BDSM

Fancy_Bits · 2017-02-16T16:35:51+00:00

This is somewhat of a repeat from my comment in the 50 shades thread, but yes. Incoming wall of text!

My partner and I do lifestyle D/s (more specifically, Master/slave), which means we do it 24/7 and not just in the bedroom. To me, it is a natural outgrowth of RPW and the gender roles we are comfortable in.

I am a masochist and he is a sadist, so we get along very well in the physical aspects as well. We play across the spectrum. I identify as very “primal” so I prefer very hands on play. He can light me up with bruises just using his hands, but we also have a lovely collection of floggers, whips, crops, canes, shock collars (ooh they turn me into a giggling, screaming hot mess), metal claws, rope, and a variety of other items – such as weighted koosh balls on drum sticks. Those don’t really have a name, so we just call them “Strange” and “Charm” which are two kinds of quarks, because that is a “quarky” (quirky) kink toy :-) . I also really love being manhandled in general – choking, being held down, pinned against the wall, put in positions. I love those displays of his power and how it brings out that animalistic side to him that sometimes gets a little scary even. That is even more fun – that thrill of fear when he looks at me like something to consume for his pleasure.

We are in a D/s relationship as well though. Specifically we are in a Master/slave relationship, which is the more intense version of it. He and I both have a lot of experience in BDSM and D/s though, and M/s is something that I wouldn’t at all recommend without a very slow build up and at least a few years of experience doing Dom/sub before going to Master/slave. There are of course other D/s types you can do – like Daddy/babygirl, which has nothing to do with incest or age play but refers to the Dom being more gentle, guiding, and more tolerant of antics rather than more strict, or the Daddy-Dom/bg which is kinda in between the Daddy/bg and the Dom/sub. I’ve done D/s, Daddy-Dom/bg, and M/s. I much prefer M/s, but it takes a very special man to be a Master. The amount of trust and responsibility is really dramatic, and it is so, so easy to abuse that. I’d say most men couldn’t be even Doms, and only a tiny subsect of Doms can be Masters.

Some aspects of D/s are like RP/RPW but taken to a higher level I think. That is a simplification of course, and there is more to it – but the overlap is pretty major. For instance, I am a liberal feminist living in Seattle, WA. I disagree with a lot of what is said here about feminism – but I LOVE RPW because it is hard to find communities that value male-led relationships and domesticity like RPW does. So I keep my mouth shut about feminism and “take the great, leave the bad” aspects of RPW. I have no issue syncing my feminism with my M/s relationship or my ideals of RPW. I serve my Master in the same ways – I cook, clean, tend to his needs, take care of the pets, I organize, plan, and make sure what he wants done gets done. I obey him implicity, don’t challenge his authority (or try not to, I slip up), and he is my rock and my leader.

Not all D/s does the domestic aspects though. I value “service submission,” which is doing the domestic work, as well as body service like massages, mani/pedis, etc. Some D/s relationships are far more egalitarian in the chore breakdown – but they are still led by one partner. And of course, some D/s are female-led relationships too. But for the kind of D/s that my Master and I like – the M/s with service submission that includes domestic and body service, the overlap between D/s and RPW is dramatic. Really, the only significant bone of contention is the view of feminism (and as mentioned I don’t want to or need to debate it, I just have always stayed quiet about my dissenting view :-).)

There are some aspects to D/s and particularly M/s though that are lacking in RPW though that I love. M/s is a lot more strict. I cannot say no for the most part. Now, I have not lost my autonomy. I can leave at any time, I can refuse to do anything I want. I am not a robot, abused, or shut down. And he demands that I refuse to do anything that will harm him, myself, or our pets. Outside of that though, his word is law and I obey. I can be punished – up to and including physical. Again, none of that is abuse. We have negotiated what is acceptable punishments and what is not acceptable. We discuss any corrections or punishments I get, and I always know what the punishment will be and what it is for. I can disagree with or question any decision he makes. I have to accept his decision and obey it – but I can have my own opinion and share it nonetheless. I ask for permission to do a lot of things – to see my friends, to make schedule adjustments, to buy things. Rarely does he say no, and it is almost always with good cause like of a conflicting commitment or he doesn’t think we need that item. I have a lot of freedom, but that freedom is bound by his tolerance.

