Is this a red flag?

thighsmatch · 2020-07-13T02:01:42+00:00

And insecure man is not cute because he is looking for someone to fix him or maybe he doesn’t love himself and will struggle to love others or he’s a pleaser and will end up resenting you.

ETA -the above is in general and I agree we need more context

Sage_Planter · 2020-07-13T02:04:29+00:00

"When a man tells you who he is, listen" is more about paying attention to someone's true colors and intentions. For example, if a man regularly makes racist jokes, he's a racist even though he'll try to cover it up with a "I was totally just joking. One of my best friends is [whatever race]."

The comment about being "pretty lazy today" seems like a man who has self esteem issues and can't take a compliment. It's more of a yellow flag because those are undesirable characteristics that can become pretty annoying over time or cause issues as they evolve. It isn't attractive when either men or women can't simply say "thank you" in response to those sorts of things.

2020-07-13T06:56:33+00:00

I think it is a red flag. You'll spend a lot of time trying to build him up but really he has to 100% do it himself.

Also, if he does get a boost from your compliments he'll be dependant on you for that. You wanna be adding to a guy's happiness not trying to make up for a deficit.

LaBaronessa · 2020-07-13T01:59:19+00:00

I see it as a red flag because it shows that he's more likely to neg you and there's a higher possibility he will minimize your own efforts, accomplishments and feelings.

How often does it happen? Has it only happened once or twice? Or is it every time you say something kind to him? The more frequent it is, the more time you'll spend stroking his ego and providing emotional labor that he himself should work on.

Edit: how long have you known him? A timeline is usually easier to work with.

Maleficent_Youth_175 · 2020-07-13T03:33:32+00:00

[deleted]

h_witko · 2020-07-13T02:50:10+00:00

I see it as a red flag because best case scenario, he needs therapy and has either not gone or made no progress.

He wants you to fluff up his ego whilst also lowering your expectations of him. 'I told you I'm bad at buying presents!', 'I told you I'm lazy' etc etc.

I wouldn't date someone like this because I look for a partner, not a project.

DallasOMalley · 2020-07-13T04:05:56+00:00

This is also something a covert narcissist (google it) would do. So yes, could be a red flag, but hard to say for sure without more info on the guy.

YarikEnterprise · 2020-07-13T04:59:43+00:00

I'd view it as a yellow flag for potential maladaptive perfectionism or low self-esteem.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-07-13T01:57:30+00:00

I think we need more details. But I don't like guy saying he's lazy. That is LV.

burpleseaurchin · 2020-07-14T11:28:42+00:00

In my experience, guys are rarely truly humble unless they are actually killing it, in which case it's pretty obvious they are being humble. Usually when a guy tells you he's lazy (or whatever bad thing he says) and he doesn't seem out of the ordinary, that's because he IS lazy. Remember, unlike women men are NOT socialized to be overly "socially submissive" and downplay themselves. It's pretty rare ime for men to be humble for no reason, but ESPECIALLY around a woman he likes. (I could believe it if he weren't interested in you.)

Also, as another comment said, he's very likely to eventually start negging you as his ego eventually won't be able to take it anymore. One of my self deprecating LVM eventually did that, and it came out about 8 months into the relationship. Big waste of time.

sikulet · 2020-07-13T10:44:58+00:00

My ex said he was always left behind by his exes. Now I don’t wonder why. Listen girl. Please

Title	Is this a red flag?
Author	paperbagskirt
Upvotes	45
Comments	19
Date	July 13, 2020 1:55 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hq6mwz/is_this_a_red_flag/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/is-this-a-red-flag.712591 https://theredarchive.com/post/712591

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