Low self esteem

Shining_thru · 2024-05-10T15:20:23+00:00

Yikes. Huge red flags.

Body shaming. Check. Gaslighting. Check. Controlling. Check.

You're 95lbs, even on a petite body that is tiny, and he wants you to lose belly fat? Disregards your feelings because he's 'insecure' about YOUR breast size?

He's treating you like an inanimate doll. Don't put up with it.

RedPillDad · 2024-05-10T17:02:35+00:00

There's a lot of pressure on a woman to be physically beautiful. Men tend to overvalue beauty and the beauty industry tends to exploit the insecurity women feel in competing with the extreme global beauty standards of modern society.

The last thing you need is a man undermining your self-worth by being critical of how you look. Your boyfriend is either an idiot doing this unintentionally, or he's cruel and doing it on purpose.

ColeIsBae · 2024-05-10T17:10:30+00:00

He sounds like a guy who is never going to be satisfied no matter what his partner looks like. That's a *him* problem, not a you problem. The only thing that's a *you* problem here is that you're willing to stay with someone like that. Sorry to be harsh, but I would leave this type of relationship, personally, and spend some time working on myself to discover why I was willing to date someone who didn't see me as a prize. As someone who has gone through those steps, and is now with a guy who puts me on a pedestal, I highly recommend it. You got this :)

Seriously, he is NEVER going to be happy with someone, even if they were a Victoria Secret angel, because he is not happy with himself deep down. Happy, secure men don't nitpick female appearances to that degree. Maybe a little here and there, but not to that degree.

(FWIW my bf did ask me to lose a little weight lol. So I'm not saying any body comments are off limits. But he was SO GENTLE about it, and only brought it up ONE time. Otherwise he treats me like a complete queen. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, sounds different from that. Sounds like a nitpicker who can't be satisfied and doesn't care about your feelings. Huge red flag.)

db12020 · 2024-05-10T18:47:24+00:00

Today it's your body type and weight, tomorrow it will be something new ,and this goes on. You have stated your feelings and how his comments are negatively affecting you and he lashes back? I wouldn't risk my future with someone as immature and childish as him if it were me. He needs to grow up and get real.

inhaledpie4 · 2024-05-10T19:48:44+00:00

This guy sounds like he's settling for you and also sounds like the type of guy who would leave you if you had a child with him because of the body changes. He's either negging you because he doesn't feel like he deserves you, or he really doesn't like your body - either one is not conducive for a healthy long-term relationship. It would personally be a dealbreaker for me if my husband mentioned cosmetic surgeries while we were dating. I need to be with a man who only has eyes for me, which means accepting AND loving the way that I look. I would feel totally insecure with a guy who pointed out the ways I didn't look ideal to him. In fact I, like many other women, need a guy who does the opposite - for example my husband, who reassured me that I look beautiful with my postpartum stretchmarks and my tummy. I think you'll find that if you found yourself a guy who loves your body, your self-esteem will be much higher.

jiji_sin · 2024-05-10T18:48:34+00:00

Im not trying to brag, I’m just trying to show you that I, an objective 7/10, gets told by my boyfriend that I’m LITTERLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN HE HAS EVER SEEN.

I know that isn’t what a guy NEEDS to say, but just know that there are guys, who fall so madly in love that they actually believe that, and those are the type of men you should go for.

Also, I have super small breasts as well haha, and my bf loves. So don’t do surgery on your breasts, there are men who love small breasts and will appreciate yours!

What I would advice you to do is to straight up tell him that he either has to stop make degrading comments about your breasts and weight, or you are going to take a break. Remember you only have to tell him once, and then let him feel the consequences of your absence. If he loves you enough he will reach out to you. Good luck!

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-05-11T09:16:36+00:00

So I’m gonna take a stab here and suggest that this guy probably didn’t have any sisters. I have several, and I learned to code switch to get whatever point I was making across in a way that didn’t end in tears, metaphorically speaking; my sisters were not particularly fragile.

he stated I was being insensitive

You aren’t.

because he was trying to express his concerns and insecurities about potentially marrying someone who is not his body type.

