Single & pregnant

girlwithabike · 2017-10-19T12:39:51+00:00

I believe BM is Baby Mama. The brother also seems to have gotten a girl pregnant with an oopsie baby.

OP you may also want to reconsider your role models. I doubt any of us here aspire to a marriage with "serious issues" that produces two sons who go into their own relationships with their own serious issues. Please don't think that a perfect house and a seemingly traditional family life is all there is to RPW or to a happy life. It takes work.

RubyWooToo · 2017-10-19T15:14:49+00:00

If you're going to live together and raise your child, than you need to be in an actual relationship and both be willing to put 150% into salvaging it.

If not, then you need to separate... otherwise, you're setting your kids up to be raised in a tense and possibly toxic situation, and have the same hangups as your BD and his brother. Your boyfriend is not a monk, so be prepared to turn into a stereotypical "crazy baby mama" once he starts dating or sleeping around (either behind your back or in your face). No halfway decent man is going to date you while you live with you live with another man.

SouthernAthena · 2017-10-19T12:15:14+00:00

Holy wow, what a mess. I'm glad you posted. Welcome to RPW.

First off, what do BD and BM stand for? Baby Daddy and...? I am confused about the details of the situation since I don't know these abbreviations.

We will be living together as coparents but I have told him strictly no sex.

Alright, before I give you advice, let's be clear--you're not broken up. If you are still living together and "co-parenting," but you're not having sex, you're just in a dysfunctional, unpleasant relationship. In light of that, I will be giving you advice as if you were in a bad relationship, not as if you were single. This may be a situation where an insane liberal idea (co-parenting) could be your saving grace.

Please, for the sake of your child, do everything in your power to build a better relationship. A life is at stake. For the record, if you weren't pregnant my advice may be different.

From what I can tell from what you've said, you're both the problem in this situation. However, you can only change your behavior and hope that your man will be inspired to step up to the plate for you and his child.

I highly encourage you to read the sidebar and articles like this. Please! The sidebar is full of RPW gold both in terms of stories of RP successes and details on how to be a better woman and partner, much better than I could ever sum up in one reply.

I will admit to nagging him about opening up to me which apparently is a huge no-no.

You're right, it is a huge no-no. Would you feel inclined to be vulnerable and share your dearest hopes and fears simply because someone whined and pressured you to do so? You have to make him feel safe and kill him with kindness, otherwise he will shut down forever.

It's going to be hard, but almost any relationship is salvageable if both parties really want it. In this situation, you've got a child to consider, so it's time to bring your A-game. Just know though that a transformation on this level is going to take time. As in, these issues aren't all going to be fixed before your baby is born. If you implement these things, your man is going to be very confused about your change in behavior for awhile. Be patient. Be persistent. Don't expect the be rewarded right away, but do know that if you stick with it, these changes you implement can lead you to a wonderful life with your family.

Whisper · 2017-10-20T09:09:23+00:00

It's impossible to know from a few sentences whether your relationship is salvageable.

However, here's what happens if it isn't.

Willow-girl · 2017-10-20T12:34:51+00:00

Just a couple of observations:

Reason #2) I can't fathom how I am supposed to be happy in a relationship where he does not communicate with me. I will admit to nagging him about opening up to me which apparently is a huge no-no. So, what is my option here? I have been a miserable wreck the past 3 years trying to understand this man and help him.

This sounds like codependency to me. Google the term and see if what you read sounds familiar. Men aren't (or shouldn't be) "projects" and most will resent being treated as such. Instead, you look at what he brings to the table and decide whether the compromise is acceptable.

Since breaking up, I have retracted from him entirely even though it hurts and I still love him. I was the one who initiated the breakup. We will be living together as coparents but I have told him strictly no sex.

It has been my observation (however politically incorrect) that men seldom retain much interest in their children once they're no longer sleeping with the child's mother. They find a new woman and turn their interest to provisioning her and any children they may have with her. So do not expect this live-in co-parenting situation to last for very long. As things stand at present, it's probably best if you just plan to be a single mother -- don't count on him for support, practical or financial. If he steps up, that's great of course, but don't count on it.

