Changing for A Man

shitposterkatakuri · 2019-09-03T01:43:45+00:00

Just my 2¢ but I think changing depends. The “self” is pretty fluid. Ask someone if they’re the same person they were 5-10 years ago. The answer will almost always be an emphatic “no.” People change. Those who are clever accept that and choose to direct their change in ways that they want (aka growth) rather than being passively guided by the environment around them. Now that doesn’t mean you must be completely without identity. Choose your moral framework and your convictions. Choose what matters in life to you. Not what matters to other people who tell you “good job” or “oh you’re a loser.” Fuck them. You wanna have a family but your girlfriends think you’re a loser if you don’t work? Fuck them. You wanna change aspects of yourself to please a guy you love but your friend on her 3rd divorce says you’re being weighed down and constrained? Fuck her. Choose what brings you joy and purpose. You. Your fulfillment. Your values. Your convictions. Got those down? Good. Those are the walls for your sandbox. Now as for all the sand inside, that’s fluid in a sense. Changeable. Moldable. You can make yourself the best sand sculpture you can. And you can find a man who will sculpt you into the best masterpiece he can manage. You’ve got your constraints in the walls of your sandbox. You know who you are. The box defines you. Now don’t let anything else try to masquerade as your identity. Not job or others’ approval or grades or school or anything else that culture sells you. That’s not you. You are the constraints you’ve laid down. Everything else is changeable. Now change it into something you can be proud of. Find someone who loves you and wants to make you his greatest creation. Change, within aforementioned constraints to prevent mental dissonance, is good. It is how you grow. Just be cautious of unrestrained change. Sudden, violent shocks. Suddenly throwing away huge parts of what you love or care about or believe in because life gets scary or confusing. Don’t change for the sake of change. Progress is only progressive if something has become better. Change for the sake of change is merely chaos.

Be careful and intentional. You’ll be fine.

est-la-lune · 2019-09-03T03:54:25+00:00

For single women: don't change for one man. Change for the type of man you want.
Mostly psychological/behavioral. Unlearning codependency, improving communication skills, cultivating abundance, setting boundaries. But I also dove deep into my interests... cooking, coffee, music, fashion. I'm healthy and have a nice body, but I started exercising for the mental/physical boost.
I always knew who I was, but when I changed I became confident in who I am. I think the more chips fall into place, the easier it gets to make other positive changes. I'm happy, because I'm content with certain things and confident in my ability to change others. I'm single right now, but my interpersonal relationships improved and men treat me with more respect on dates.

silvernikki · 2019-09-02T23:40:48+00:00

I 100% agree. But I have done enough therapy and soul searching to know that I am not my debilitating shyness, or my mental issues, or my excess weight. Am I giving those things up to find a man? ABSOLUTELY. But I'm also finding myself.
I've lost weight, started therapy, and begun wearing makeup/heels.
It's improved my confidence and self-esteem a little bit. I do at times hear the little voice in my head that says "how dare you even attempt to look attractive!" But I'm working on shushing it.

findingfemininity · 2019-09-03T01:11:04+00:00

I would never change something fundamental to myself such as my life goals or personality. Other things it depends on the cost/upkeep and how strong my relationship with said man is. For example let's say my fiance asked me to dye my hair blonde. While this is expensive and lots of upkeep I would still do it because he's my fiance and we have years of love and connection. If he had asked me to do this 3 months into dating it would be a no because I'm not going to spend hundreds of dollars for someone I just started seeing.
Getting fit, learning how to dress and having a good skincare routine back in my early 20s. Most recently I've started wearing a high quality perfume daily because my fiance likes the way it smells (I used to only use those for special occasions).
I think it's pretty obvious that looking good helps you feel good and project confidence. I also noticed back when I was still single and has just begun making some of these changes the quality of men who approached me raised exponentially.

