Unfortunately asked him out for drinks as a first date... How can I change the dynamic from cool girl who gets drinks late with him to his future queen?

artinthesun · 2020-01-02T07:47:34+00:00

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idiosyncraticg1 · 2020-01-02T07:44:02+00:00

There’s only been one date. Don’t overthink it.

Since you said the ball is still in your court, there’s no harm in asking for a second date but this is the last time you’re doing this. But with all honestly, I would wait a few days and see if he asks you out or messages you first. If he expects you to do all the work that’s a red flag.

When he messages you first, you could write something like “it would be nice to go for dinner this/next week. Want to pick a date and place?”. This subtly makes him work for it. If he doesn’t, girl, he’s not a HVM. He’s a surgeon with either a large ego or he’s not into you.

Keep us updated!

eru378 · 2020-01-02T12:43:46+00:00

You've gotten some excellent advice here. I want to add/reiterate that you seem extremely excited about this guy and that's understandable, but you need to rein it in. It's easy to be impressed by a man with a prestigious career but remember that that in itself doesn't make him high value. High value is about, amongst other things, a man's behaviour towards you - like is he pursuing you enthusiastically and respectfully? Is he showing initiative in planning dates? Does he truly listen to you? Is he showing investment in you by paying on dates? Stop thinking about him as a "HVM that I'm sure many women want" - you are implicitly giving him a huge amount of power over you when you put him on this pedestal. If he wants you he'll come to you, and - as you recognise - doing pick-me things will only degrade you. YOU are the prize, not him. I know it's super early days here and you're in a slightly tricky situation, so imo let him know you're back in town and tell him you'd like to see him again, and then let him take the initiative to plan your next outing. There are lots of posts here with examples of ways to word messages to steer a man towards doing the planning. No more sex chat, don't go to his place or yours afterwards. You can definitely turn the situation around, good luck!

globetrottinggal · 2020-01-02T09:54:23+00:00

All careers have pros and cons. He's obviously brilliant and hardworking if he's a surgeon. But... another way of seeing his job is that he's going to be working long hours and handling high levels of stress. People who are very successful make sacrifices in other areas of their lives, and many men at good at their jobs and bad at relationships. Don't be dazzled by his career, but listen to how you feel when you're around him. He has to prove that he's worth the time he will be physically and emotionally unavailable to you.

Matched with a successful entrepreneur on OLD, and I was an anxious wreck. I googled him before we went out and read all these interviews/articles that had been published about him and his business. It took me a few weeks to realize that he's just a person, no better or worse than me, and that his job actually could make a relationship difficult. Long hours, traveling throughout the year, and lots of stress (which he managed well, but it was stress nevertheless). FDS helped me gain more confidence, and I was actually the one who ended things with him. He was nice and treated me well, but his work always came first.

PMed you. You deserve someone smart and successful, but more important, someone who makes you feel like the queen you are.

AverageToHot · 2020-01-03T08:15:12+00:00

If he wants to ask you out, he’ll do so. Don’t stress about it. You can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. Literally let him initiate everything from this point on.

jewdy09 · 2020-01-02T07:51:48+00:00

It’s very hard to date someone who has such a demanding schedule. You will become resentful if he doesn’t always prioritize you for his limited free time. My father was a doctor and every single time we tried to do something when he was on-call, he would have to bail. Your dude makes a ton of money, but you have to decide if you prefer a life of leisure or spending time with your partner. Unless he performs elective surgery, he will never have a normal schedule.

cherieblosum · 2020-01-02T16:39:16+00:00

How is he a HVM? Just because he's a surgeon? Because right now I don't see anything High Value about him. Is he pursuing you? Courting you? Or is he just trying to bang?

teeteereads · 2020-01-02T10:20:40+00:00

I love your energy ^{_^} cause you come off so sweet! But GORL don’t overthink it. And definitely break the habit of assigning men as HV before they’ve even proven anything. As far as what I’ve read you had a conversation about sex and he didn’t try to sleep with you. Is that HV or just some basic decency? If you want to make sure you’re feeling secure with an interest try to open a conversation about darinf boundaries. Cause if you don’t have any... we can imagine what a man would do.

If it’s meant to work out it will. Also, I don’t think because you initiated (after a few drinks and encouragement from friends, mind you. You sorta blamed yourself for that :/ though it wasn’t a bad thing at all) that he’s going to keep expecting you to assert. If you said you’d let him know when your back, communicate this and leave it at that. At the very least, you should let your actions match what you said you’d do because I’m sure you’d want that reciprocated. If he wants to see you again, he’ll let you know.

Also keep busy while you may have to wait. You’ll be real mad if you spent too much time fawning after him and he ends up being a whole stack of garbage.

Dry-Attitude · 2020-01-02T23:29:38+00:00

Just be busy with other dates (even if they are manicure dates for urself, take yourself to a movie). Use the word "date". You have already set the precedent, he might think you are sexually aggressive and casual since you approached him AND asked for drinks (this is what men think). So if he can't see you, AND YOU ARE busy with REAL DATES, he will get the message. Then see what he plans-is he asking you to dinner at 6 on Saturday or Thursday cocktails near your place at 9

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