Kate_A_D · 2017-10-19T13:56:08+00:00

I think you've already put the finger on the two huge problems here! He does not communicate at all, and he's depressed. All you can do about the communication issue is try to talk to him about that, but it seems you've already been doing that as you mentioned ''nagging him''. Have you tried a much more gentle approach than nagging? A person is not likely willing to open up when they are being stressed or cowered by anger. All you can do is gently try to coax him, but then again you can't really force him to change the way he is. People only change when the desire to change comes from within themselves. It seems you have already admitted to having issues that needed fixing, and working on them, which is totally the healthy and best approach. There's only so much you can do to better the relation however, you are only half that couple.

At this point, considering his issues, gently coaxing him yourself might help a bit but it won't be enough. The only thing that could still possibly salvage the relation is therapy. He really sounds like he needs professional help, and if he's been struggling with depression for so many years he might need meds or more regular counseling. If the therapist can get him to understand that communication is absolutely vital to a healthy stable relationship, and help him cope with his depression (via meds or further counseling) than perhaps he could be swayed to change. Other than that, you're pretty much going to hit a wall with him. Men that are resistant to going to therapy are sometimes a bit more inclined to try out couple's therapy so you could suggest that.

That you no longer want to have sex with him is perfectly natural and understandable. You are physically living together but there's an emotional wedge that has been created that needs mending and that seems pretty bloody deep. Though honestly, the part where you say he totally ignores you and is not invested at all in your pregnancy has me further worried that even therapy might not salvage this. If he ultimately keeps on refusing any attempts at improvement, and ends up not being a very present or helpful parent to your child, then the relation won't be worth the emotional tax you will be paying by staying in it. You have every right to be respected, and your child will only benefit from growing up with a mother who is not being disrespected or abused.

Kiddingyoself · 2017-10-19T15:31:10+00:00

Naturally I want to have a family.

Assuming by this you mean a husband who loves & respects you, and children with that man, you can't afford to waste any time with anyone you doubt is a candidate for that.

You're pregnant with someone else's child, so I'm not pretending that this is a simple matter. You're connected to this disrespectful person who you claim makes you feel like shit about yourself for at least 18 years, but realistically for the rest of your child's life.

At a minimum, you've got to at least do things very differently. If you want a healthy family, you have to change directions as soon as possible. You're very likely going to live a long time.. this may seem very difficult, but there's no sense in giving up.

Take care!

SewingHappy · 2017-10-20T21:31:14+00:00

Welcome! I'm new here too, but I just want to say the people here are awesome and super supportive/willing to give advice. Hopefully, you can get some good takeaway from this sub (I have so far).

Anyway, a few things stick out to me:

He says he has been unhappy with us for the past 2 years.

As much as both of us tried to do better and be better - it was never enough for either of them and they remained distant and closed off.

I have been a miserable wreck the past 3 years trying to understand this man and help him.

Personally, I completely overcame my anger issues thanks in large part to our relationship. He, however, has the exact same issues as in the beginning and shows no interest in getting better even though he admits to being miserable (so miserable that he nearly attempted suicide a year ago).

I was the one who initiated the breakup. We will be living together as coparents but I have told him strictly no sex. I am tired of being disrespected & cast aside as an afterthought until he wants sex. He ignores me constantly for video games and makes me feel like shit about myself. He has no interest in my pregnancy.

These are serious issues (I'm sure you already realize that).

Have you thought about adoption? In my own family I have seen so many people have kids they weren't ready for and end up being absent parents (both physically and mentally) and that is just such a sad situation for everyone involved. You are young and have been miserable in this relationship for 3 of 4yrs, you are working on personal growth, but your partner is emotionally stunted, he isn't interested in your pregnancy and ignores you for video games, you have already broken up with him, which says to me that your done with this relationship and are just trying to find a way to make things work for a new baby.

Babies are so much work (trust me, I have 2) and they cause a huge amount of strain on even the most supportive relationships. Of course it's your choice, but I'm worried that if you keep the baby and try to continue on in this relationship one or both of you will break down and neither one of you will have the support you need to nurture the little life that you are going to be responsible for.

