When or how do I disclose past cheating?

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-07-27T23:19:13+00:00

You don't. Just don't do it again in the future.

heleninthealps · 2020-07-27T23:27:40+00:00

Agreed with the first two commenters. You don't. It has nothing to do with the new relationship. As long as you didn't get a life long transmittable STD from it he will never be affected by it, so why put yourself in that light? If you have worked on it great but no need to then parade this red flag to a new potential partner.

electroloop · 2020-07-27T23:22:10+00:00

It’s only your forth date, and you want to disclose something that could potentially destroy a relationship from flourishing? It’s your past; you’ve been to therapy and learned from your mistakes.

Don’t disclose this sentiment from your past. I know you mean well, but it will cause some serious trust issues once this relationship progresses.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-07-27T23:28:28+00:00

Why do people feel the need to reveal super personal things about themselves? It almost feels like they do it because they want the person to know how bad they were, but they are no longer that person. Or maybe they hope this will make the other person also reveal some past wrongdoings. And then everyone sighs in relief because we’ve been accepted.

I’m stating this bluntly because he doesn’t validate you. You validate yourself because you’re no longer that person. It doesn’t benefit anyone to know about your past. It doesn’t benefit you especially, because you’ll be judged for the past, and you can’t change it. So why bother? Just continue living your elevated self.

I moved away from my hometown when I was 18. When I go back, people still judge me on that 18 year self. They don’t know I have two degrees (one a Master’s) or that I make 6 figures or that I help people in my line of work. All they see is a past version of myself. And they get mad when I don’t act accordingly. I’m not that person and neither are you. Be well.

oathmilk · 2020-07-28T00:07:03+00:00

Do not ever give a man info about your past that he can use against you later.....

venomous_g · 2020-07-28T00:01:45+00:00

What's the point of sharing this information? It isn't life altering info, like you have an STD or something. You just cheated, and so what? Leave it in the past. Oh, and don't go into great detail (or any detail at all) about the therapy and self work you've done to be healthier. That's your business, protect it.

purasangria · 2020-07-28T01:55:42+00:00

Do. Not. Disclose. This.

Ever.

Sage_Planter · 2020-07-27T23:24:41+00:00

Do you interact with the former partner you cheated on? Do you have other friends or family who might disclose that information? Does your cheating have any major impact on your life (like how you co-parent with your ex)?

It might be too early to disclose that information, however, others could possibly do it for you. I broke up with a man (granted, a NVM) who lied about his cheating because of how it still impacted his actions on a daily basis.

DallasOMalley · 2020-07-28T01:30:47+00:00

Keep it to yourself. The important thing is whether you've done the emotional work to understand why you chose to cheat, and you know how to avoid repeating that mistake.

I think the bigger question here is, why do you feel the need to tell him at all? He's not a priest; he's just a not-awful man you've been on four dates with.

Hhjjuuy · 2020-07-28T09:31:17+00:00

Say 10 hail marys and get over that shit.

_Atalanta_ · 2020-07-28T14:02:25+00:00

What! No, why would you mention this!? It is in the past, none of his business. You will just give him leverage to control you. If you have really made peace it is not relevant

goatismycopilot · 2020-07-28T16:08:04+00:00

Don't tell him.

findnbalance · 2020-07-28T02:21:31+00:00

Okay, so i’m having a debate with a friend about this exact thing, and i’m wondering why we would choose to not disclose this information? She says that it’s naive to think that past history won’t affect future relationships whether you talk about them or not, and she would tell the person in the interest of being honest and having nothing off the table rather than for just validation. I’m very torn on this, given that i have history myself. I want to be able to be 100% open and honest with a future partner, but don’t want that layer of distrust and anxiety to be added to the relationship if i’m otherwise changed and leveled up.

daisy_0720 · 2020-07-28T07:36:06+00:00

If he asks you, be honest.

But don't bring it up if you don't need to.

FeistyDish · 2020-07-28T11:08:49+00:00

[deleted]

Title	When or how do I disclose past cheating?
Author	FeistyDish
Upvotes	18
Comments	34
Date	July 27, 2020 3:36 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hyuiau/when_or_how_do_i_disclose_past_cheating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/when-or-how-do-i-disclose-past-cheating.718847 https://theredarchive.com/post/718847

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