The implications of this seemingly mild, pleasant, good-faith and helpful statement are insidious.

  • The burden is on you to ask.

  • That he won't lift a finger or use a brain cell or expend one ounce of consideration for you until you ask. He doesn't care, doesn't think of you, and he won't.

  • The burden is on you to think of the logistics, what you want, how and when you want it. It's mental-load-dumping. He's telling you to consider yourself. You may as well buy your own gifts, too.

  • He's not going to look around and see what needs to be done on his own.

  • You're not getting kind treatment or consideration because you didn't ask. The blame is on you.

  • That you haven't asked before.

  • That you didn't ask correctly before. You didn't explain it well enough, make him understand, or make him take you seriously. You didn't tell him how his neglect makes you feeeel.

  • That if you asked, he'd actually do it.

  • That he'll remember what you asked and repeat it again in the future.

  • That he wants to be asked and reminded. As if this won't rapidly turn into seething resentment and calling you a nag.

We all know none of this is true.

He does not want to be asked.

A HVM would never tell you to tell him when, how, why and what to do to treat you well. He'd be considerate on his own. He'd think of you on his own. He'd make attempts, he'd learn what you like, and he'd want to treat you well so that you never have to ask. He'd be embarrassed if you had to beg for respect, consideration or kind treatment. Being micromanaged would be shameful. If he sat on the couch while chaos swirled around him he'd be horrified.

If a man sits on his ass with a stupid smile on his face and tells you to “just ask”, ask him to pack his shit and figure out how he fucked up while he drives home.