I was at a cafe today when a man strolled in with his preschooler. The child was being annoying in a way that would have stopped if his dad put away the phone and interacted with his kid. If he had been a woman, I would have given the benefit of the doubt: we’re generally expected to do everything without complaint, much less act like we’re people with our own needs. I feel that some women might really be getting one of their few breaks in their day by checking their phones.

At some point, the boy decided he was hurt. If you’ve spent a lot of time around kids, you know what this is like: maybe there was a sliver of crust on his sandwich, or the cheese didn’t taste like the Kraft singles they have at home. He wasn’t hurt-hurt, but upset-hurt.

Just as I was preparing for a whole lot of inattention, his dad asked, “What’s wrong? Come here” and opened his arms. The child walked over, snuggled in, nestled against his dad’s chest, and started to tell him.

It seemed small and obvious, but most kids I know wouldn’t react that way to somebody they don’t feel bonded to. It made me think of this group, and that this is something to aim for if you want kids: somebody who will be a dad, get to know his kids and how to comfort them. A man who has spent time, not just changing diapers and “babysitting” while his wife is at Target, but building a relationship made of trust.