Help keeping calm during a fight

Galaxine · 2018-11-08T18:08:34+00:00

Oh, honey. This isn't keeping calm during a fight. This is abuse. He threatened to leave you because you got upset after he yelled at you for spilling a soda by accident. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.

There is a difference between harmony and working to make a happy household and tolerating mistreatment. Threatening to leave your spouse over spilled soda and an argument is not healthy or normal. Neither is shutting up and accepting verbal abuse.

I'm not sure where you are, but if you need help finding resources to get out of the situation you are in, I can help look them up so your search history stays clear.

GingerDoughGirl · 2018-11-08T18:38:30+00:00

I can't imagine my fiance yelling at me for accidentally spilling something and I know that if I got mad at him for a simple mistake like that our marriage would be off to a bad start. He also does not yell at me more because I cry. He generally does not believe in raising his voice to women because it triggers an instinctual fear for their life (he is a big guy). Every so often we have women come through here in relationships that sound truly awful and they hope that if they erase themselves enough their guy will turn into a prince and their relationship will be happy. This only works though if the woman really is toxic at her baseline and the changes needs to start with her. You may get other counsel here about needing to leave and that this guy is not demonstrating the frame of a Captain. If he is not an addict and has never hit you, and you know you have truly toxic behaviors yourself, maybe these principles can help. I know I personally would not want to progress a relationship with a guy with such poor frame. One day that could be your toddler he is going off on...

snackysnackeeesnacki · 2018-11-08T18:44:00+00:00

So I actually discovered RPW in what turned out to be the final days of my marriage to my (now ex-) husband. I was desperate to fix our marriage and nothing I tried had worked. I begin implementing a lot of what I had learned and things improved for a bit. Then they got even worse. He was running out of reasons to be angry at me, to yell at me, to blame me for things going wrong. Rather than his verbal abuse resulting from a ramped up argument between us, it began to come out of what felt like nowhere.

He usually liked to have dinner when he first got home, before he showered or anything. One day he had just gotten home and I was finishing up dinner and he came out of the bedroom with a towel wrapped around him and said he was going to take a bath. I said, without irritation or anything, “oh, dinner will be ready in about 10-15 minutes. Do you want me to put it on hold or do you think you’ll be out of the bath by then?”. He. Absolutely. Snapped. Started screaming at me that he doesn’t even get to decide when he’s going to eat in his own house. I was baffled, I shut down and did my best to appease him to get him to calm down. I saw my therapist a few days later and shared with her everything that was going on. She had been very supportive of the changes I was trying to implement in myself for my marriage. Letting things go, letting him lead, not trying to control him. When I described our fights, especially the most recent one, she very matter-of-factly told me that this was emotional abuse. She encouraged me to discuss this with my mother. I got the same feedback from her, and she and my father also shared with me various ways they had seen him manipulate, bully, and control me over the years.

ultimately I realized I wasn’t going to survive in that relationship. Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but also the most rewarding. It took me a long time to sort out a messed up my head was from him. For example I had felt a lot of guilt because a couple of times I had hit him while we were fighting. He would frequently point out that I was the only one who ever gotten physical. However, I realized in therapy that the only times I had done that was when I was unable to escape. (He had me cornered and had taken my car keys and phone to prevent me from leaving).

I am now in a relationship with a man whose leadership I gladly follow. We have disagreements, but have only truly “argued” a few times. He has never yelled at me, and he never puts me down, makes me feel small, or criticizes me for small things. You have to have trust in your relationship. How can you trust somebody who frightens you? I don’t have advice for you other than to say that this isn’t how you should be treated and I hope he can figure that out.

LookingForEquanimity · 2018-11-08T18:58:07+00:00

All bc you spilt a drink? I don't thing you needing to stay calm is the real issue here. No one should be freaking out because you spilt a drink. It's not as if that has life-changing consequences. I'm sorry

jack_hammarred · 2018-11-08T19:23:21+00:00

I don't know that this is or isn't an abusive situation with your husband, but I am concerned. His reaction seems a bit over the top, even if this incident was the straw that broke the camel's back so to say. It might suit to seek a therapist/counselor to talk things through with, to get a better read on the situation. I think it is worth talking with a professional about your personal development, and also to determine if this is likely to be a relationship that could result in emotional and/or bodily harm to you and your child.

