Left my abuser but I want to go back? Please help me make sense of this

edoth · 2021-11-27T01:26:35+00:00

You won’t become stable living at home i recently cut my mom of too for throwing liquor bottles in my face and gaslighting me it’s really hard but you can do it you can get through this I don’t know what to do about you almost becoming homeless I’m so sorry all of this happened

whiskey_and_oreos · 2021-11-27T01:41:54+00:00

I am thinking of going back home until I can get stable again.

You can't get stable in that environment. And now that you've escaped once, she'll make it that much harder the next time you try to leave, not to mention deepening the trauma bond caused by her lovebombing upon your return.

And how do I apply FDS principles to my own mom?

FDS principles are for vetting and blocking and deleting if they fail the vetting process. There's no middle ground to be found here where you can control for her emotions/reactions if you set boundaries.

I'm sorry, truly. I went no contact with my own mother years ago and it's not something you ever really get over.

You might find more assistance in the sidebar of subs like r.raisedbynarcissists, they've compiled all kinds of resources for finding shelter and getting your documents.

pathalienation · 2021-11-27T01:52:28+00:00

First, know that this is super normal. Every single one of us who has been abused has periods of wanting to go back to our abuser. Especially when it is our mother, whom we already have such a natural bond with. Abuse creates incredibly strong bonds, sometimes stronger than addiction bonds. Know that your response is normal.

Then, be kind to yourself. Comfort yourself, this is super tough.

It sounds like you are in the US. If you can share your location or create another account to do so, sharing your state and or city may help you find resources here.

You can keep going. Nothing is as hard as going back to abuse. Big hugs, Sis.

spicychickentendr · 2021-11-27T02:24:40+00:00

This is very understandable, what you are going through. I don’t think I would’ve been able to have been as strong as you are when leaving an abusive parent if not for having another home to go to. You are committing the best act of self-love, despite the intense struggle. Trust me. You are an incredibly strong woman - musing whether to go back does not change any aspect of your brevity.

Sadly. As someone had stated, if you go back, things will be worse and she will make it more difficult for you to leave, the next time.

Let us know where you are located - I can find you local resources for housing, support, employment, etc. as much as I can.

qwaliY · 2021-11-27T12:32:02+00:00

I just left a similar situation, my mum was emotionally and verbally abusive, and over the pandemic it ramped up to physical abuse where she attacked and strangled me, I stayed for a year and made a plan to get out, that year in which I stayed was the worst year of my life in terms of my physical and mental health, I was smokijg about 4 blunts a day just to deal with the stress and I stopped eating almost completely- I ended up just going to uni last minute since in the UK they pay for your housing, but I defo think about going back since I have survivors guilt bcs I had to leave my nana in that situation and I owe my mum money bcs my loan came in late.

You're incredibly strong for making it out on you're own, and as the others said, you won't be able to get stable in her house, it'll just destabilise you even more. The first month being out is probably the hardest, bcs your dealing with the trauma of everything that happened to you, as well as trying to survive. I just moved out in October and I'm still struggling, I imagine it's even harder for you. Feel free to DM or anything if you wanna talk and if you have a gofundme or anything drop the link.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-11-27T16:31:56+00:00

I had to move back in with my emotionally abusive and mentally ill mother to get back on my feet a few years ago and it was difficult to say the least. I'm not sure of your circumstances if this might be possible, but treating it like a hotel was how I barely made it through. I was out of the house as much as possible, but that still didn't stop my mental health from eroding during that time. I didn't realize when I was in it, only afterwards. Again, only you know your unique circumstances and what might work, but if you could treat your mom's house like a hotel and gray rock, it could work. With your mom being physically abusive, this still poses a large risk to your safety and sanity.

Not sure if this might be helpful, but seeking a live-in au pair (nanny) job could be a practical option because it would include housing as well as money. Best to use an agency to ensure it's all legit.

JadeBaby2211 · 2021-11-27T18:12:31+00:00

To this day, I want to talk to my mom even though it would be dangerous for me to do so. You had to develop thus type of amnesia in order to survive my childhood. You can dream about contacting her, but know that you are physically safe by staying away.

Sewud · 2021-11-27T13:18:10+00:00

Would she even have you? My mom's not so bad, she has lots of money, but she wouldn't have me live in her home, because she doesn't believe in adult children living with parents.

Emma_Lemma_108 · 2021-11-29T18:28:54+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. Are you able to work at all? Businesses are literally desperate for employees right now, so you might be able to arrange something that includes enough pay to get you on your feet and even shelter/some food in the meantime. I suggest going to women-owned small businesses for this sort of arrangement. I’ve seen it done before, which is why I mention it, but I understand if it sounds too out there (or out of touch).

If you must go back, please please PLEASE formulate a defense plan. Think of ways to evade, outsmart, and physically defend yourself. Let your mother’s family and any other contacts know the situation if they are not also abusers.

Additionally, try to find out a way to contact social services in your area and ask them to assign you a social worker. They are assigned to adults as well as minors, and they can work with you and help you develop a plan for getting out of this situation.

Here are some links that you might find useful:

https://www.usa.gov/state-social-services

https://www.preventfamilyviolence.org/adult-protective-services-numbers

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.google.com/search?q=network+against+domestic+violence&rlz=1CDGOYI_enUS933US934&oq=network+agains&aqs=chrome.0.0i512l2j69i57j46i20i175i199i263i512j0i512j46i175i199i512.4679j0j4&hl=en-US&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

^ This is just to demonstrate that most states have a network of help (including people willing to provide shelter and food) for victims of domestic violence. Searching by state will likely yield relevant results.

Title	Left my abuser but I want to go back? Please help me make sense of this
Author	ForeverHoney
Upvotes	150
Comments	25
Date	November 27, 2021 1:10 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r31khb/left_my_abuser_but_i_want_to_go_back_please_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/left-my-abuser-but-i-want-to-go-back-please-help.1086363 https://theredarchive.com/post/1086363

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