I have always wondered why my father always seemed to just be angry at everything. He would set limits on basically the amount of fun we could have. I heard somewhere that about half of homes have one parent who just flat out did not want to have children and at some level gave in to the significant other.. most likely the case being the woman withholding intimacy from the man at some level. Or perhaps one or both of the parents and not really knowing what they were in for.

On the xxchromosome sub there was a thread that stood out to me that more or less entailed being “conned” into having a child by the older women in her family/social circle.. leaving out the confusing and crippling postpartum depression, the physical toll and scarring/ oatmeal belly, etc.

I always felt my blue pill father was petty, lost frame easily, and never explained any of his pointless limits to my life. Ridiculously early bedtimes & curfews late into highschool, even in the summer, a lack of financial investment in my brother and I in every aspect including sports and sports camps, etc. I will try to not make this too long but still get a few examples of my point across.

I feel like I am growing and evolving on a day to day basis, and I feel like his lack of interest in the world around him has caused him not to grow for decades now. No cell phone, no interest in computers, no thirst for knowledge...he’s had the same TV/Comcast setup for years and can still barely operate basic functions on the remote, let alone be able to turn the stereo on.

I feel like if I were to bring a couple children into this world, that I would do everything that I can to stay in the loop at some level & be able to pass down skills & hobbies & interests.. I feel like more or less he didn’t want to bother, and just comes home to drink beer. My mother & him have just been putting all their spare money into their retirement & the mortgage even during our childhood & adolescent years, & that seems very selfish to me because I feel like I would have done things quite differently.

I achieved strength and speed prowess in my high school that surpassed the time in training I had invested into myself. I had physical tools that 95% of my peers did not have. And it had always been this way. Enough to where it was me and the black kid through school who stood out. I came home from school one day and had tied the fastest kid in our school in a 100 yard dash. I had only wrestled up to that point and was considering track in the spring. He snickered at me and made some comment about how his 46-year-old ass could still beat me in a race. I told him to put his shoes on and meet me outside in 15 minutes and beat him by almost 15 feet, which is quite a bit for such a short sprint. And it would have been more if I hadn’t playfully pulled my shorts down to bare-ass him in the final 30 yards.

Is this all just simply a father who did not want to have kids combined with a weak individual’s reaction to aging and being “outsourced”? Perhaps his upbringing being a white minority in a rough Mexican neighborhood in California and being jealous of my comparably easy childhood in a white neighborhood? Maybe being angry he spent so much of his after school hours working for meager wage for his dad in a service station? Is this simply his own issues he never took care of that are eating him up? Is he regretting huge life choices he feels he shouldn’t be regretting?