Having a Relationship with a Captain who has Autism?

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-11-16T23:42:55+00:00

First, my credentials: I'm the autistic one in my marriage, but my Dad has HFA/Asperger's. Jury is out on whether my Mom does as well; her psychiatric profile is complex. Regardless, both myself and my sister are HFA as well. Some ridiculous percentage of my friends - probably upwards of 50% - are fellow HFAs, diagnosed or otherwise, plus I know a handful of people who were misdiagnosed with HFA when they have something else that has symptom overlap (usually a dissociative disorder).

It's too big a spectrum to answer your questions in general terms. Someone who has low emotional regulation in spades is going to seem very different from someone whose most prominent traits are narrow focus of interest and a flat affect, even if they have the same diagnosis. My pet theory on why the organization of the "autism spectrum" keeps getting debated and its diagnostic criteria shuffled is because what we currently call "autism" is probably a collection of 6 or so different but genetically related disorders.

I'm going to list off the three primary behavior-cluster categories for male autistics I think you're most likely to encounter in life (female autistics have the same symptom clusters but their resulting behavior varies). Note that these are all describing High Functioning Autistics with no intellectual disability. If anyone reading this does not live in the US, there's a chance your country considers this Asperger's Syndrome (the primary diagnostic manual used in the US axed Asperger's from existence in 2009).

"Productive" Autism - Typically high earners at a role in an intellectual field, thanks to their comfort with single-minded devotion and long hours. May be perceived as workaholics, but that doesn't properly reflect their values. They typically intensely WANT social connection and friends but struggle with maintaining relationships and understanding social expectations. Some may give up at some point in their life and will live with literally 0 friends, while others channel a great deal of energy into learning how to maintain relationships and are highly successful with a chosen social sphere. (There's also a small subset whose single-minded devotion goes to learning certain social matrixes and they're off succeeding in some field that's actually surprisingly social, and have a practiced gregariousness in their personal life.) They're more likely to have a flat affect/low emotional expression and experience alexithymia, and more likely to successfully avoid true meltdowns/shutdowns, although their coping often looks look atypical or even socially inappropriate withdrawing. Often late diagnosed, and the least likely to have been in SPED as a kid.
Reclusive Autism - Least likely for you to encounter in a romantic context, and often mistaken for simply being depressed. They've looked at broader society, see no point in it, and have checked out. If they have a job, it's low-level, they hate it, and tolerate it for the bills - or they could be the proverbial basement dwellers in a parent's house. More likely to say they don't understand the point of having friends, and are more likely to channel unfulfilled sexual desire to substitutes - sometimes bizarre - rather than as motivation to seek out a romantic partner. Usually seem to have low emotional affect but also have intense, socially inappropriate emotional outbursts which can be positive or negative. This group is also more likely to have initially had or been diagnosed with a mid or even low functioning level and have been able to progress to high functioning over time, but they're more likely than other HFAs to experience shutdowns/meltdowns from environmental overstimulation.
Emotional Autism - This is the double-sided coin of low emotional inhibition, particularly in social contexts. Low emotional inhibition applies to both positive and negative emotions, so the emotional autistic will have both moments, so whether they trend positive or negative makes a big difference on their overall life outcome.
1. The positive side looks like someone who is very affable, seeks out lots of social situations constantly even if they struggle to navigate them well, and is likely a jokester/easily entertained/always looking at the bright side - but they're also the ones showing socially atypical levels of excitement, or not understanding when a situation is socially serious. May struggle to get settled into a job/career early in life, but once they find their stride they tend to become content and are less likely to see the need to change what's working for them, to the exclusion of "advancing in their career" unless it's a workplace where promotions occur based on tenure. In contrast to autism stereotypes, often more drawn to performative/entertainment jobs.
2. The other side of the coin has the potential to be a positive emotional autistic, but thanks to developing high rates of anxiety or abysmal self-esteem their emotional lability trends negative instead. Often chronically job-hopping, and will not show any personal insight into why they can't hold down a job. Easily angered. EXTREMELY low tolerance for anything that could potentially be criticism, and combined with poor understanding of social norms likely to see criticism or take offense when it isn't intended. Will make a mountain out of a crater.
3. If either side of the coin has shutdowns or meltdowns, they're unlikely to be caused by the environmental overstimulation we associate with autism, but instead emotional overstimulation. Something notable is that both sides are likely to quickly "give up" when meeting any roadblock or resistance to a path they're on - the negative side will see it as proof of their inferiority, the positive side just doesn't see any point in wading into something unpleasant (often because they don't understand the full social or societal benefits to persevering). For the positive side, this also often looks like frequently brushing off actual constructive criticism even when taking it into account would be helpful, which is the typical root of having difficulty settling into a professional or social environment.

