Changing your personality

pildorasamargas · 2015-10-20T16:12:07+00:00

I have made him yell at me, be disappointed in me, made him loose days because of sadness and anger.

This language strikes me as victimizing yourself. It makes your SO sound abusive, which I'm not picking up as being the case from the rest of the post. So if on the off-hand chance he is, then the obligatory leave him and keep yourself safe. But what seems a lot more likely to me is that you do want help and to improve, but you're still really making this a "poor me" issue. If you want him, or us, to feel bad for you then you're not in the right mentality to be accepting responsibility for your faults.

FleetingWish · 2015-10-20T17:54:38+00:00

Ok, you need to take a deep breath. You are spiraling out of control. Hating yourself is not going to solve anything, or help anyone. Breath in and out, or take a walk. Continue reading when you are ready to talk about how to improve, rather than feeling sorry for yourself.

Your back? Feeling better? Ok, let's continue. I took the liberty of reading some of your comments below to learn what exactly was going on here. You flinch when your SO tries to kiss you on the nose, and you got defensive about it. Now, as stupid as this may seem to you, I don't want you to focus on that. In order to fix something instead you need to focus on why you did it. Otherwise the problem will never be solved.

Fortunately, I have a notion on why you did this. It makes you embaressed and ashamed to flinch when your SO is trying to expess his love to you. That is why you got defensive, you were ashamed of yourself. Because of that, you wanted to deflect blame.

There a couple of ways you can solve this. The first is just admitting your failures by being vulnerable. Say that you are embarrassed by this, and you don't want him to think you don't love him. Be open about your anger towards yourself, and admit you wish you stop it. Tell him everything, cry if you need to. Try to focus on yourself, and not projecting your anger on to him.

The second way to solve this is my personal favorite. However, this way will only work if you are passed the point of being embarrassed, and you have accepted that flinching is going to happen. Turn it into a game. Instead of: flinch "Oh no, I did something terrible", do this: flinch "Eeek! No, not my nose, anything but that!" Then giggle, maybe run away, and embody your inner child. Take it as an opportunity to play with him.

The point here is not to get you to stop flinching, it is to stop feeling bad about it, while making sure he is not feeling unloved or unwanted by it. Who knows, maybe the flinching will eventually stop, but until then you don't need to feel bad about it. Heck, if it were me, I'd continue to use it as an opportunity for play, even if the flinching stopped.

PhantomDream09 · 2015-10-20T14:43:32+00:00

Can you be more specific about what's causing problems? "He says I don't listen" and "my ego" are too vague. You mention house work a bit, but again, that doesn't tell us what problems you are currently running into specifically. You've answered all the questions, but those answers are so broad and vague that you won't really be able to get constructive feedback other than general advice.

Change takes time, effort, and consistency. Even when everything feels very familiar, you can still make mistakes. You're never going to be perfect, but that's also not the goal. Recognizing faults, admitting when you make a mistake, and endeavoring to correct those errors are far more important than striving for some impossible goal of perfection.

coffee__ · 2015-10-20T14:55:52+00:00

In the beginning of my relationship with my current SO, minor issues tended to blow up into fights because it was more important for me to be 'right' and have the last word, than to resolve the argument. I didn't actually ever apologize but instead I would turn the issue around on my SO and try and get him to apologize to me. That issue took me probably a year to retrain myself to realize that it's more important to get past an argument rather than win it. Luckily he told me that this was a major problem I needed to work on.

Recently, other facets of rpw have been quicker for me to adopt. I think it's also easier with age and emotional maturity. My argumentive nature was an issue when I was 21 and I didn't have the same perspective and experience in being in a real relationship that I have now in my late 20s.

little_ga_peach · 2015-10-20T15:07:53+00:00

When you are angry and emotional, take a break from the conversation. Take a deep breath. Take a walk. Make yourself a hot cup of tea. Chances are, in a few hours, or heck, even a few minutes, whatever you're emotional about will seem small.

scallopkid · 2015-10-20T17:16:23+00:00

My ego gets in the way. I have one belief about myself and I’m holding on to it because “that’s who I am”

There really is no "who you are" and I think it would help you to really understand and internalize that. This comment https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1z3emb/why_put_on_an_act_when_you_could_just_be_yourself/cfr51a5 is a pretty good way to think of it.

aZombieKitten · 2015-10-20T18:28:56+00:00

I think one of the problems here is that you're letting your emotions rule so strongly and have esteem issues (very obvious from your "I hate myself" statements). You aren't taking the time to step back and think about what you're doing and how to improve (and then implement those improvements).

I think, right now, you need to get your head in the right place. It certainly doesn't seem like it's there. An unstable mind must become stable before everything else can fall into place. You have to remember that.

Now, in terms of how to fix things, it's all action rather than words. It sounds easy, but it isn't always, as you can tell. There will be mess ups and stumbles along the way. Success cannot come without failure first. What's important is that you put genuine effort forward to let your SO know you are working to be a better partner, not just saying it (or just beating yourself up because you aren't a better partner right now.

TL;DR: You are too antagonistic towards yourself. Get your head on straight, then tackle your behavioral problems in a logical way as best you can.

Spenklover · 2015-10-20T14:29:44+00:00

edit: formatting

TempestTcup · 2015-10-20T14:36:28+00:00

It takes a while for RP to become second nature and to fully internalize it. I'd say about six months to a year usually. I've found the best way to not say something I regret is to STFU, but it's easy to say and hard to do :)

Title	Changing your personality
Author	Spenklover
Upvotes	14
Comments	25
Date	October 20, 2015 2:27 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3phumv/changing_your_personality/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/changing-your-personality.85697 https://theredarchive.com/post/85697

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