First post here, please go easy. If there's an answer in the literature I'll be glad to have a pointer.

In general I think I manage to maintain frame during most interactions with my wife but there is one situation we run into every few weeks which I'm at a loss as to how to handle.

It will typically start with some small squabble. I usually manage these just fine and straighten her out with a joke or occasionally a direct refutation. Over the years she's gone from hamstering to recognizing her own shit-testing impulse and apologizing immediately, which is gratifying, e.g. "you never take me out and you never pick new places" "yeah, I guess I haven't- since LAST TUESDAY, which I picked and you enjoyed, remember?" "oh, yeah. sorry. I guess I'm just unhappy about X" .

Sometimes though, the hormones (or something) are too strong and she'll force a quarrel. I can see it coming, but I can't shut it down. Rational responses just add fuel to the fire, as does humor. The goal is simply to get me angry. It doesn't work. In that situation I naturally just want to walk away and let her bawl it out without wasting my time.

But- she won't let me. She physically won't let me. I could probably overpower her (not a guarantee - she also lifts and we are both lapsed martial artists) - but then I'd be in a physical confrontation and risk committing domestic violence. So I just have to stand there and deal with it. Over the years I've become better at burning through the anger stage and getting to the bottom of whatever's wrong and resolving it. It nearly always ends with an apology on her part. She actually can't bear to let me leave (e.g. on the occasions this happens when I'm leaving for work) without resolving whatever the issue is. Which is sweet and proves to me I ultimately have the upper hand in these confrontations, but it's still far from optimal.

Does anyone know of strategies to defuse the insanity more efficiently, or eliminate it altogether?

What do others do when they are physically restrained from walking away from a pointless argument?

I strongly suspect that logging these events on a calendar would reveal a pattern, so perhaps I just need to nail her a bit more often in the run-up to the next meltdown.

EDIT follow up in case anyone stumbles across this again.

Thanks everyone for the replies. There was some ... interesting .. advice there. I especially liked the ones suggesting I physically molest and then rape my wife. Nope.

It happened once more recently, and I realized where I was going wrong - letting the argument start in the first place. I'm pretty good at avoiding nonsense arguments but she catches me out from time to time. Practice makes perfect. LifeChoiceReflector - your answer was spot on, thanks.