. In the past I probably wouldn't have said anything because it never would've gone well. But I told him directly that I didn't like that he hadn't cleaned up after himself after using my car. I 100% expected him to go on the defensive, start pointing out times I hadn't cleaned up after myself, guilt trip me, etc. Instead, he looked a bit surprised, immediately apologized, said he'd do better in the future, and then went outside and washed my car top to bottom.
  • I have a good guy friend who is ace, so in years of friendship I've never gotten pervy vibes from him. We text back and forth a couple times a week about random stuff. It's been nice having someone to shoot the shit with, especially during lockdown. I was so afraid that my husband would get angry at me for texting this other guy, and I preemptively offered to let him see all of the texts so he'd know everything was okay and there was no funny business. I expected him to give me shit about it, lecture me about how I shouldn't be so naive, say he can't trust me, etc. Instead he said: "Oh, I don't need to see any of that. You've gotta have your friends." Ya'll, it's such a relief to be able to talk to my friend openly without feeling like I'm doing something wrong.

Just a few examples off the top of my head. My husband isn't perfect---no man is, and that's not what FDS is about---but he is emotionally intelligent, capable of humility, and genuinely concerned about my needs and well-being.

My past relationships left me really scarred in ways I didn't even notice at first, and those feelings still pop up all the time even though I'm in a healthy relationship now. This is why it's so important to walk away from shitty LVM/NVM. They don't just mess with your head during the relationship -- the effects can last way after he's out of your life.