So I want to address a couple of things generally and also specifically. We talk a lot about “block him” strategies to dealing with toxic/abusive/manipulative behavior but I want to address why we should block and what it accomplishes.

So first of all, we all know pretty intuitively for men that “all attention is good attention”. Being seen is validating and reinforcing. Especially for men who think any communication means that it’s an opening for them to achieve their goals: to control, trap, trick, twist, charm or otherwise get you back into a place where they can “manage” you. They do this because it works. Often they can lure us back into fights or discussions, play on our emotions and get you back to where they want you (namely, in their control).

That’s why blocking is the most important tool. It deprives them of what they want most: your attention and access to your politeness and empathy. Women are conditioned to be understanding and “see both sides”, men are not conditioned for this but they know you are and will use it to their advantage, often by acting like the victim or acting like you cutting them off “hurts” them.

So don’t negotiate with terrorists. Don’t trick yourself onto believing you can change him. This is as true of IRL men as it is OLD potential suitors and online trolls. You won’t change him or convince him: he has to change himself. We reinforce the efficacy of their toxic behaviors when we engage with them, and as a gender we need to become practitioners of being ruthless with our attention, and make mental space with the good, beautiful things of this world.

More specifically: There are videos going around from one male bashing r/Femaledatingstrategy and r/pinkpillfeminism. I’m not going to link them but they’re both made by the same a man and I’ve seen him bragging about his view counts and every view we give him, even to mock or criticism him, is a “win” to someone like that. This is a dangerous, unstable man making pathetic content and feeling powerful doing so, and we should not view or fuel his ego by even clicking links.

In the same way that we are judicious about who we give our time and energy to IRL, we need to have that same judiciousness with the media and subreddit content that we consume because for moids, engagement and “views” is tacit approval and fuels their hatred. Arguing with men makes them feel like they’ve won because they get off to the idea of calling us horrible things, and engaging with them privately allows them the opportunity to do that. There is no winning. Best case scenario, he feels he’s intellectually bested you or “gotten under your skin” because you defended yourself against his big strong intellect 🙄. Worst case scenario, he doxxes you and puts you in real danger. There’s no winning with them. Engaging is an automatic loss, and it’s exactly what they want.

I’m writing this as much for myself as anyone else, as I get sucked into the hatred and it makes me edgy and bitter if I’m not careful. Lately when I find myself getting drawn into the toxicity, I immediately open a book or my journal, or put on some lotion or stand up and time my house, anything to get me out of the headspace. Whatever has your attention controls you. Protect your attention and surround yourself with beautiful things and you’ll continue to become a HV woman ❤️