I am going to be creamed for this, but I deserve it. Here goes. In my family, white, Midwestern, Protestant family, the women have usually been the more successful ones. I think this is because the women usually chose to marry a guy "beneath" them so they can feel superior. Anyway, I had a boy. People were disappointed he was a boy. Later, I has a girl, fine. Then I got pregnant again. My oldest was 6 yrs old, daughter was 4. When it came out that I was having a boy, my sisters and my mother demanded that I abort. They would say I have every right, because he has a defective chromosome. They would go on to say that the Y chromosome is missing something. I was shocked when my grandma made the defective Y chromosome remark, although she never suggested abortion. I was left crying much of the time. I folded under the pressure and ended the pregnancy. Meaning, I ended my son's life. I knew I did something terrible, and became horribly depressed and even tried to commit suicide. Then I went on and had two more boys, and withstood their pressure. Then I did it again. I was 35 yrs old, and did it again! Later, I did have a baby girl at 41 yrs old. I barely see my mother or sisters now. I hate them almost as much as I hate myself. But on the girl, I did not tell anyone I was pregnant until weeks after I knew the gender. When my mom found out, thinking it was a boy, she went off on me. This is an educated woman who went to an Ivy League school. She really ripped in to me, so I turned off voicemail and did not take her calls, or my sisters'. Later, when she found out I was having a girl, she got very excited and even started sending gifts.

The end of this is, I hate myself. And I know from being on pregnancy boards, that I am not the only person who has been through this. People just don't talk about it.

I love my sons so much. I live my everyday, hating myself for what I did to my two little boys. It is rare that a day goes by where I don't think about my sons.

I have never shares this before. I have become prolife over this. But nothing will ever bring my sons back.