Afraid of vulnerability

RainingGlitter28 · 2017-12-29T00:13:04+00:00

I'm sorry I can't advice you love.

But my Goooodness me I went 'oh God me too' when I read this.

Good luck 💖💖

Rivkariver · 2017-12-30T21:40:16+00:00

You were never really vulnerable when single. Sharing doesn't mean vulnerable. If any of the guys rejected you after opening up, you weren't tied down so you could just go find a guy who did accept your sharing. But a committed relationship runs the risk of you opening up and being rejected and then you can't leave or go to another guy. So it's hard. Just practice.

Xtinamina · 2017-12-29T02:25:54+00:00

Hi! I posted about this exact thing a few months ago! Maybe it will help you. :)

https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6tzdst/how_can_i_work_on_feelingbecoming_more_vulnerable?sort=top

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2017-12-29T05:12:30+00:00

I had a few awful heartbreaks from chasing after guys who didn't care about me

Sounds like you need to become better at vetting. What caused you to chase the men you did? Did they show lack of interest while you wanted them regardless?

Also, how old are you? If you are still a teenager you shouldn't expect relationships to be permanent at this stage in your life.

I swore that I would NEVER determine my self worth on if a boy liked me or not.

People like to use terms like "self worth" and other similar things to signify what they put effort into. What you base your self worth on is honestly something that is pretty hard ingrained into your mentality from a very young age.

This might be controversial to some people here, but if you do not have a significant portion of your self worth based on your spouses opinion of you, your marriage will suffer. If you have based your self worth on male approval, that probably won't really change. Most men base their self worth on female approval, and it's the same vise versa. The type of approval that men desire is different than the type of approval that women desire, but overall it's the same goal. Women look appealing to attract men; men become appealing to attract women. It's human nature, and general primal survival instinct to base your self worth on what the opposite sex feels about you. Garnering interest from people you can procreate with is literally how species survive, so that will never go away.

Your problem is not basing your self worth on what a man thinks of you, your problem is basing your self worth on men that you have not vetted well enough.

Hartley7 · 2017-12-31T01:49:39+00:00

Be careful about which men to show vulnerability to. Cads will take advantage of vulnerable woman who are too needy.

Take things slow. Be so busy with your own life that you don't have time to be clingy. Cultivate friendships and independent interests. Keep a journal so that you can learn to examine your feelings as well as the motivations behind your relationships.

nonamanuensis · 2018-01-02T22:07:04+00:00

I'm confused how you can "fall in love" with someone before being in a relationship with them (since they have to chase you?). You can become infatuated or intensely attracted/obsessed...but fall in love? This doesn't sound like love.

I agree with other comments: vet better. This means DATE, not immediately enmesh with someone and become boyfriend/girlfriend. You can date and practice appropriate vulnerability as you get to know people. The more dates you go on the more you may be able to practice exposure therapy and show yourself that you can be confident and vulnerable at the same time.

I know people say there's no such thing as dating but try this: make an online profile at multiple sites, state your first date is always dutch coffee, and have a list of qualities that you will always say yes to (has a job/has a place/is interested in a relationship/5+) and get out and meet a few men every week. You can also message men and ask to go out for coffee to get more details on some things in their profile that you found interesting. If they bring up one of the following on the first date, don't go out again: sex, badmouth the opposite sex, whine about politics/society/school/work, or tell you their life story. All other subjects are probably fine (especially FORD - family/occupation/recreation/dreams). This kind of system takes the expectations out of dating (we saw a movie and they're attractive - we're a couple!!!) and lets you practice talking to people appropriately. It also lets you practice telling some men "thank you for meeting, I'm not interested in another date" and holding boundaries (i.e. "I don't kiss until we're exclusive"), and the opposite practice of taking risks and reaching out and learning you won't get destroyed by rejection and you are perfectly capable of learning appropriate vulnerability.

(I may amend this comment if pressed on the idea, I'm shooting from the hip here.)

KittenLoves_ · 2017-12-29T02:33:48+00:00

I haven't had this exact problem, but a similar one. I'm not fully "recovered", but one thing I've found that helps is, however silly it may seem, reciting positive mantras for myself.

lunatic_in_the_hall · 2018-01-04T03:32:55+00:00

I can't say I relate to you completely, because I usually feel more confident in myself when I find out a guy is interested in me (which doesn't happen too often lol), but I totally understand the fear of vulnerability. I'm a pretty private person and the idea of being very open with someone is kind of scary to me. I'm not sure how to solve this problem, but all I can say is keep in mind that when a guy is interested in you, it's because you're beautiful and a great person, so don't feel too self conscious <3

FleetingWish · 2017-12-29T08:26:25+00:00

just let him chase after me and prove he's worth my time (as he rightly should), but I can't help but become extremely clingy and too eager to please.

You've got it backwards. Men hate having to chase you. The moment they have to chase you, they will assume you are not interested in them and move onto someone else. You have to show you're interested in them by chasing them.

Bria89 · 2017-12-30T00:00:05+00:00

You need to accept that vulnerability is beautiful. It's the best quality about us as humans. I think you need to be okay with showing this side and caring for someone in order to really grasp RPW and be successful in relationships.

You need to be okay with showing vulnerability and loving a partner even when they feel vulnerable.

You should probably start communicating that vulnerability makes you uncomfortable and how you act when you feel this way. That way your partner can anticipate and react appropriately.

Communication is everything!

Title	Afraid of vulnerability
Author	cuspids
Upvotes	11
Comments	13
Date	December 29, 2017 12:06 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7mqkjr/afraid_of_vulnerability/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/afraid-of-vulnerability.73996 https://theredarchive.com/post/73996

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