Anecdotally, male productive autistics particularly have great marriages with women who are neuro-weird in their own right to some degree, such as ADHD, but are at high risk for a mutually emotionally painful experience if they end up paired with a neurotypical. They have a high desire to "do well" even if they don't as easily understand how. Good candidates for therapists who specialize in social skills interventions for HFA.

The male emotional autistics, on both sides of the coin, tend to end up paired with women with trauma histories, likely because they both seek high emotional stimulus regardless of positivity. People on the outside looking in will see the "positive" emotional autist as victimized by an unstable partner, and the "negative" emotional autist as victimizing their vulnerable partner, but the reality is more codependent and complex than that. Likely to benefit from a DBT therapist. ETA: Meant to say I've also seen a lot of *female* autistic/positive male emotional autistic pairings, where the wife is socially withdrawn and benefitting from the husband's social forwardness.

Male reclusive autistics may get picked up by a woman who relates to romantic partners as projects, but realistically their best hope for romantic fulfilment is something changing their mindset about broader society being worth interacting with. Doesn't happen often but I'm watching someone I know go down that more fulfilling path now, so maybe at some point I'll have at least one data point for what that can turn into. Have to figure that out on their own; the likelihood of them cooperating with any therapy modality is very low.

If you go through the comments here of personal experiences, you'll probably be able to slot what they are describing into these "behavior clusters."

Dehydrated_Jellyfish · 2023-11-16T20:20:45+00:00

Are you considering a relationship with a man who has autism? What's the story?

Cultivate_a_Rose · 2023-11-16T20:38:45+00:00

My ex was autistic.

When I hit the dating world again I said to myself, Never, ever again. I have ADHD and I have more than one amazing friendship with autistic ladies. But dating? Nope. Nope. Nope. It ended up borderline abusive.

OtterlyOddity · 2023-11-16T22:25:14+00:00

Are there any women here who have Captains with autism? (or autistic Captains who are married to Red Pill Women?)

I have been married 16 years to a man with autism - he is newly diagnosed and very much the leader in our home.

How do you find it supporting your man through his autism?

It's not much different than supporting someone through any other struggles one might have in their life. If anything, knowing he has autism has helped me understand that many things he does are not personal attacks, and that I don't need to take offense.

Does he have meltdowns and if so what do you do?

I'm not sure what this means, exactly. He is an adult and so has learned enough coping strategies that "meltdowns" in the more traditional sense (I picture a toddler having a tantrum) are nonexistent. He does, however, become occasionally overstimulated, in which case he lets me know (or I can see from his body language) and I help either remove him from the situation or remove whatever negative stimuli I can from his environment.

Does he have shutdowns and if so what do you do?

Does this have to do with withdrawing? He is a very introspective person and I've learned to be the same; I give him time to himself when needed. He seeks me out when he's ready.

Is he an effective leader and good provider?

Absolutely, yes. He is a computer programmer and makes great money doing it. He is incredibly knowledgeable in his field. At home, because he can approach things more logically than I can (whether that's a virtue of his autism or just being a man, I couldn't tell you) he has a fantastic insight into the running of the household and the managing of our children. He is kind yet firm, and doesn't let me get away with nonsense (and I've tried a *lot* of nonsense!).

What are the struggles his autism causes in your relationship?

I mentioned them briefly above, but the main struggle I would say would be my own insecurity. I have my own baggage (don't we all) and will take every perceived slight personally if I'm not careful. He can be very open at times and very withdrawn at others, and it often has nothing to do with anything I've said or done, or even how he feels about me. We've both worked on this. I've learned to be more self-assured, and he's learned to be more communicative and openly affectionate.

Would you prefer it if he did not have autism?

He's always had it (despite not having an official diagnosis until this year) and he's the man I fell in love with, so no. I like him very much how he is right now.

Do his weaknesses make him too submissive? Do you have to be more dominant to help him?

No to both. I can only speculate, but I think many people with autism learn to be submissive because they are consistently beaten down by the school system, their peers, etc. for having differing opinions and/or sharing those opinions in an unconventional way. My husband was homeschooled and I thank God for that. It allowed him to be himself throughout his childhood and adolescence. He has no trouble forming strong opinions and seeing his ideas carried out. In that sense, he will often ask me to take the lead on fulfilling his ideas - I do a little better with the "follow-through" portion.

Does it affect your bedroom?

Sex can be overstimulating for him, as much as he enjoys it, so it can be difficult for him to initiate. I have a high sex drive and always have. It's decreased somewhat as I've gotten older, which has helped with balancing things out. When we do have sex, it's spectacular. He is a very passionate, conscientious lover - he's my one-and-only, though, so I don't have anyone to compare him to.

Does it affect your emotion/spiritual/romantic/carnal connection?

I don't think so. Just because he isn't a fan of talking (I always say "talking is a last resort" for him) doesn't mean we don't have a deep connection. It just might look different than what people are used to.

