Ive been going through physical and mental abuse for 7 years during this hellish marriage. Just got some of it on video need advice

foxthewolf · 2014-07-08T13:56:35+00:00

First person to the lawyer wins. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS.

Go find a divorce attorney. Let the divorce attorney advise you on things like using the video and telling her you are seeking a divorce.

ModernLawMan · 2014-07-08T15:00:02+00:00

You will end up dead or in jail. Get out now. I cannot stress this enough.

No fucking excuses, when she's out pack up everything that means anything to you and get the fuck out. Divorce and CUT ALL TIES.

2014-07-08T15:08:17+00:00

Do not show anyone. Avoid the temptation to tell your wife how clever you are in capturing her on film. Play it cool. Get to a lawyer ASAP. If I had had the footage that you now have, I would be a much happier man now. Long story. But for reasons bigger than you and I , you must go see a lawyer ASAP. When it's all over is when you post the videos...

philosoraptor1000 · 2014-07-08T14:38:21+00:00

My advice is to not post this to the internet (it could be seen as immature). Go STRAIGHT to a divorce attorney. Let the attorney advise you on the proper route.

sillymod · 2014-07-08T16:14:31+00:00

I am not sure that we would let this video be posted here.

I wish all the support for you that this subreddit can muster, but this is an issue that you need to deal with in the court system. Separate yourself from the situation so that you can't be victimized any longer.

There are people in this world who have a "grass is greener" mentality, and are constantly looking for change. But the less often talked about group is those who fear change. These people will put up with abuse simply to avoid the uncertainty of something different. These are the people who are most often and most easily abused.

At the very least, seek out counselling. But beware that some counsellors have a propensity towards thinking men are the default abusers, so either avoid those counsellors or else show your counsellor the video. When finding a counsellor, you should consider the first experience like an interview - you are interviewing them to see if they can help you. Not all counsellors have the right skill set to help you with your problem.

Counsellors don't (well, aren't supposed to) tell you what to do or what to think, they help you make decisions for yourself - they give you the strength to empower you to make changes in your life that will make you happier. No change comes without willingness, anyways.

Your partner needs counselling, for sure. But that doesn't mean you don't, also. If you are unwilling to leave an abusive situation, then you clearly are in need of someone to help you find strength to deal with your situation. You should not feel weak or shameful for needing help - all people do, and we, as men, need to overcome the social stigma that says that we don't.

Legioneer · 2014-07-08T13:51:47+00:00

If the footage is clear, you can take this to court. This is definitely the sub for questions about this sort of thing, but please, even if you deem it "too cringy", take it to the police. They can help you.

foxthewolf · 2014-07-08T16:17:10+00:00

Ive got to say one thing. Everyone is telling me that im a fool its just as easy as one foot in front of the other. My choices are stay with my wife and still have a place to call a home which i need to keep the job that im paying to rent the place i call home. If i leave i have no family i do not make enough simply put down another rental desposit buy all the furniture and everything i need plus there are no other places near the job i have. Sure i can leave and go live at a homeless shelter but id rather get in fights all the time have a roof over my head internet even if i get a pan over the head once in a while. Yes she stabbed me once but has never picked up a knife since. I have no extended family that can help me. There are no shelters for battered men. Do you know what happend last time i pressed charges. My wife left with my wallat and all my money and went to antoher town. the police filed the report but becaues she was in a different city they coudlnt do anything but put out a warrant. I called the local dv shelter guess what they coudlnt help pay my rent but my good friends sister that same month had a dv situation and got her rent paid. So I finally started answering the calls again from my wife because living outside sucked and she gave me thsoe baby words on the phone and i came back. Now here i am again if i leave im homless and lose my job. if i stay i have a place to stay my computer internet but i gotta deal with nonstop yelling hitting and biting. I wish here were some kind of help for me but i guess there is not. Well at least i will never worry about starving ive packed on enough pounds. Anyway This is just a short piece of my life captured on video and this is nothing compared to some of the thing she does in public at the request of the moderators i wont post the video here. Cringe belongs in /r/cringe

foxthewolf · 2014-07-08T16:37:39+00:00

last time i tried to file a restraining order it got denied. Im starting to live with the fact that someday she may seriously injure me or even possibly kill me. Nothing short of a kickstarter miracle (like anyone would back abused men in a kickstarter) Im not trying to be a debbie downer but ive just accepted that this will be my life. Its not so bad if you think about all those starving children in africa and asia i could be alot worse off. But constant fear and the pstd i got from all the violence has taken its toll on me. It does feel better to vent on the internet though. I did post the video on /r/cringe as cringy domestic violence if you feel like forcing yourself to watch a video that makes you want to turn it off. Anyway thanks for all the advice ill try to stay as safe as i can. who knows maybe things will change for me in the future.

Karissa36 · 2014-07-08T16:27:48+00:00

The police aren't much help in a DV situation. If you tell me your State, I'll tell you how to get a DV restraining order that will kick her out of your home.

notmyuglyside · 2014-07-08T20:14:26+00:00

Do not make these videos public. Show them to your lawyer. Do not ever make them public, even after the divorce. You don't want to be that guy.

emoprairiedog · 2014-07-08T23:26:04+00:00

Dear foxthewolf. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. There. That woman can't be helped. Not by you. Not by anyone. Get out of there. Get another job and just leave. No need for a lawyer or anything. Just go. You guys dont have kids so its not that difficult. Just go. Anywhere is better than that. Take it from me. I've been there. After you sort all your shit up life will be bright. You will watch all the titties in the world, play videogames, all the good stuff. There's a bright future for you out there instead of being this bitch's bitch. just go and cut all contact and wank 100 times a day if that's what it takes for you to not fall again. After some time you'll be back in the game to date some new girl, you are a good talker so you have that going for you. Find a woman that doesn't need to make you her bitch to be happy. Man. I made it. It was fucking hard being poor and having a kid and paying a lawyer to be free. And it was fucking worth it. Now i can do whatever the hell i want without asking. I suck at dating but there are women willing to stay with me even when Im awkward cause at least im not a fucking manipulative douchebag sucking someones life. Just please go.

