11:00 PM. New Years Eve. Friend's house. The place is packed with 25 people or so with about an even number of girls to guys, almost all of whom I don't know. I've talked to quite a few up until this point so I'm all warmed up. I spot a girl on the couch I have yet to introduce myself to and immediately fix the issue. We hit it off really well. She's actually pretty fun to talk to, not to mention more intelligent than most of the girls in the house. Very touchy. It's 15 minutes into the conversation when she first mentions the boyfriend. I've chased girls with boyfriends in the past and I'm not about to repeat that experience. I finish up the conversation and split. Not 20 minutes later she's back next to me... she wants it, "if not me, someone else will," I suppose.

Her boyfriend's name is Dan. I mention this because, I shit you not, throughout the night she must have mentioned him no less than 19 times. So much that I honestly don't even remember HER name.

12:00 AM. The clock sounds, we cheer, and I kiss the girl to my right only to be subsequently met with the lips of Dan's girlfriend to my left. We have our fun and head back inside to get away from the 40 degree weather. She's sitting on my lap now. Some time passes and I instinctively begin to progress past the 8th grade levels of stimulation we're providing one another. She pulls away and says it.

"I told you I have a boyfriend!"

I just stare at this woman, not quite dumbfounded, but the situation still needs a second to process. "Okay," I say, as I lift her off my lap. Her eyes widen.

"What the hell? You're pushing me off? You were being so nice before!"

"I don't play those games."

For the next 10 minutes she is sitting next to me, in between repeating statements about how incredibly loyal she is to her boyfriend (I believe she believes it) telling me how big of an asshole I am, that she thought I was cool but reality I'm just another guy who wants sex. Agree and amplify. "I apologize. Usually before I start conversations with people I announce how colossal of an asshole I am." Guy I met that night passes by. "Hey Mark! When I introduced myself to you, I told you how big of an asshole I was, right?" She comes to accept that attacks on my character won't work. The obvious next step is my appearance.

"You're actually really ugly. I have some alcohol in me so you know I'm being honest."

"I know, I get it all the time."

"Ugly fucking Arab."

"Silence infidel. Allahu Akbar."

Keep in mind throughout this conversation she's rubbing my leg and actually cleaning dirt off my boot with her fingernails. She tuckers herself out and we transition back into sexual conversation. I get up to speak to another friend and later overhear her talking to someone about how attractive I am.

1:00 AM. Things progress, we're alone in a room together, and I pull one of these in the mirror next to us.

Morals of the story:

  1. Hold frame. You're ugly if you think you're ugly.

  2. Learn to end premature emotional investment and how to actually enjoy the menial conflict.

  3. Pulling a Bateman in bed is an amazing feeling, try it but don't get carried away.

Hope you guys had a good New Year's Eve.