What advice would you give to a woman (or autistic man) who is considering a relationship with a Captain with autism?

Consider reading some of Temple Grandin's books to see autism from a more positive perspective ("different, not less"). Having a disability does not give anyone license to be an asshole to you. You should still look for someone who can love and support you, and that you can love and support in return. Abuse is not the result of someone's disability, it's the result of them being a shitty person. With that said, be willing to look at things as objectively as possible and be slow to label anything as abuse or even being uncaring. It is possible to have a lovely, rewarding relationship with an autistic person, but like with any relationship, it takes work.

morbidityofanother · 2023-11-17T00:04:24+00:00

How do you find it supporting your man through his autism?

You have to have a lot of patience, you have to be able to compromise, and do not expect them to be something they aren't. These types of people do not like change they aren't super spontaneous. So... don't expect to get together with them and expect to go on impromptu adventures or expect them to make a change overnight.

Does he have meltdowns and if so what do you do?

He used to, but not anymore. Honestly, I just didn't tolerate it. I told him that he either needed to learn how to communicate calmly, or this relationship wasn't going to work, and it stopped. It took him time to learn healthy coping skills so that he wasn't just shoving all the emotions down, but he got there eventually. I'd say that overall, to get to a healthy point for both of us, it took him about three years. At this point, he's even calmer than I am.

Does he have shutdowns and if so what do you do?

Not really. I know he did when he was younger, but not since I've known him.

Is he an effective leader and good provider?

Very good provider. The man is work horse. A full time job, a second part time job, and full time school, plus weight training and Jiu Jitsu training. He's tripled his income in the last five years. He's also a great leader. I think autism enables people to look at things much more objectively than others, and that's a strength when you're making hard choices. However, he doesn't like having to make small choices like dates, so I'll do something like make him a list of 100 date ideas to choose from, so that I'm still surprised with what he chooses and he still has choices that he doesn't have to come up with. It's all about compromise.

What are the struggles his autism causes in your relationship?

I find it hard to deal with his social ineptitude at times, but when it's just us, he's a lot better because he knows me so well (been together for like ten years). Around others, he doesn't pick up on social cues pretty much at all, but he's good enough that he can make friends and do well in job interviews, which is pretty much all he needs. Do I wish I felt like I could take him to upscale social events? Yes. Is that gonna happen? Probably not, and I've come to to terms with that because the pros outweigh the cons.

Would you prefer it if he did not have autism?

No. I married him because I like who he is, not because I want this huge part of him to change. Does it cause issues sometimes? Yes. But that's true of any person I could be with, autistic or not. I would just be trading one set of problems for another.

Do his weaknesses make him too submissive? Do you have to be more dominant to help him?

Most of the time, no. There are points where I need to help with basic things like writing emails so that they sound good, or I have to help him make basic choices because he gets choice paralysis. But when it comes down to it, he's got most stuff covered. He's a very independent, intelligent, capable guy.

Does it affect your bedroom?

Nope.

Does it affect your emotion/spiritual/romantic/carnal connection?

A bit. It's not that he's closed off, he just doesn't process things the way I do, and so he can come off as very shallow, cold, and unaffectionate. Like, sometimes I'll have an incredible emotional reaction to a piece of artwork and he looks at me like I've just shat in public. He doesn't get it. I'm still in the process of accepting this, because I'm an artist and he isn't really capable of sharing a large part of my world with me. However, he will let me talk about everything I'm doing and nod along, pretending to understand what I'm talking about, just happy to see me happy. It's all about compromise.

AutoModerator · 2023-11-16T20:08:17+00:00

Title: Having a Relationship with a Captain who has Autism?

Author TheRedPilledLurker

Full text: Are there any women here who have Captains with autism? (or autistic Captains who are married to Red Pill Women?)

How do you find it supporting your man through his autism?

Does he have meltdowns and if so what do you do?

Does he have shutdowns and if so what do you do?

Is he an effective leader and good provider?

What are the struggles his autism causes in your relationship?

Would you prefer it if he did not have autism?

Do his weaknesses make him too submissive? Do you have to be more dominant to help him?

Does it affect your bedroom?

Does it affect your emotion/spiritual/romantic/carnal connection?

What advice would you give to a woman (or autistic man) who is considering a relationship with a Captain with autism?

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AutoModerator · 2023-11-16T20:08:17+00:00

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AppropriateEbb5556 · 2023-11-17T12:12:45+00:00

Captain of what? I am left confused

Title	Having a Relationship with a Captain who has Autism?
Author	TheRedPilledLurker
Upvotes	8
Comments	21
Date	November 16, 2023 8:08 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/17ww4g9/having_a_relationship_with_a_captain_who_has/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/having-a-relationship-with-a-captain-who-has.1238627 https://theredarchive.com/post/1238627

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