teaandtalk · 2019-09-03T08:55:29+00:00

If 'changing yourself' means changing a fundamental and decent part of you, of course you shouldn't change.. Or if the change you're making for your partner is going to injure you, like 'losing weight when you're underweight' or 'participating in risky sex activities'. But if it means 'complaining less' or 'losing weight when you're overweight' or 'wearing more dresses' or 'being more polite', why the heck would that be bad? Self improvement is vital, and sometimes it's prompted by someone else.
Oh, lots. Comparing to my early 20s:
1. Superficial: My look is more 'polished', and I wear more dresses and my hair longer. I shave my legs for my partner, when it's not something I'd care about otherwise.
2. Lifestyle: I'm more 'settled' and enjoy more traditionally feminine hobbies. Why? Because cooking and keeping home for someone is rewarding. Because giving my friends home-grown produce makes me feel joyous.
3. Personal: I complain less, and express gratitude more. I swear less. I'm more assertive, and more articulate. I'm better at taking charge of my own emotions & self-regulating.
All these changes have been good for me, and I thank my husband for the part he's played in encouraging/inspiring/supporting me as I made them. People are kinder to me, my career has improved, and I am HAPPIER. And my marriage is better than ever.

tintedlipbalm · 2019-09-03T10:28:18+00:00

Ok my opinion - change for a man, sure. Change to try to be your best version of yourself.

Dont try to become something which you aren't. Find someone who wants you. But at your best.

Hartley7 · 2019-09-05T17:49:29+00:00

1.) Changing for a man is worthwhile if the changes are positive and sustainable. It's also imperative that we change partly for ourselves.

2.) I have become more submissive and agreeable. I am much more pleasant to be around. I am no longer constantly angry and I do not rebel against my husband out of a lack of humility. I show appreciation and admiration for my husband as well.

Embracing a healthier lifestyle has made me look and feel better. My husband also finds me much more attractive due to my efforts. He did not say so but I see a difference in how he interacts with me. I am still overweight but less so. I am also more toned.

3.) I feel more confident because of my improved appearance. I also feel calmer and more aware of my emotional reactions. I like myself more and I feel like I have become wiser.

vintagegirlgame · 2019-09-18T07:54:52+00:00

Omg so much change! Not FOR him exactly but because of him, inspired by him! I was 22 when I met him at 27, and he blew my mind, rocked my world and forever changed who I am. I think it’s good for a women to meet her man young while she is still expanding and growing. If she grows with him, alongside him, they will become so attuned to each other.

How he changed me:

Career! I did a complete 180 in career paths and ditched my plan of going to med school (the family trade) and I became an artist instead. I absolutely LOVE what I do and many of my talents have been recognized with national and international awards! I would NEVER have had the courage or insight to follow this path and discover my talents if I hadn’t been so inspired and encouraged by him. And I would have been so miserable working in a hospital.

Healthy diet! I grew up extremely picky and didn’t eat vegetables as a child. By the time I met him, I was over the pickiness. I am blessed with the genetics that I could get away with eating a lot of junk and still look healthy. But through him I learned what makes real health and became committed to maximizing my genetics instead of taking advantage of them. I’ve learned so many great ways to cook vegetables. I’ve switched to eating almost 100% organic foods. I’ve stopped putting anything chemical or synthetic in/on my body. And I’ve even taken it a step farther than him now and become a vegetarian, a choice which feels so clean and healthy for me.

Femininity! I was a total tom boy growing up so I rejected a lot of “girly girl” concepts. And then in college I lived in a big city and picked up a lot of BP masculine style boss babe nonsense. He turned me on to RP style of thought (not that he called it that). I was the one who discovered TRP and RPW on reddit, but years before that he was teaching me how to become more feminine, simply by fulfilling the masculine role.

Spirituality! I went from being an atheist to being deeply spiritual. I grew up in the south and rebelled against the Bible Belt thing. But his form of spirituality was not religious and made so much more sense. It was so enlightening and a total game changer for me. Probably the most important gift he’s ever given me, aside from the gift of asking me to be his wife!

morganKxoxo · 2019-09-02T23:59:53+00:00

I think it highly depends on what exactly you are changing. Are you changing something fundamental to your identity like a life goal, or a hobby you love or certain family/ female relationships? Or are you changing things what will make you both better?
I have learned to cook. I used to be a terrible cook but now I really enjoy cooking for my husband and I. I used to be very lazy and messy, but I’ve worked on forcing myself to get into a habit of tidying up more regularly. I also have worked to manage my anxiety because that was a source of tension in our relationship. All of these things make ME better as well as our marriage better and I think that’s the key.
It’s made me much more confident and I feel like a great wife. Like I said in 2, everything I’ve changed for my husband have been things that fundamentally make me better and happier as well. If you are changing things YOU don’t want to commit to change, you are going to resent him and it won’t end well if you bottle that up

cassandrarose39 · 2019-09-03T01:09:45+00:00

I completely changed so I agree it’s a good thing. The changes came before him and after.

