How do you know if you actually can do better?

Littleknownfacts · 2017-02-26T12:45:42+00:00

I don't want to ruin a good relationship for a what if". I would like to get married in the next 2-4 years and don't want to waste time in a relationship that will not work out. Also, having just graduating college, there seems to be a lot more eligible men who are looking to settle down.

So how do you know if you actually can do better or if it's just hypergamy? Did you ever feel like you could do better? What happened?

I don't want to ruin a good relationship for a what if".

So don't. If you want to leave your current relationship because you are unsatisfied with him (and his work ethic), that is one thing. But no matter how good of a guy you get, you will never be able to shake the "what if" feeling because it's an internal issue, not an external one. No guy is perfect, and if you keep focusing on his flaws he will end up looking like a monster. Don't judge your boyfriend against other men, because you don't know those other men, you don't know what their flaws are. Focus on your boyfriend as an individual. Does he treat you well? Do you trust his capabilities? Do you find him attractive?

Three years is a pretty long time for someone so young. You may just be feeling restless because the honeymoon stage is running thin, so I would probably cut your boyfriend a bit of extra slack for that. But if you do decide to leave, sooner is always better than later.

myrpwi_account · 2017-02-26T13:09:49+00:00

The grass is greenest where you water it.

If the only reason you want to break up is to see if you can do better you will be very disappointed.

If you want to break up because you feel he takes the easy way out and this will hurt your future together, then break up and find someone who works harder.

TempestTcup · 2017-02-26T21:38:27+00:00

We met in college and he had a huge crush on me. At 20, I got out of a bad 4 year relationship and shortly after started dating my current boyfriend.

It sounds like this is a rebound relationship with an orbiter. It also sounds like you are just fine dating him but not really excited about being with him.

Is your relationship a long distance one?

The reason I'm asking is that, with distance, relationships are nothing like they would be if you saw each other daily. There is also a disconnect that I sense in your post, like you are much more analytical about your relationship than you are emotionally involved.

VintageVee · 2017-02-26T12:47:47+00:00

If you're having those sorts of doubts I think you've answered your own questions. When you're properly in love you feel like you've won the lottery. I think if you marry this guy you'll end up resentful and in one of those deadbedroom marriages where you know you've settled and you aren't actually in love after a few years. For me laziness is a red flag , nothing drives me more wild. but everyone has their own bug bears.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2017-02-26T16:42:06+00:00

What do you mean he takes the "easy" way out?

Ever hear some of these sayings:

Work smarter, not harder.

Hire a lazy person to do a job, and they will find the most efficient way to do it.

Being "lazy" isn't automatically a bad thing unless you end up picking up on his slack. If he still accomplishes his goals, just not in a way you would have done it, are you sure you're not being overly judgemental about him?

I would also avoid the mentality of you could do better unless he's actually not satisfying your needs and requirements. Just because mom isn't crazy about him, has little relevance IMO. It's not like she's saying he's awful and you need to get out. She's just being picky? If you properly defended him do you think her tune would change? As a gf, you need to defend your man to nay sayers. If you don't even do this, and overly judgemental of him, I wouldn't say you could do better because maybe he could do better.

Goingdowntheroad · 2017-02-26T13:21:21+00:00

I agree with VintageVee...you should be absolutely crazy about the man you marry! But if, for the moment, you're just trying to be clear-eyed and unsentimental, then I guess you need to decide what you want from your future husband. Do you want him to make a lot of money? Do you plan to work, or would you like to stay at home? What kind of lifestyle are you hoping for? I guess I mean, in what way would his laziness actually affect you?

tradmarriageftw · 2017-02-26T19:31:43+00:00

When I first got to college guys were always flirting with me. I thought I was hot shit and I was going to have no problems getting my first boyfriend. I thought the same type of things you are saying: I'm in a top university, thin, pretty, etc. Well, needless to say not every guy who gives you the time of day is going to want to date you let alone have a relationship with you. Especially in the early 20s when so many guys just want to get experience. In fact, it wasn't until after college I found a guy who was interested in a relationship and a good match for me then we married.

I feel a bit conflicted saying to just stay with him though. I wouldn't want a guy being married to someone who isn't crazy about him. Maybe it is important for you to go through your own journey so that when you do get married you will know for yourself what it's like out there.

HappyWifeLifeX · 2017-02-26T15:25:42+00:00

While you may or may not be able to "do better than him", it doesn't sound like you're wild ABOUT him. You speak about marriage being something you want but you don't speak about him as a marriage that you want.

I think you're already ready to move on and this guys isn't the one. Nothing wrong with that but you should be honest with yourself and him and not drag it out.

People are a mixed bag of traits and usually younger men are still growing into who they are (just like you). No matter what man you find, there will be something about him that "could be better" (just like with yourself).

Be careful, branch swinging only lasts so long before your pool of choices gets gradually worse.

lackadaisicalily · 2017-02-26T17:27:05+00:00

If your boyfriend is a naturally ambitious person, he's going to improve on his own. A lot of men don't get to their best until their 30's career and looks wise. You should be supporting him and him supporting you. However, do you still love him? Because if you're easily swayed by what your mother said, your feelings may not be there for him.

Littlewifey · 2017-02-26T13:29:54+00:00

You scored pretty good with your boyfriend, there will always be one thing or another that doesn't please you but that's when you have to decide if the ups are worth the downs.

I don't like how you say he is smart and you're very smart. Maybe that "very" is the extra in this relationship. You seem to think higher of yourself aka that you're better than him which is not always true.

I would advise against leaving as that "issue" you talk about seems pretty easy to deal with - if you're pretty laid back than it shouldn't be a problem for you to let him do his thing at his own pace and when he wants to.

But then, some people only get their answers once they've done their mistakes. Breaking up + Working on yourself + being emotionally available for a new relationship + vetting and sorting out the bad weeds + dating successfully with the best man you can find + cultivating that relationship, seems a bit far stretched to say you'll get married in 2-4 years if you have to go through all of these steps. A marriage takes a minimum of 1 year to prepare + all the money you got to save + not every young man wants to get married before their 30's. That means you'd need to date older than you, with someone who is already well established financially.

cynicalhousewife · 2017-02-26T22:58:09+00:00

I think I can see what the problem is here. You are an intelligent, ambitious and dynamic woman. You are physically attractive and you had a pretty good upbringing. Women almost always want a man who they see as above themselves. No matter how successful a woman is, she usually doesn't want an equal relationship, she wants her man to be the higher power, the one who leads and the one she looks up to. Not that there is anything wrong with a successful and independent woman, it just limits your options somewhat. The pool of men who are more intelligent and successful than you is probably not as wide as you would perhaps like it to be. You also have a lot of respect and admiration for your father, he has your heart and unless you feel like a man can live up to him and meet the standards you are used to seeing then you won't feel satisfied. I can't say I have all the answers here, it's your life and only you can choose what to do with it. What I will say however is that you need to be at least satisfied, if not then marrying this guy is probably not the best idea, women often cheat when they are not satisfied and it doesn't make for a good marriage.

Title	How do you know if you actually can do better?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	8
Comments	39
Date	February 26, 2017 12:29 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/5w9w9q/how_do_you_know_if_you_actually_can_do_better/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/how-do-you-know-if-you-actually-can-do-better.209086 https://theredarchive.com/post/209086

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