Sexual coercion

2340000 · 2020-05-13T00:07:47+00:00

Sexual coercion is formally categorized as domestic violence.

I've been there, and I completely empathize. Abusers rely on being childlike and seemingly non-threatening. Him saying "that you don't have to" was to cause confusion and make it appear as if you hadn't initially said no. You said no SEVERAL TIMES. He just didn't want to accept no.

He does this intentionally. All this rub me bullsh%!, is manipulative and indicative of the lowlife, crap he is! He feels safe abusing you because he knows (by experience) how you'll react. And, trust that he relies on instilling fear to keep you compliant. Classic narcissist 101. Use fear and then pretend he's harmless. Nah, sis. He. Is. TRASH.

OP, rest assured he will try and escalate. You must leave him immediately.

P.S.------ Don't be hard on yourself. FDS will not make you perfect. It's supposed to be a dating aid. It doesn't mean you will be forever immune to men's abuse/LV ways. It helps you know the signs and learn how to leave. At the end of the day you're human. And each day is a learning experience. Doesn't matter if you're a disciple or a newbie, we all have our challenges.

thruAblue-eyedhaze · 2020-05-13T00:57:09+00:00

Please leave. If I had left my fiance when he had started this exact type of sexual coercion behavior, instead of telling myself I was being overly sensitive, I wouldn't have been a victim of him violently raping me months later when I just had major surgery and couldn't defend myself even tho I fought tooth and nail. This happened 4 1/2 months ago. I would never wish where my mental health is at now on anyone. I have to take pills just to not constantly have panic attacks. I break down crying randomly at work when the flashbacks start replaying in my head. I'm on sleep medication cause I can't sleep without it and all my doors now have 4 different locks that I check obsessively every time I open or close the door. It's humiliating and makes me feel so stupid and weak. I saw the signs, I made excuses for them, and now I'm paying a terrible price. There is nothing I can say more than I would be happy to know the price I am now paying, can somehow prevent another women from paying it as well.

keepsgettinbetter · 2020-05-13T00:51:54+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened to you, with someone you cared about and trusted.

He wore you out, wore down your defenses. One analogy a friend used was, “If you went to a store and they had a closed sign up, would you bang on the door? Beg for them to let you in? Smash in their window with a brick? No, you’d check back another time.” I say this not to compare a woman’s body to a store, but to show that any reasonable person would accept a “closed” sign as something to take seriously, yet so many men try to force women to “open” themselves to them even when they clearly don’t want to do anything sexual.

You have the right to say no, and he violated that. Do not beat yourself up for eventually “agreeing” to sex - so often in domestic situations, us women find it easier to just go along with the man’s desires and get it over with. We do this to keep ourselves safe, to avoid worse consequences. If you had said no over and over, he might have gotten angry and more aggressively threatened your relationship, your emotional well-being, or even your physical safety. You did what you felt was best for you at the time, and I hope you can forgive yourself for that. You did the right thing by asking for space afterward.

It is horrifying to read about how he gaslighted you. I’ve had this happen to me, as well. These coercive men will be all about consent, reassuring you that it’s okay to say no. But they just use those “loving” words to make you feel comfortable, not because they actually care about your consent. They turn around and act incredulous when you dare to actually take him up on his offer of consent. His words say, “it’s okay to not want sex!” yet his actions were pushy, violating, and uncaring. Look at his actions and your gut feeling about them: you know that what he did was wrong. You can feel it in your body when someone violates you. Listen to that feeling and allow it to continue guiding you toward safe and healthy situations.

I hope you know that this was not your fault, and I wish you safety and peace in the future.

radical__daphne · 2020-05-13T03:42:15+00:00

This is rape. Giving in to nagging isn't consent. He will only get worse. Please leave him.

2020-05-13T03:15:58+00:00

You’re being gaslit. He keeps denying reality to make you think you’re overreacting and what he is doing is fine. It’s not fine. Is this the man you want to marry? How is he going to protect you when he is the one abusing you?

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You don’t deserve it. You are worth more.

Verysoftbun · 2020-05-13T06:53:06+00:00

[deleted]

eden_else · 2020-05-13T07:30:32+00:00

You said no but he didn't stop till you were crying.

That's not love, that's rape. You would never do that to him. So why does he think it's ok to do that to you? Because he's gaslighting you to minimise his own responsibility. He ignores "no". You'd be much much safer if he was never allowed back in your flat again.

ModernDayOracle · 2020-05-13T09:20:26+00:00

Oh hon, I'm so sorry. Yes, this is sexual coercion, and it's ugly and leaves you feeling confused and awful. You've been abused by someone you were supposed to be able to trust, who used your existing intimacy and closeness to manipulate you into doing what he wanted, against your consent, and who then turned the blame back on you through gaslighting. No wonder you're feeling like shit.

Here's the thing, he can be perfect outside of the bedroom, but if he disrespects your agency and your consent like that, the relationship is not a good one. Do you have someone you can talk to IRL? A friend, or even better, a therapist? These are big issues to work through, you don't need to do it alone. FDS is here for you too ❤️

BabyGothQ · 2020-05-13T10:31:51+00:00

You are completely correct and honestly it’s refreshing to see a post like this. Obviously, I’m so sorry that this boy has been gaslighting you and abusing your body.

It’s just that a lot of women have simply accepted that this is just how it is and even when they know it’s wrong, they sort of shrug, say “that sucks.” and slowly break up or move on. Or don’t.

But no, this is a form a rape.

It’s not normal, it’s not okay. This is far from normal, but it happens to so. fucking. many. of us that it’s hardly talked about in the way you have here OP. I flat out told my ex that he was raping me. I said it multiple times. He knows. But I was safe to say that, I knew I was.

Whatever you do, however you feel, make sure that you put your safety first and foremost. I’m so proud of you for kicking that disgusting person out of your space and recognizing this for what it is. Take care of yourself. Put yourself first.

lickyblickyuhh · 2020-05-13T13:58:43+00:00

He is continuing to have sex with you knowing that you don’t want to! That is incredibly serious and absolutely disgusting please LEAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY!

Verysoftbun · 2020-05-13T17:20:01+00:00

I couldn't read this all as it was too upsetting but yes that's coercion. Even if he stopped after. He still coerced you to start even if he didn't coerce you to finish.

Salty-Tomorrow · 2020-05-14T04:56:49+00:00

I just want to say thank you for sharing and I’m here for you!!! I’ve been in that place, noticing all the little thing you let slide, so I just want to remind you it does you no good to beat yourself up for this! It is 100% his fault, and you have successfully removed yourself from the situation. You got this 💪🏼❤️

Title	Sexual coercion
Author	throwthemanaway2020
Upvotes	64
Comments	32
Date	May 12, 2020 10:58 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gimili/sexual_coercion/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/sexual-coercion.676305 https://theredarchive.com/post/676305

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