I lost weight (but gained it back unfortunately but working on losing it again).

I learned to cook.

I dropped bad friends and started spending my free time doing wholesome activities. Bible reading, church activities, reading old fashioned how to be a good wife books, spending my other free time with my kids (I was a single mom full custody), and just learning that what I do today effects my tomorrow.

Because I’ve gotten rewarded from consistently doing rights things I don’t get resentful for doing these things for a man. I think feminist get bitter from bending over backwards for men just to be used and dumped. If I constantly had that experience I would be angry all the time too. But honestly I put low effort into most my relationships until my husband so I wasn’t too upset when those ended. But high effort has yielded high rewards in getting and keeping what I think is a good man so I have a positive outlook on “taking care and being the best woman I can for my man”.

northernbigfoot · 2019-09-17T07:12:23+00:00

I am a man. A mens right sort of man. Let me tell you this: feminists are wrong when they say "do not change for any man". The right thing is: "do not change for any person other than yourself, man or woman". Be open to change not because a man might like you better, but because you will be happier about who you are. Remember that a relation is an extension to your life, not the purpose of it. Ask yourself why, if a man you are interested in does not want you. Imagine yourself changed in a way that he will like you: would you like that version of you? If yes, go for the change. Hold to who you are otherwise. I wish you best of luck, inside or outside a relation.

rosebyanyothername1 · 2019-09-20T18:49:59+00:00

Yes, improve yourself.
Getting tretinoin and azelaic acid (see youtube for info) for tightening face skin and reducing blemishes. Going keto, losing weight. Learning to cook really well (NYT cooking).
more confident, get compliments

jack_hammarred · 2019-09-03T00:44:48+00:00

I think the notion that we shouldn't change for any man assumes that men are incapable of encouraging us toward beneficial self development, and that any changes a man may value seeing are automatically counter to our own personal goals. Clearly, this is not the case with every member of the stronger sex! Its as if its impossible to become improved by change, impossible to be beneficially motivated by others. I think both are absolutely asinine perspectives! I usually see these ideas coming from feminist women, women with low sexual/relationship market value, and the rather large central category of this Venn diagram. Many women are aware that they could stand to benefit from changing in ways that the average, marriageable man would desire, but they are unwilling to invest the effort and instead choose to demand they be accepted as they are. Also, I see this perspective coming from women who've experienced toxic relationships with imposed expectations from low value, unsuitable men. I think this begs the question, what kind of changes is he desiring? Are they changes that you don't want to make because they are contrary to your well being or code of ethics? Are they changes that require work that you're too lazy to manage? Are they changes that you just don't care to make? It really depends. If your goals and his goals don't line up to the point that you consider his desired changes to be stupid or counter productive, you didn't vet properly and likely need to do some soul searching.
The biggest changes I've made that were either prompted by my husband, or by me with our relationship in mind, are NUMEROUS. The biggest ones that come to mind...

I've rededicated myself to becoming a faithful, hopeful, charitable Christian.
I have cultivated a passion for beauty and style rooted in what makes me look objectively attractive, and secondly rooted in what he finds attractive.
I've learned to cook.
I've learned to adapt how I respond to my extroverted needs so that we can both stay fulfilled in our day to day lives.
I've endeavored to find a balance between the modern independence and self sufficiency that I was raised to be capable of, and the more tender and collaborative energy that I aspire to embody which he responds well to.

These are all changes I've been happy to make, changes I wouldn't have had the confidence to make without him. I'm no shrinking violet but until him, I thought I had to be everything for myself, and that propensity to be an island made me actually quite vulnerable and timid in negative ways. Because we were thorough in getting to know each other, because I trust him implicitly, because I adore the man he is, I trust his desires for my evolution as well as his favorable reactions to my "experiments". I feel even more like myself than I did when I first met him. I feel so gratified by his pride in me and appreciation of me, and I'm impressed with my own dedication and patience alike. In trying times when I feel uncertain, I have faith in his ability to lead me where I want to be even if I can't chart the course on my own.

Title	Changing for A Man
Author	jack_hammarred
Upvotes	14
Comments	21
Date	September 2, 2019 11:31 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/cywv78/changing_for_a_man/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/changing-for-a-man.251598 https://theredarchive.com/post/251598

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