Do you have any skills that can help you support a child on your own if your partner were to walk out (b/c he may not be reliable when the time comes)? Does your partner have any skills? Is he doing what he can at work to prepare for a new baby? Do you have any other support? If the answer to these questions is no, I would recommend adoption. There are so many families out there that would be able to give this baby a good home.

Ok, that was my 2 cents.

As far as what you can do now, in this relationship:

If you are determined to stay with this man and raise the baby with him you need to get it out of your mind that you will be single but still cohabitate. Someone else already mentioned that would just be a toxic situation and I agree. Either determine to raise the child together, as a couple, or plan on being a single parent.

I would suggest you both look into counseling for yourselves, but you can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I would talk to him about it, maybe provide him with some resources (numbers/addresses/doctor names) and leave it in clear veiw; basically, make it as easy for him to take positive steps forward in life as you possibly can, but once again he has to be willing to make the call, set up an appointment, and make the meeting. Kill him with kindness, no matter how hard it is. You may find that he starts to feel more love towards you and will naturally step up, but I don't know if that will necessarily be the case. Work on doing what you need to do to be the best mom you can possibly be, with or without him.

I don't personally know a lot of single moms, but I do know one who raised her son alone until his teen years, when she remarried. This woman is a professional, dedicated to her kids (she has two with her husband now), and is a hard worker. Her son turned out wonderfully and is working towards a college degree right now. I know the statistics are not in favor of single moms and their kids, but it can work if you are willing to put in the work necessary and if you can find some support.

I don't know if any of this was helpful, but I hope you're able to find a solution. I realize this is a tough position to be in.

teaandtalk · 2017-10-19T23:20:02+00:00

I don't think the situation is salvageable. I understand that you're past the point of an abortion, so I'd strongly suggest you consider giving the baby up for adoption - healthy babies are in reasonably high demand in most places.

Otherwise:

Best case scenario: somehow, your ex gets a bit better at being a person and pays attention to the baby, but it's still being raised by two unmarried, uncommitted parents who are barely out of their teens, not yet financially stable, and it sounds like have little family support (BD's mother maybe?). If I'm wrong, let me know.

Worst case scenario: you're single, your BD kills himself (yes, I looked at your post history), you struggle with narcissistic parents/probably a bit of narcissism yourself, as well as mental illness.

To me, that doesn't sound like a fair start to give to a child. Part of being a good parent is knowing when you can't give them a good home, and to me it sounds like you might not be ready for that yet.

Rivkariver · 2017-10-19T13:30:10+00:00

Is therapy and option for him or both of you? What about even counseling at a church? That's free, and most priests and pastors will still do it whether you go to church or not. The older ones often have years of experience with counseling couples. Please consider it for the sake of your child.

You're frustrated because you're trying to fix him when you don't have that power. A disinterested, professional 3rd party can help a lot more.

lilaclemons · 2017-10-19T17:58:50+00:00

You need to read the surrendered wife book too

gELSK · 2017-10-30T22:02:08+00:00

// , Be careful not to get turned into a chump, or to throw good money after bad.

If he cheats on you, take note. That is not a good position in which to be.

Pugggie · 2017-10-19T12:47:58+00:00

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. He has a mental illness and despite your effort, only he can overcome his depression through his own incentive. One thing I suggest rethinking: Do you really want to have a baby with him? I don’t know which trimester you’re on or what your religious view are but it’s something you should think deeply about. If you have to ask whether the relationship is salvageable, then I believe you’ve already know the answer. Having a baby with another person, especially when the future of the relationship seems bleak, often time does not produce a good outcome for both you nor your baby. Do you prefer your baby to grow up in a loving household with stable parents or coparents with someone who might not be able to adequately provide for you and your baby? You’re very young and you will be provided with numerous opportunities to have a family so why rush it.

Title	Single & pregnant
Author	sleep_duck
Upvotes	11
Comments	49
Date	October 19, 2017 10:12 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/77dhbh/single_pregnant/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/single-pregnant.73624 https://theredarchive.com/post/73624

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