You don’t buy a Sony if you want an LG.¹ If a body part is a red line for him, I would be very careful about marrying the guy. That’s the kind of thing you go into thinking that you’re just going to have to accept certain things about the other person.

Asked if I would be willing to get surgery in the future if that’s what he wanted.

Red Flag. Body modification is a serious thing. And what if you wreck your perfectly fine as they are boobs for a guy who bails on you later?

As a guy who does not care in the slightest about boob size, I do have an opinion here. And if anything I spend more time assuring my girls that their boobs, butts, earlobes, pinky toes, and eyebrows are not “weird” in some imagined way.

If he is aaying the things in the way that you say he is saying them, as opposed to the way they are making you feel, then he doesn’t really know how to package things. There can be a way to say the right thing in the wrong way.

The only thing I’m sort of with him on is hitting the gym, but hear me out. The problem with being 95 pounds is, a donut on you was gonna show up right away whereas it won’t on a larger person. It should be relatively easy for you to tone up and you will be doing yourself a huge favor. First, it feels good to be healthy. Second, if you go back on the dating market, which, given what you’ve told us about this guy, is probably a good idea, being slim and trim will be a big advantage. Actually these days not being hugely fat is a big advantage, no matter who you are. Third, and I do not know if this is the case for you or not, but if I was gaining weight, I would rather that a partner told me when it was only 5 lbs and not after I had gained 20 lbs. Again, there’s a way to package that that makes it more palatable.

¹ Updated Risky Business reference. Shout out to my 80s peeps.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-05-10T17:38:28+00:00

He has low physical desire for you currently. He's either with you because a) you have rare positive straights he considers even harder to find and he thinks appearance is "manageable" via cosmetic procedures or b) he doesn't have the SMV or drive to get what he really wants. The first option is flattering in a way, but he's overestimating how malleable appearance is. Surgeries are risky, have failure rates, and come with side effects. It's impossible for you to promise that you'd be willing to do xyz medical procedure in the future. How can you know if you would or wouldn't get implant sickness? So the real question is: would he ONLY be happy to be in a long term relationship with you if various changes are guaranteed?
He doesn't understand how body composition works. The first time I got a flat stomach, I was "overweight" per my BMI because you get a flat stomach by putting on muscle, which is denser than fat. He appears to be voicing a body composition desire which is very common (even healthy - you get a flat stomach by building your core, which is often neglected in the modern world) in a way that would be extremely unhealthy if you took his "lose weight" advice literally. I assume he himself is not in the gym? Guys who lift tend to understand this stuff, but men and women alike who aren't into the gym usually think you get a flat stomach by losing weight, so it's a common misunderstanding.

There are multiple facets to vetting. You do not want to hitch yourself to a man you desire when he does not desire you. Whether the issues here are 1) manageable and 2) WORTH managing is difficult to say, but I recommend you at the very least make it clear you can't guarantee any procedures and he needs to make decisions knowing that's not a guarantee. You want to be the "type" of the man you are with. Sometimes that may involve changes, but most of it is about finding a good fit who is attracted to your genetics and current lifestyle.

kfkdk83whitit · 2024-05-10T17:10:01+00:00

Ew. Why would you want to be with someone who says that about you? You’re right, he DOESNT value you. He makes so many negative comments about your appearance. Leave him. Can you imagine what he will be like if you decide to have children? Our bodies obviously change as we age. He’s immature. My boyfriend has NEVER done that. And he shouldn’t.

CozyPetals · 2024-05-12T05:13:34+00:00

An ex of mine during my University days would do this intentionally because he knew it would get a reaction from me. If a girl walked past us in tighter workout clothes, for example, he would turn to me and make some sort of comment. (Absolutely no fault of the girl by the way.) Was a total red-flag and I wish 18-year-old-me had more self-esteem and common sense.