We do a lot of protocol as well. For instance, when I bring him a drink I make sure it is turned in such a way that if his eyes were closed and he lifted it to his mouth the opening would line up so he could drink right away. I walk on his right side out in public so that he is between me and the street (and therefore cars and strangers.) I call him “Sir,” not his first name – although in vanilla settings or in introducing him I do call him by his name. We have hand signals so that if we are in a conversation and he wants something he can signal me without having to interrupt the verbal flow. While I may tease and cut up a little bit while we are in private, in public or when out with friends I am on my best behavior with him. Disrespect is not tolerated at all. I am a representation of his training and skill as a Master, especially to others in the kink community, and as such, my actions reflect strongly on him. Therefore it is vital that I am demure, attentive, sweet, and obedient. If I need some time to goof off I can ask for “brat time,” which he may or may not grant. I can also ask for time off from being “in service.” I rarely do this as I love serving him, but if I am really exhausted or stressed I may ask for the evening off – which means I won’t be cooking dinner, cleaning, getting him drinks, etc.

In return, he is intensely protective and caring of me. For all that I give him, and serve him, he returns in being my rock and taking care of me. He gives me the guidance, boundaries, and safety so that I can focus on him and the freedom of that submission. I get to put down so much control and give it to him, which destresses me and allows me to relax and focus on what I love best – taking care of him, his friends, and making people happy. He watches out for me and make sure I’m not overextending myself, that I am getting breaks even when I’m not asking for them, that he’s meeting my physical and emotional needs, and that I am happy and content.

I was married in a vanilla relationship for 14 years. I was very unhappy. My husband was a beta in Alpha clothes. He was demanding, selfish, and wanted me to be his submissive without ever being my Dominant. It ended up being emotionally abusive. Eventually we opened up our relationship for the last 6 years, and during that time I dated other men. Those relationships were always D/s relationships (which is something I have been doing since before I met my ex-husband) and that is where I knew my true happiness laid. I knew even then if I ever divorced my husband I would never accept anything less than a 24/7 D/s relationship with an active BDSM component. When my ex and I separated, I landed with my Master, and I have never been happier. My D/s is as vital to my sexuality, is as much a part of my core sexuality, as is where I land on the hetero-bi-homosexuality scale. It is as much a part of me as my gender is. If I cannot live in a D/s relationship, I cannot live my authentic self. And if I cannot have BDSM – the masochism and sadism, the pleasure and pain mixed together, the thrill of fear and the teasing and giggling and pushing boundaries and getting those warning Looks from him that turn me on like nothing else – then I cannot really experience the full joys of sex.

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2017-02-16T21:22:01+00:00

My boyfriend and I aren't hardcore BDSM nor do we identify with any community, but we do follow a lot of the master/slave practices in bed - he makes all the decisions (which positions and what we are doing) and when I'm giving him oral sex he basically dictates every move.

This is the first time I've had this type of sex and I realized how free I feel. I don't have to work to seduce him, I have everything planned out for me as long as I'm looking nice and pretty for him. But in terms of "what do I do, do I use my tongue, should I lick his neck, should I switch positions," I don't have to worry about this because he's the one telling me what to do.

I feel like I know what it's like to surrender to someone and I've never been so turned on before. Like my sex drive is at its highest, and I don't have to work to make myself aroused - when he's ordering me around I become incredibly aroused.

This translates to real life, although we're not as serious about our roleplay - I don't have to call him master or anything, but I definitely go with the flow and let him make the decisions. I do tell him when I don't prefer something (it can be simple like I prefer to stay home while he goes to the store instead of going together).

But the biggest aspect that I enjoy is that I feel safe in this dynamic, I feel like I'm protected, I feel free, I'm not anxious. Whether it's in bed or in real life, I put my trust in him, and I enjoy his lead.

