I know there have been other posts recently about this topic, but I hope there is still something useful to be gained discussing this issue and this post isn't perceived as needlessly retreading previously covered ground. On a personal level I found writing this quite therapeutic as well, as it's not something I really feel comfortable discussing with anyone in any other context.

I had the misfortune this past weekend to spend 4 days and 3 nights in hospital with one of my children who had received a very serious diagnosis (but is thankfully mostly recovered now). It was easily one of the most stressful and exhausting experiences in my and my family's lives.

I had a short break each day in which I loaded up a pram with toys, clothes and other personal items to transport things to and from the car, drove home for a shower, then back with a fresh load so my partner could head home. Each time I left the paediatrics ward, my guard came down, and I often found myself quite emotional on this long walk. I saw the awkward embarrassed looks, the people veering out of my way and even the occasional smirk from passers by in the hospital. I would think this is probably nothing new or unexpected for any man who has displayed strong emotions in public. I didn't give much thought to these reactions at the time, partly because it wasn't unexpected and partly because I was too deep in my own stress.

On my last trip, it happened to me in a lift, and after the other occupants started a pointedly loud conversation and awkwardly shuffled out past me, I arrived at my floor to see my partner standing there as the doors opened, before I'd had a chance to pull myself together. With the best of intentions and trying to comfort me, she told me how she'd been feeling the exact same way on these trips and having similar episodes. She was extremely thankful for how wonderfully supportive passers by had been, and how every time she'd been visibly upset, someone had stopped to check on her, or to help her out with loading the car or just to tell her things will be ok, you're in the right place. I didn't really have the capacity or think it was helpful to share how different my experience had been.

The gulf between each of our experiences was so unexpectedly cutting. A particular sting was that I considered that each of us pushing a pram loaded with a child's personal items suggested very strongly we were upset for our child rather than ourselves.

I find myself now wondering about all the ways and times this might be affecting our lives that we don't even realise, what opportunities we miss, or particularly how this phenomenon might echo through and impact our dependants. I wouldn't have even considered it had my partner not told me about her experience. I know the empathy gap is a fairly well researched area insofar as systemic issues like the treatment of IPV victims, school grades and allocation of social welfare resources, but it's the impact of the more subtle day to day background things that I find myself considering now that I don't think I've seen covered before. I'm wondering about things like the potential cumulative impact on rates of depression, our personal capacity for resiliency, or even how our dependants are perceived or treated, or any number of other things we can't easily gauge. I'm curious to hear other peoples opinions on this topic, particularly if there are some insights into some of those more subtle background things that affect our day to day lives invisibly, or if this aspect actually has been researched in some depth and I've missed it.

Thanks for reading.