If you’re in a dead or lacking bedroom, you don’t have the power to survive an argument. Your spouse is essentially telling you that they don’t find you attractive as you do them. They don’t think of you as often, they don’t desire you as much. They likely have less respect for you than you do them as well. In other words, your spouse holds the power in your relationship. They are more willing to walk away.

This will impact everything in your relationship. They’ll be less willing to listen or compromise. They’ll be less appreciative. They’ll have a shorter fuse, higher standards, less interest in intimacy, and less to bring to the table. You’ll seem to constantly be messing up. You may face anger, the silent treatment, neglect, and other poor treatment. They have the power. They are the prize right now, not you. They are higher value. Your treatment reflects your standing in the house.

This can fuel a lot of hurt, resentment, and anger on your end. It can lead you to lash out, hold grudges, or endlessly try to communicate your needs and wants. You can be as objectively right about your grievances as you want, but NONE OF THIS WILL HELP. If you communicate your needs from a losing position, here’s what you’ll face instead:

  1. Empty promises to shut you up, but no real change

  2. Your partner getting angry in turn at your audacity for saying this

  3. Your partner accusing you of being too emotional, sensitive, needy, etc.

  4. Your partner ignoring you or otherwise being a brick wall to your feelings

  5. Your partner saying they’re already doing that, never did anything wrong, etc.

What you WILL NOT GET is the caring and effort of an equally interested partner. YOU WON’T. You’ll only make yourself even less attractive in their eyes, especially because they will now know that you have needs/wants that they aren’t meeting, and yet you stay. It communicates low value and desperation. In addition, difficult conversations will make your relationship more of a burden and stressor, rather than a fun escape and partnership. You will associate negative emotions with your presence. Impacting attraction, yet again.

You can’t talk your way into respect and attraction. As long as that’s lacking, your needs and wants will not be treated the way you wish they would be. Your mission should be to work on yourself and then evaluate where the relationship stands after some time. See how she is treating you when you are objectively leveled up and more confident, when you have options, and when your behavior communicates that you have standards without you having to say a word. When you have equal attraction and, thus, equal footing and power in this relationship.

When you’re on this new equal footing, you may not even be dealing with the issues that hurt you so much now, or may have a different perspective on them. If you still have issues with her, you can then bring up some concerns and expect them to be taken seriously because you know your worth and so does she. However, you will do nothing but sink further by starting a serious conversation or argument from a losing position, no matter how you feel or why. Focus on you and STFU.