Something funny is that all men who had something to say about how I dressed or looked would never once disclose how this full-body makeover was going to be funded. Sir, you want me to pay out of my own pocket to “fix” something I never saw a problem with to begin with? Lol.

AutoModerator · 2024-05-10T14:37:32+00:00

Title: Low self esteem

Author Flyhigh488

Full text: Hi guys,

Has anyone else had experiences where their boyfriend has made comments about their appearance? Mine has told me multiple times that he prefers women with larger breast and that I don’t have that. When I expressed I was upset about this, he stated I was being insensitive because he was trying to express his concerns and insecurities about potentially marrying someone who is not his body type. Asked if I would be willing to get surgery in the future if that’s what he wanted.

Another thing he has done is mention that my belly is getting big and to hit the gym (he tried saying it kindly first). However I am 95 pounds and petite. It just hurts my feelings and takes a blow to my self esteem. But he makes me feel like I am being too sensitive and just need to listen to him.

Am I being unreasonable here? I don’t feel like this is a man who values me :( Or maybe he just needs to find someone who is already his body type.

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2024-05-10T14:37:32+00:00

Thank you for posting to RPW. Here are a couple reminders:

If you are seeking relationship advice. Make sure you are answering the guidelines for asking for advice on the rules page
Do not delete your post once you have your answers. Others may have the same question!
You must participate in your own post. If you put up a post and disappear, it will be removed.
We are not here for non-participants to study us. If you are writing a paper or just curious, read our sidebar and wiki and old posts.
Men are not allowed to ask questions and generally discouraged from participating unless they are older, partnered and have Red Pill experience.
Within the last year, RedPillWomen has had over half a dozen 'Banned from 'x' subreddit' post for commenting/subscribing to RPW. Moving forwards, the mods will remove these types of posts: 1, 2, 3, 4. We recommend you make a RPW specific account.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

thekidsarentalright_ · 2024-05-10T17:56:17+00:00

Please leave him or you’ll never be happy

NonrepresentativePea · 2024-05-13T12:26:48+00:00

Look, I’m not a red pill person (I actually have no idea what this means, I was here to find info on a book), but I can tell you that that guy sounds gross. Like gross, gross. Any man that scores women, especially the one they are engaged to, thinks too little of women and thinks WAY too much of himself.

Marriage is such hard work and takes so much trust it is critical that your partner value you. Otherwise, they won’t put in the work and you’ll never feel secure.

Guys like him are abusive and it will always be your fault no matter what he does to you.

PaganButterChurner · 2024-05-10T16:56:27+00:00

If what you say is 100% true, he is an asshole. But just know if you are getting overweight, that in itself is disrespectful to the relationship. What he said about breast is disrespectful. However if you already have large breast and he was saying that, it could be a joke. Its not a matter of what he said, its the emotions behind it. was he being playful, or was he putting you down?

If its the latter, you need to tell him that is not right.

Nervous_Primary_3543 · 2024-05-11T01:31:45+00:00

He could’ve def delivered his concerns in a better way but then again when some people are emotionally checked out they don’t seem to care anymore

However, If deep down you know his concerns are valid, gotta ask yourself if you prefer a guy who clearly lies to you in order to make you feel good or a man that tells the uncomfortable truth

Sheetmusicman94 · 2024-05-11T12:48:43+00:00

He is honest. It may not be pleasant but as someone who is also a lot more attracted to women who have bigger ones, this would be my concern too. There is not much he can do, same as you find the things that you find attractive .. attractive.

SuperiorLake_ · 2024-05-11T01:46:08+00:00

This man sounds abusive. The things he has said to you are manipulative and cruel.

Title	Low self esteem
Author	Flyhigh488
Upvotes	8
Comments	34
Date	May 10, 2024 2:37 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1cor3fa/low_self_esteem/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/low-self-esteem.1518088 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518088

Comments