foxthewolf · 2014-07-08T13:58:12+00:00

I'm also hoping maybe someone here can recognize her problems because the doctors dont seem to be diagnosing her right. none of the meds work. I cant wear long sleaves anywhere because of all the bites bruises and bumps on my arms and watching the video i can really see how bad they look from a thrid person perspective.

foxthewolf · 2014-07-08T14:21:28+00:00

Just curious does anyone here actually have the desire to watch this? All i was hoping to do was spread that woman are abusive too. It does not matter how big you are i am 6ft6 and she is tiny but im helpless against her. I will sometimes restrain her when shes hitting or throwing things but then she screams bloody murder like shes dying. Maybe im just hoping if i post this and the public sees it they wil tell me how much of a dumbass i am for staying and i might actually listen. Many times before ive seperated but its always her threatening suicide and even threatening to prostitute herself to support herself if i dont come back. Anyway its about 80 percent uploaded and i am planning on posting it i looked up my state laws and as long as 1 of the people conversing in the video are aware its being recorded its fine to post publicly.

foxthewolf · 2014-07-08T15:27:53+00:00

i have a private video up right now with the face unblurred if anyone wants to see it msg me. just tell me if it belongs in /r/cringe cause thats what i get from it.

MRSPArchiver · 2014-07-08T13:30:18+00:00

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foxthewolf · 2014-07-08T14:49:39+00:00

5 more minutes ;/

foxthewolf · 2014-07-08T14:56:02+00:00

ok now its processing wow didnt realize it would take this long

mgtow4ever · 2014-07-08T17:09:28+00:00

Sarcasm I wonder what you did to deserve it.

gsettle · 2014-07-08T17:27:03+00:00

Take it to your lawyer and show him/her first.

ustael · 2014-07-08T18:24:00+00:00

Just got out of a similar situation here man. Stay strong. If you plan on using these videos, be sure that you do not have to let the other party in your know you are recording for your video to be admissible in court. One thing I found is that when my former SO was being belligerent and I told her I was recording her tirade, it did not stop the assault but did take it down a notch or two. I still have plenty of evidence in my pocket now. Get out of the situation as soon as you can. I know its rough, and as I found, she will most likely make it as rough as possible. Time to rally the troops for support mate. Know we are all here for you as much as we can, but get your family and friends. If they are not aware of what is going on, do what I did. Just stop trying to hide it. It's hard to realize, but I eventually after going to therapy for a while that my codependent behavior was causing me to hide the abuse (or so I thought). It turns out that most everyone knew or had an idea of what was going on. Once I stopped trying to keep it from the public eye, I found I had so many friends and family standing in my corner where I thought I stood alone. Plus, just the simple act of stopping the act of hiding the abuse from others will really show you how much of it you hide from yourself. If you can get counseling, I highly recommend it. Stand strong brother. Know that you, like nobody, deserves this.

intensely_human · 2014-07-08T20:57:11+00:00

Two things:

I wish you all the luck and fortitude in the world as you slowly reclaim your sense of autonomy after the abuse. It's hard, but it is possible to regain your power.
LAWYER. Before you publish the video. As a movement we don't accept sacrifice. Men sacrificing themselves for larger purposes is some bullshit that needs to end, so we can't let you put yourself in a legal bind just to "further the movement". Get a lawyer, don't be afraid to advocate for your desire to publish to get cultural results, but ultimately don't do anything they advise against. The law is tricky, and designed to destroy you. Putting this video up sounds like a dangerous move for you.

miroku000 · 2014-07-08T23:56:41+00:00

Have you checked whether or not it is illegal to record someone without their knowledge where you live? For example, in Florida, I think this is illegal. IANAL.

SarcastiCock · 2014-07-09T03:44:28+00:00

www.shrink4men.com show her the video.

Sir_Fancy_Pants · 2014-07-08T16:01:22+00:00

Personally, i would get a catalogue of evidence, then register my concerns with the police setting my intentions to leave or do whatever.

Then if she hits me again i would punch her back and really hurt her, if you go to the police with your evidence before the event it stands to your credit no end.

I.e going to the police formally registering your problem with evidence before you defend yourself will stop her playing the victim card and let any objective part see the reality.

Provided you have evidence you can strike your wife if she attacks you, and you can hit much harder than her.

I have never been hit by a partner and obviously never hit a partner, if i was hit i would male it very clear if they think they can cause physical pain because of frustration or anger or problems then, i will hurt them much harder in return and i will.

Provided you have the evidence they are the aggressor there is no problem punching her hard in return, a bully is a bully.

logrusmage · 2014-07-08T17:41:12+00:00

NO. BAD INTERNET PERSON. GO TO LAWYER WITH LAW DEGREE WHO WORKS AT LAW FIRM, NOT PUBLIC INTERNET FORUM.

Apologies for the cruise control but apparently this isn't getting through.

1independentmale · 2014-07-09T06:05:00+00:00

Perhaps this is terrible advice, but here's what I'd do if I was unable to leave the situation:

Buy and mount a visible camera or two in the home.
Tell her, "The next time you hurt me, I am going to defend myself. These cameras are here to protect me and to prove that I acted in self defense."
The next time she hurt me, I'd knock that bitch out completely fucking cold.

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