That being said, I vetted him very carefully - I observed his decisions and choices and who he is as a man - and now I reap the benefits of being under his protection.

teaandtalk · 2017-02-16T22:09:46+00:00

So, I'm familiar with the BDSM sub-types, from a lot of reading (Tumblr is a surprisingly good resource here - I looked up dd/lg [daddy dom/little girl] to discover what the acronym meant, and ended up learning a lot more!).

I think there can be overlap between BDSM relationships and RPW relationships. [edit: got confused] /u/Fancy_Bits', in particular, sounds like a really interesting dynamic, with actual power exchange. And many of those lifestylers doing 24/7 bdsm/etc are definitely acting out traditional relationship dynamics, albeit in a more codified way.

BUT, I feel that the majority of BDSM in the way that it seems to be practised in the mainstream does NOT fit into that. For a lot of women, it seems to be a way to get their man to play-act being Alpha, while not having to actually give up any rights/responsibilities outside of the bedroom. The way that 50 shades has made it into the mainstream seems like it leads to, in a lot of cases, a female-led relationship, but with occasional handcuffs and blindfolds. This isn't actually a change in the power dynamics - you can still be a shrew during the day, but get to have some of the rougher sex that lots of women crave.

Just some thoughts :)

kelly6798 · 2017-02-16T16:12:31+00:00

I completely agree that BDSM is similar to traditional relationship values . I like to submit to my captain both in the bedroom and outside the bedroom. I had never tried BDSM until my boyfriend suggested it and it ended up being very enjoyable for us both. I like it when he is dominating and I like pleasing him sexually. If anyone is considering it, i recommend it. You don't have to go all out , start slow . Maybe some light tying up or handcuffs .

onacasserole · 2017-02-16T22:44:44+00:00

We're not active in the BDSM lifestyle but I suppose categorically we would fit most into the dd/lg sphere. You know how guys can be great leaders and captains without knowing about TRP? I guess that's like us and the whole dd/lg thing. I just learned what that even means in the last year or so, but it does fit us pretty well (minus age play). I think it's just a natural function of our personalities, he's so caring and always guiding me but also stern when he needs to be and I am naturally a bit childlike, goofy, always making him laugh with my antics, and require a lot of caring for/nurturing. :)

bunniebell · 2017-02-16T17:09:47+00:00

I do! It's great for the dynamic, just as you say.

SadestLittleGirl · 2017-02-17T03:38:54+00:00

I'm going to say yes and leave it at that. ;)

kokoroutasan · 2017-03-15T19:45:24+00:00

My SO is really my Sir, I just didn't know how everyone here was towards kink so I waited before mentioning it. I found this page because I was looking for a sub for 1950's style households honestly, but I'm learning so much and am so happy I found this group.

My Sir and I are 24/7 D/s for almost a year now. It's been fulfilling and freeing to both of us. :)

I'm his service submissive, both in terms of the house and sexual and we are so happy. Happiest either of us has ever been.

clfrench · 2017-06-23T13:51:17+00:00

I'm sorry if I'm digging up an old thread. 4 months isn't that old, is it?

I actually found this subreddit because I was searching for somewhere to find link-minded submissive women. My SO and I began talking 5 years ago, both fully aware that we wanted a D/s DD/lg focused relationship. We met online. Now, we've been living together for about a year and it's been amazing. I'm not 100% sure if this is the subreddit for me, but it seems like TRP supports hyper-traditional roles. That's what we tend to gravitate toward. I think those roles go hand-in-hand with D/s for some.

PS. If any submissives who read this know of a subreddit where I can go talk with other submissives to give and receive thoughts, advice, etc. I would very much appreciate it. Thank you!

Willow-girl · 2017-02-17T14:07:42+00:00

One of my husbands was into BDSM, which I didn't fully understand until it was too late, lol. I'm just a vanilla chick I guess! My experiences in that world left me with a bit of BDSM trauma, I guess -- I don't even enjoy the light stuff anymore; it's just a huge turnoff for me. Luckily my man isn't into that so it's not an issue.

Title	BDSM
Author	vanBeethovenLudwig
Upvotes	28
Comments	27
Date	February 16, 2017 1:07 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5ues1w/bdsm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/bdsm.1072169 https://theredarchive.com/post/1072169

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