Relationship question

Littlewifey · 2017-02-21T18:11:22+00:00

Well if you both work, I don't see why you shouldn't pay your half of the dates or pay for whole dates. Not every date of course but it seems normal if you both share the financial weight of dating if you're both independent financially. That doesn't strike me as not leading.

Just my two cents :)

MsSadieDunham · 2017-02-21T21:15:05+00:00

I do not think that you two splitting things is a sign of future unwillingness to lead. You guys aren't exclusive so maybe that's why he isn't paying for the dates. Could you imagine how expensive things would be for him if he was casually dating and paid for every single date?!

loneliness-inc · 2017-02-21T18:33:46+00:00

Society has changed a lot for good and for bad. Paying for dates is one of those things that changed to a degree. Here are a few points to ponder.

Splitting payments for dates does not reflect his lack of leadership, it does reflect him not tolerating being a free meal ticket.
Splitting payments for dates does not mean you'll be splitting things this way once you actually enter a real relationship.
If you want him to step up and offer more masculine value, you need to first step up and offer him more feminine value. If you aren't ready to do so, wait until you are.
The fact that he won't pay for everything - in today's dating climate - means he isn't a pushover.
You don't want to come across as a gold digger, but that's exactly how you come across in this post.

ElfFey · 2017-02-22T04:11:13+00:00

No offense, but you really screwed this up. This whole thing is backwards. How do you justify saying "i am a traditional woman and believe the man should pay during the courtship phase" at the same time admitting that this whole time you were deciding if you want to date him, you've been splitting the check?

That WAS the courtship phase. Now that you want to seriously date him, you would be a couple, so your resources would be more "split" because the two of you are a unit. It's so unfair to expect him to start paying more now.

To answer the question, the way you start getting him to pay is you stop going out with him unless he offers to pay.

Source: I know i will probably get downvoted for saying this, but i have literally never paid my own way on a date. Once we are in a relationship I'm far more generous with my money, time, affection, etc, but the time before that is his time to woo me. We take turns or i treat him AFTER he's my boyfriend. I really think you have this backwards.

radioactivities9 · 2017-02-21T20:27:03+00:00

I never have split dates, except with one 'friends first' bf (hate that way, it ends up unfulfilling for me). What I DO DO is make sure the dates are modest price and at a place where it shows I want to bond with him, and I give him my best charm and appreciation!

TinyFraulein · 2017-02-21T23:26:37+00:00

I actually understand what you mean, you want to be taken care of. To you him paying is a sign that he wants to take care of you as a man, you're not being horrible at all.

You're very traditional and that's okay.

How about you take care of him in a different way that he takes care of you? If he pays for you, make him things, cook him things or do things like a shoulder rub or something. Something uniquely feminine and yours. The problem is you did start this as a friends thing, which makes it difficult because you set different standards. You need to explain to him further down this dating phase that you have different expectations for when you're in a relationship.

onacasserole · 2017-02-22T04:27:14+00:00

I think the best way to rectify this situation is for you to plan a date and pay for both of you. When he offers his 50% of the bill, you can just tell him, "don't worry about it, i planned this date, but you can get the next one!" If he's insistent that this arrangement is not something he's ok with...then I think you know he's a guy who wants to account for everything 50/50. If he kind of smiles and says ok, and then later asks you out and covers that date for the two of you...then you get what you want! Either way I think you'll know.

xelaandra23 · 2017-02-22T06:57:57+00:00

Hm. You could just stop helping plan dates and force him to take initiative. Take a step back, become a little more aloof.

VigilantRedRooster · 2017-02-21T17:38:42+00:00

Check the articles in the sidebar under Finding, getting, keeping your Captain, and the "captain won't lead" article as well. ---->

There's a way to "extend an invitation" to lead without disrupting the power balance in the relationship.

thisisnotforyou_ · 2017-02-22T10:21:13+00:00

First of all, do you both work/have incomes? Most men these days will pay sometimes, but if the woman works too, she is more often than not expected to contribute. Me and my boyfriend both work, and we usually split casual dates around about 50/50, and as for big dates, it depends who planned it ;) I think he probably pays slightly more often than me, but his income is a fair bit more than mine. We also live together and split rent bills and groceries 50/50 and as we both work full time we also both contribute fairly equally to household chores (here I probably do a bit more).

As for how to get him to lead - perhaps instead of trying to get him to pay, try to get him to solely organise some of your dates together? For example if he asks what you want to do, just defer to him and say 'surprise me!' or 'I'll trust you to come up with something fun for this one!'. He might also be more inclined to pay for both of you if he plans the whole thing. If he does - make sure you reciprocate (to positively encourage him to do it more often). This doesn't mean financially, but make sure you say thank you at the end of the date, be super good to him in the bedroom (if things have gone that far), bake him cookies and give to him with a cute thank you note, or anything along those lines!

Title	Relationship question
Author	anonnanana
Upvotes	5
Comments	23
Date	February 21, 2017 5:02 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5vcmgx/relationship_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/relationship-question.86998 https://theredarchive.com/post/86998

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