To your question, though. It's easy to stay calm and collected in a heated situation when I remember that he has just as much right to express his emotions (anger) as I do (despair). For him to get so elevated, it means the situation is very serious and he needs my help and action to right our course. It means I haven't been receptive to previous complaints, usually. I avoid falling apart by keeping in mind that his escalating does not require my escalating. In that moment, he needs me to be strong and help find a better way forward, just like I so often need him to be the strong one for me. This isn't weathering abuse or being a doormat, it's sacrificial compromise. There's a difference for sure.

Ariel125 · 2018-11-09T01:25:03+00:00

there is so much wrong with how he reacted. Men don't like a doormat and you are both adults. He has no right to treat you like a child like that. I would start standing up for yourself asap and tell him you won't tolerate that any longer, he must stop being ridiculous. There is being RP then there's being a second-class citizen.

suzannehatton · 2018-11-08T18:31:36+00:00

I agree. It's difficult to tell from this one example but your husband does sound like he came down awfully hard on you. Have things been building up for a while? It seems like a big argument for such a small mistake.

JustScrollOnward · 2018-11-09T00:33:34+00:00

My husband sometimes get irrationally angry and while it’s not okay to make excuses for something HE needs to work on, we can always work on our response to the anger because let’s face it, all we can do is pray. So with that said, I think you can work on being the “goddess of light” that RPW talks about. So if he says something cruel or unkind, respond with lightness.

“Ah! Soda just got all over my food! why are you so careless?” “Oh, I’m sorry, sweetie, I’m such a klutz! Let me get a paper towel!”

If it becomes second nature to you to not be defensive, and even lightly self derisive in such a moment (showing humility and being well grounded) chances are your marriage will be less antagonistic.

It’s really hard to have a husband who is angry a lot. I know mine has anxiety that comes out in anger, but I will say he is so much better when I can be lighthearted and sweet, and a lot of times I can pull him out of a funk just by being goofy.

Zegiknie · 2018-11-09T09:07:17+00:00

I can see from other posts and your reactions that you are determined to stay for now, and try.

Just remember - leaving doesn't have to mean divorce. You said he can be scary, sometimes. You can also just GO and hide somewhere for a while, until he has done some healing of his own. Safety first!

Getting seriously upset over minor things often, being that irritable, that's a sign of extreme stress, or trauma, or depression. He needs help.

To put things into perspective, my husband is big and strong, too. When I cry, he doesn't feel manipulated or get angry. He doesn't feel bad or gives in. He thinks it is adorable and stands his ground calmly (just like when toddlers stamp their feet, but they must go to bed anyway).

The problem is, an angry man always feels threatening. And when you are scared, your reactions will be panicky. So the only things you can do, are remedy his stress and try and get him some counseling, if he will have it. Only bring it up in a good moment, and don't sound accusing. Just that he seems so stressed and maybe could benefit from some kind of help.

You cannot avoid making someone angry, if they blow up over minor things. There is always SOMETHING to blow up over, so don't waste your energy on that.

You can always try to remain sweet and calm, but that simply won't always be possible - your instincts will prevail if you're under too much stress.

It is also possible that he consciously acts like this. I think some TRP men advocate this, theorizing that women are attracted to violence or some such. That he must gain respect through brute force. I have no solution for that, sorry.

Good luck and take care!

Brap_Sugoi · 2018-11-08T21:55:21+00:00

This has to be a troll. Your account is new and this smells really obvious and fishy.

PaulaJMM · 2018-11-09T02:54:23+00:00

Right. Because husbands never overreact and treat their wives like crap. She’s doing what the RP men want and taking the blame for everything - including his behavior.

Title	Help keeping calm during a fight
Author	PineapplePinups
Upvotes	8
Comments	23
Date	November 8, 2018 5:52 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/9vc7rt/help_keeping_calm_during_a_fight/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/help-keeping-calm-during-a-fight.208337 https://theredarchive.com/post/208337

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